(because he is eating anyway. gentle, soothing comfort, as one sees. he arrives, dropping the bag with two burgers on the closest surface, and settling on wherever he can sit, tapping a spot near him.)
[The door's unlocked, so it was definitely no trouble for Mikey to come in and spot Scott still sort of sulking on the couch. He looks haggard, like he hasn't slept or eaten in a bit, and the teen doesn't even try to muster up a smile towards his friend when he drops the bag onto the coffee table in front of them.
He stares up at Mikey from behind his shades, still silent and almost lost, before he actually does as told, getting up to sit next to the biker.]
...I... I didn't get to ask how you're doing.
[Scott remembers Yu comforting him right after the incident, but he didn't have it in him to ask how he was doing or if anything happened with him. There's some guilt that tugs in his chest for not asking, but that emotion, like others, fade to the back of his mind.]
(the depressed, unmoving one. is manjiro the best person to aid scott through this? perhaps so, most likely not. the way he sees these incidents comes from a lifetime of them, guilt, blame, poorly dealing. too much experience, perhaps he's immune to how it affects others by now.)
I'm... Normal, I guess. This shit's Tuesday, minus, you know, infections and stuff.
[He stays silent when Mikey points out his rough appearance. Yeah, he has nothing there, no denial or anything because Scott knows that he probably looks awful. He's just never felt this way before, this lost. Losing Kotone in such a violent manner, then paying that retribution towards Ryoji in a way that was even more brutal... not to mention being someone--something else during that time.
At least talking to Mikey feels mostly familiar. Somewhere in him, he's glad they're still close enough that they can do this. 'Normal' for Mikey though... somehow that's not encouraging.]
Yu and Yosuke... they're okay? [He tries to peer a little harder at his friend, despite himself.] You're handling things?
(it isn't encouraging, because truthfully, it's not something to be proud of. it's not something easy to bring up, a conversation for family dinners and rounds of friends. it's sucked, and it will never not do so.
which is precisely why he knows that drowning on it is not ideal.)
I'm handling it. It's obviously not easy, not straightforward, but we're... Handling it. It actually brought me and Yosuke closer again. You? I ain't gonna be the only one talking.
[It's a little nice that it brought him and Yosuke together. He knows how much Yu cares about both Mikey and Yosuke and Mikey about Yu, but he didn't fully get the connection between them. It seems to be working though?? Doing better...? So, that's nice. Maybe a small thought for Scott to think about, even if the weight of everything else still rears its ugly head.
(he doesn't mean to be abrasive, but he finds that words lack from him to explain it in a gentler way. scott looks defeated, so even with a slapped smile and a cheerier tone, it wouldn't hide the state of his body.
manjiro isn't intelligent, but he damn well can read the tiredness and guilt in every line, as a map of misery on scott's face.)
[Not that he's really hungry still, but he's just trying to delay everything just a little bit more. If push comes to shove, Scott thinks that he can probably avoid talking about his stuff, at least to some extent, but a small part of him doesn't want to shove Mikey completely out. He's been lonely and lost and... having him like this is familiar in a good way.
Funny how he thought that things were complicated back then, when he destroyed a building with his powers. Scott thought he hit his low point then. It feels almost nothing now in comparison.]
(there are many ways he could approach this, he thinks. for manjiro, he isn't sure what could work, but he knows allowing the other to wallow in his own sorrow for too long isn't going to help anybody.
[With Mikey's go ahead, he reaches towards one of the patties to start unwrapping it. Hid mind still feels slightly numb and it doesn't feel like's doing much of anything, but soon enough, he's staring down at the burger with a quietness that really doesn't suit him. Even now, it's hard to take a bite, especially when a stray memory of Ryoji's burnt flesh flashes through his mind.
Why did he ask for meat again??
Scott fiddles with the wrapper and for a moment, it doesn't look like he's going to say anything, but--]
...I lost control.
[It was more than that, really. He's not sure how to describe it. Would Mikey understand? Maybe he would, more than others. He had that 'curse' for so long and Scott didn't really really get it.] ...I wasn't even myself.
(to deal with something like this. he remembers the first time something overcame him and when he came to, all was already done. it was sanzu, with his mouth ripped open from manjiro's own hands, laughing, laughing, laughing... because manjiro told him to do so. next he remembers, he was apologizing, but the scarring on sanzu's face never let up - in fact, for a good chunk of his years, he wore a mask to conceal it, make himself easier on the eye.
... it never happened, in the current reality. another blessing that manjiro didn't have to deal with, to pick up the pieces of a sanzu who idolized him thereafter.
lost in his thoughts, he only snaps after the words arrive.)
... Yeah, I know what that's like. Can't talk for Gnosia, but you know what happened to me, anyway. It's shitty.
