[The door's unlocked, so it was definitely no trouble for Mikey to come in and spot Scott still sort of sulking on the couch. He looks haggard, like he hasn't slept or eaten in a bit, and the teen doesn't even try to muster up a smile towards his friend when he drops the bag onto the coffee table in front of them.
He stares up at Mikey from behind his shades, still silent and almost lost, before he actually does as told, getting up to sit next to the biker.]
...I... I didn't get to ask how you're doing.
[Scott remembers Yu comforting him right after the incident, but he didn't have it in him to ask how he was doing or if anything happened with him. There's some guilt that tugs in his chest for not asking, but that emotion, like others, fade to the back of his mind.]
(the depressed, unmoving one. is manjiro the best person to aid scott through this? perhaps so, most likely not. the way he sees these incidents comes from a lifetime of them, guilt, blame, poorly dealing. too much experience, perhaps he's immune to how it affects others by now.)
I'm... Normal, I guess. This shit's Tuesday, minus, you know, infections and stuff.
[He stays silent when Mikey points out his rough appearance. Yeah, he has nothing there, no denial or anything because Scott knows that he probably looks awful. He's just never felt this way before, this lost. Losing Kotone in such a violent manner, then paying that retribution towards Ryoji in a way that was even more brutal... not to mention being someone--something else during that time.
At least talking to Mikey feels mostly familiar. Somewhere in him, he's glad they're still close enough that they can do this. 'Normal' for Mikey though... somehow that's not encouraging.]
Yu and Yosuke... they're okay? [He tries to peer a little harder at his friend, despite himself.] You're handling things?
(it isn't encouraging, because truthfully, it's not something to be proud of. it's not something easy to bring up, a conversation for family dinners and rounds of friends. it's sucked, and it will never not do so.
which is precisely why he knows that drowning on it is not ideal.)
I'm handling it. It's obviously not easy, not straightforward, but we're... Handling it. It actually brought me and Yosuke closer again. You? I ain't gonna be the only one talking.
[It's a little nice that it brought him and Yosuke together. He knows how much Yu cares about both Mikey and Yosuke and Mikey about Yu, but he didn't fully get the connection between them. It seems to be working though?? Doing better...? So, that's nice. Maybe a small thought for Scott to think about, even if the weight of everything else still rears its ugly head.
(he doesn't mean to be abrasive, but he finds that words lack from him to explain it in a gentler way. scott looks defeated, so even with a slapped smile and a cheerier tone, it wouldn't hide the state of his body.
manjiro isn't intelligent, but he damn well can read the tiredness and guilt in every line, as a map of misery on scott's face.)
[Not that he's really hungry still, but he's just trying to delay everything just a little bit more. If push comes to shove, Scott thinks that he can probably avoid talking about his stuff, at least to some extent, but a small part of him doesn't want to shove Mikey completely out. He's been lonely and lost and... having him like this is familiar in a good way.
Funny how he thought that things were complicated back then, when he destroyed a building with his powers. Scott thought he hit his low point then. It feels almost nothing now in comparison.]
(there are many ways he could approach this, he thinks. for manjiro, he isn't sure what could work, but he knows allowing the other to wallow in his own sorrow for too long isn't going to help anybody.
[With Mikey's go ahead, he reaches towards one of the patties to start unwrapping it. Hid mind still feels slightly numb and it doesn't feel like's doing much of anything, but soon enough, he's staring down at the burger with a quietness that really doesn't suit him. Even now, it's hard to take a bite, especially when a stray memory of Ryoji's burnt flesh flashes through his mind.
Why did he ask for meat again??
Scott fiddles with the wrapper and for a moment, it doesn't look like he's going to say anything, but--]
...I lost control.
[It was more than that, really. He's not sure how to describe it. Would Mikey understand? Maybe he would, more than others. He had that 'curse' for so long and Scott didn't really really get it.] ...I wasn't even myself.
(to deal with something like this. he remembers the first time something overcame him and when he came to, all was already done. it was sanzu, with his mouth ripped open from manjiro's own hands, laughing, laughing, laughing... because manjiro told him to do so. next he remembers, he was apologizing, but the scarring on sanzu's face never let up - in fact, for a good chunk of his years, he wore a mask to conceal it, make himself easier on the eye.
... it never happened, in the current reality. another blessing that manjiro didn't have to deal with, to pick up the pieces of a sanzu who idolized him thereafter.
lost in his thoughts, he only snaps after the words arrive.)
... Yeah, I know what that's like. Can't talk for Gnosia, but you know what happened to me, anyway. It's shitty.
[Scott's not sure if it would be easier or not saying that he hurt someone while infected with that gnosia crap. From what he knows, no one who had that virus could control themselves after a while. They hurt friends, strangers, anyone that crossed their path. It sounds like a shitty mindset to be in.
But what happened to him... he wasn't really infected. He was just different. A Scott from a separate reality. Yeah, he was still controlled by the Phoenix, but it doesn't feel as black and white to him as having gnosia in him. Honestly, he feels like what happened to him is more similar to what happened with Mikey.
That thought gives him a little more courage to talk about this further, even as he toys with the wrapper some more.]
It wasn't the Gonsia, Mikey. I... I wasn't one of the infected ones.
[His voice still that quiet, drained thing.]