[Scott's not sure if it would be easier or not saying that he hurt someone while infected with that gnosia crap. From what he knows, no one who had that virus could control themselves after a while. They hurt friends, strangers, anyone that crossed their path. It sounds like a shitty mindset to be in.
But what happened to him... he wasn't really infected. He was just different. A Scott from a separate reality. Yeah, he was still controlled by the Phoenix, but it doesn't feel as black and white to him as having gnosia in him. Honestly, he feels like what happened to him is more similar to what happened with Mikey.
That thought gives him a little more courage to talk about this further, even as he toys with the wrapper some more.]
It wasn't the Gonsia, Mikey. I... I wasn't one of the infected ones.
[His voice still that quiet, drained thing.]
I... I changed. Think people call it 'glitching.' Like changing into another version of yourself.
(he so far hasn't had any news about a future scott - that he remembers, anyway. whether he can help is still to be seen, but he'll listen gladly, coming nearer so he can show support. it's a difficult concept, timelines, futures, and butterfly effects that turn a perfectly good person into a villain in a saint's skin.
it's... difficult. he was saved by the narrative, but if it were only up to him, he'd have killed the ones he loved most, and he wouldn't have felt a thing about it. that had been the reason why manjiro nursed the curse in importance, so that he didn't have to feel or fear.
[It's such a simple question and one that he was expecting, but it doesn't really make it much easier to respond to. His fingers tighten around his food and possibly squishing some of the ingredients, but he really isn't paying much attention to it. Because as he thinks about that day, like clockwork, those images start replaying in his mind once more. His hand grasped around Ryoji's neck and burning skin and muscle until it was charred black. He didn't really stop, he didn't want to stop, because the only feeling that he had at time was to kill him.
More than that, he wanted to make sure that he didn't come back. Or Phoenix felt that way-- it was mostly her, right? He... he doesn't want Ryoji dead. He was angry and upset at the time but he didn't... he didn't want that. Scott releases a shaky sort of breath, his shoulders minutely trembling as he tries to sort his feelings once more.]
I killed Ryoji.
[That's the truth of it at least. Maybe?? Dazai would probably think so, right??]
(here is that moment in which mikey is not a perfect person. he doesn't remember many people, unless they're a constant in his life, and he cannot feel bad for someone he barely exchanged words, if he even recalls that. it does nothing for him to know that a person has suffered if he doesn't know them, but what he can tell is that it is eating scott up inside.
which is why he removes his jacket from his own shoulders to drape over scott's, hoping the warmth is at least a little comforting as he settles an arm around him.)
[As the jacket slides over his shoulders, Scott brings his free hand up to lightly grip the material, feeling its warmth from when it was on Mikey. It's comforting, so he doesn't even try to question it. He wants it. He knows that he must be a sight, sitting here with an untouched hamburger and a jacket around his slumped shoulders, but every little gesture chips away at the grief that's felt suffocating until now.
It makes it a little easier to continue with his story. It's still hard, of course, especially as he gets into these details, but he wants to let someone know what happened. And it's kind of terrible, but with all the blood on Mikey's hands, he... he knows that he can probably listen to all of this. Scott's eyes close behind his shades, mostly to calm himself as another wave of feelings wash over him.]
...I turned. I mean. You know about those glitches happening, right? I. Became another me, except that me had something else inside him too.
[Just a mixture of events that kept on happening, everything combining to make the worst possible outcome. His entire existence shifting, Kotone dying, Ryoji being infected, and then it was just him brutally murdering someone that he normally considers his friend.] I was so upset, but I didn't, Mikey... I didn't want that. I just...
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don't really feel like getting up.
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i won't have tea ready.
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[He's really not sure if he wants tea or not, but seems dumb to protest too hard about it.]
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haven't been keeping track.
[Sometimes he forgets what day it is.]
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[Maybe really not his favorite, but they're the first things that still come to mind.]
not really that hungry though.
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(because he is eating anyway. gentle, soothing comfort, as one sees. he arrives, dropping the bag with two burgers on the closest surface, and settling on wherever he can sit, tapping a spot near him.)
Come eat.
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He stares up at Mikey from behind his shades, still silent and almost lost, before he actually does as told, getting up to sit next to the biker.]
...I... I didn't get to ask how you're doing.
[Scott remembers Yu comforting him right after the incident, but he didn't have it in him to ask how he was doing or if anything happened with him. There's some guilt that tugs in his chest for not asking, but that emotion, like others, fade to the back of his mind.]
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(the depressed, unmoving one. is manjiro the best person to aid scott through this? perhaps so, most likely not. the way he sees these incidents comes from a lifetime of them, guilt, blame, poorly dealing. too much experience, perhaps he's immune to how it affects others by now.)
I'm... Normal, I guess. This shit's Tuesday, minus, you know, infections and stuff.
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At least talking to Mikey feels mostly familiar. Somewhere in him, he's glad they're still close enough that they can do this. 'Normal' for Mikey though... somehow that's not encouraging.]
Yu and Yosuke... they're okay? [He tries to peer a little harder at his friend, despite himself.] You're handling things?
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which is precisely why he knows that drowning on it is not ideal.)
I'm handling it. It's obviously not easy, not straightforward, but we're... Handling it. It actually brought me and Yosuke closer again. You? I ain't gonna be the only one talking.
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Mikey isn't letting him off easy either.]
I was halfway hoping that you wouldn't notice.
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(he doesn't mean to be abrasive, but he finds that words lack from him to explain it in a gentler way. scott looks defeated, so even with a slapped smile and a cheerier tone, it wouldn't hide the state of his body.
manjiro isn't intelligent, but he damn well can read the tiredness and guilt in every line, as a map of misery on scott's face.)
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....Can I start eating at least?
[Not that he's really hungry still, but he's just trying to delay everything just a little bit more. If push comes to shove, Scott thinks that he can probably avoid talking about his stuff, at least to some extent, but a small part of him doesn't want to shove Mikey completely out. He's been lonely and lost and... having him like this is familiar in a good way.
Funny how he thought that things were complicated back then, when he destroyed a building with his powers. Scott thought he hit his low point then. It feels almost nothing now in comparison.]
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(there are many ways he could approach this, he thinks. for manjiro, he isn't sure what could work, but he knows allowing the other to wallow in his own sorrow for too long isn't going to help anybody.
for a little while, though? might be needed.)
Get your strength back.
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Why did he ask for meat again??
Scott fiddles with the wrapper and for a moment, it doesn't look like he's going to say anything, but--]
...I lost control.
[It was more than that, really. He's not sure how to describe it. Would Mikey understand? Maybe he would, more than others. He had that 'curse' for so long and Scott didn't really really get it.] ...I wasn't even myself.
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... it never happened, in the current reality. another blessing that manjiro didn't have to deal with, to pick up the pieces of a sanzu who idolized him thereafter.
lost in his thoughts, he only snaps after the words arrive.)
... Yeah, I know what that's like. Can't talk for Gnosia, but you know what happened to me, anyway. It's shitty.
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But what happened to him... he wasn't really infected. He was just different. A Scott from a separate reality. Yeah, he was still controlled by the Phoenix, but it doesn't feel as black and white to him as having gnosia in him. Honestly, he feels like what happened to him is more similar to what happened with Mikey.
That thought gives him a little more courage to talk about this further, even as he toys with the wrapper some more.]
It wasn't the Gonsia, Mikey. I... I wasn't one of the infected ones.
[His voice still that quiet, drained thing.]
I... I changed. Think people call it 'glitching.' Like changing into another version of yourself.
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(he so far hasn't had any news about a future scott - that he remembers, anyway. whether he can help is still to be seen, but he'll listen gladly, coming nearer so he can show support. it's a difficult concept, timelines, futures, and butterfly effects that turn a perfectly good person into a villain in a saint's skin.
it's... difficult. he was saved by the narrative, but if it were only up to him, he'd have killed the ones he loved most, and he wouldn't have felt a thing about it. that had been the reason why manjiro nursed the curse in importance, so that he didn't have to feel or fear.
is he really the best person, here?)
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More than that, he wanted to make sure that he didn't come back. Or Phoenix felt that way-- it was mostly her, right? He... he doesn't want Ryoji dead. He was angry and upset at the time but he didn't... he didn't want that. Scott releases a shaky sort of breath, his shoulders minutely trembling as he tries to sort his feelings once more.]
I killed Ryoji.
[That's the truth of it at least. Maybe?? Dazai would probably think so, right??]
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which is why he removes his jacket from his own shoulders to drape over scott's, hoping the warmth is at least a little comforting as he settles an arm around him.)
... I'm sorry.
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It makes it a little easier to continue with his story. It's still hard, of course, especially as he gets into these details, but he wants to let someone know what happened. And it's kind of terrible, but with all the blood on Mikey's hands, he... he knows that he can probably listen to all of this. Scott's eyes close behind his shades, mostly to calm himself as another wave of feelings wash over him.]
...I turned. I mean. You know about those glitches happening, right? I. Became another me, except that me had something else inside him too.
[Just a mixture of events that kept on happening, everything combining to make the worst possible outcome. His entire existence shifting, Kotone dying, Ryoji being infected, and then it was just him brutally murdering someone that he normally considers his friend.] I was so upset, but I didn't, Mikey... I didn't want that. I just...
[He's rambling but he can't stop.]
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