I... I changed. Think people call it 'glitching.' Like changing into another version of yourself.
(he so far hasn't had any news about a future scott - that he remembers, anyway. whether he can help is still to be seen, but he'll listen gladly, coming nearer so he can show support. it's a difficult concept, timelines, futures, and butterfly effects that turn a perfectly good person into a villain in a saint's skin.
it's... difficult. he was saved by the narrative, but if it were only up to him, he'd have killed the ones he loved most, and he wouldn't have felt a thing about it. that had been the reason why manjiro nursed the curse in importance, so that he didn't have to feel or fear.
[It's such a simple question and one that he was expecting, but it doesn't really make it much easier to respond to. His fingers tighten around his food and possibly squishing some of the ingredients, but he really isn't paying much attention to it. Because as he thinks about that day, like clockwork, those images start replaying in his mind once more. His hand grasped around Ryoji's neck and burning skin and muscle until it was charred black. He didn't really stop, he didn't want to stop, because the only feeling that he had at time was to kill him.
More than that, he wanted to make sure that he didn't come back. Or Phoenix felt that way-- it was mostly her, right? He... he doesn't want Ryoji dead. He was angry and upset at the time but he didn't... he didn't want that. Scott releases a shaky sort of breath, his shoulders minutely trembling as he tries to sort his feelings once more.]
I killed Ryoji.
[That's the truth of it at least. Maybe?? Dazai would probably think so, right??]
(here is that moment in which mikey is not a perfect person. he doesn't remember many people, unless they're a constant in his life, and he cannot feel bad for someone he barely exchanged words, if he even recalls that. it does nothing for him to know that a person has suffered if he doesn't know them, but what he can tell is that it is eating scott up inside.
which is why he removes his jacket from his own shoulders to drape over scott's, hoping the warmth is at least a little comforting as he settles an arm around him.)
[As the jacket slides over his shoulders, Scott brings his free hand up to lightly grip the material, feeling its warmth from when it was on Mikey. It's comforting, so he doesn't even try to question it. He wants it. He knows that he must be a sight, sitting here with an untouched hamburger and a jacket around his slumped shoulders, but every little gesture chips away at the grief that's felt suffocating until now.
It makes it a little easier to continue with his story. It's still hard, of course, especially as he gets into these details, but he wants to let someone know what happened. And it's kind of terrible, but with all the blood on Mikey's hands, he... he knows that he can probably listen to all of this. Scott's eyes close behind his shades, mostly to calm himself as another wave of feelings wash over him.]
...I turned. I mean. You know about those glitches happening, right? I. Became another me, except that me had something else inside him too.
[Just a mixture of events that kept on happening, everything combining to make the worst possible outcome. His entire existence shifting, Kotone dying, Ryoji being infected, and then it was just him brutally murdering someone that he normally considers his friend.] I was so upset, but I didn't, Mikey... I didn't want that. I just...
(it's the closest thing he can relate to. it's truly the only thing he can relate to. he knows exactly what it is like, to see what is happening behind a window, trapped into one's mind, claustrophobic before all the actions he takes, and will take - but in his case, he welcomed it. it moved him without him willing himself to, goals rather than feelings, urges rather than wants. it worked, because mikey looked at it as something that he needed if he was going to be what he set out to be.
... it's not the same for scott. he can understand that, the sorrow of what could be, the sorrow of what was. he just doesn't know what to say. instead, he wraps his arms around the other, an attempt, awkward as it may be, to soothe.
even so, there's no hesitation in it. it's firm, as if it said 'rest on me. it's my burden to take'.)
[He doesn't know what it was like for Mikey, not fully, when he was cursed. He just was an entirely different person, at least to Scott, acting on impulses that he either normally contained or were new because of that curse. Hosting the Phoenix, something that latched onto him-- the other him, strangling some feelings while amplifying others, just overwhelmed by that power until he dissociated. Well, he was already dissociated the moment he glitched, but even that other Scott didn't have any control, not really.
It was all confusing and Scott's not sure if he'll ever be able to properly explain it. Maybe it's for the best. He just knows he doesn't want to feel that way ever again. He's never had so little control over himself, even when he was those other Scotts. Again, doesn't make sense, but maybe nothing has to. Maybe all that he needs to do is accept and fall into Mikey's hold, the mutant fully leaning into him as half-broken sobs loosen from his chest to resound around them.
Mikey said to let it out, so he will. In between a few gasping cries, Scott will try to explain more-- at least admit his guilt because keeping it within him had not helped.]
I-I killed my friend Mikey... I burnt him to death.
(it hurts, in many levels. his heart aches to see his friend so broken, so upset, the warmth of tears that drip onto the fabric of his shirt feeling like a stab to his soul. most of it is just-- scott deserves much better than to feel this way. he's a good person, has always been so, not a killer, not a danger, albeit the likelihood of him becoming one has always been there.
not because he consciously would, but it's a rather simple conclusion when his ability is so damn destructive.
the smaller part of why this stings so much is in regards to himself. what scott describes easily applies to him, but he didn't feel anything about it. manjiro felt it was just a way to do away with anything that stood in his way, empty, hollow-- does it bother him that he didn't feel that way, or does the fact that he could now change everything?
that's why, maybe, it unsteadies him - not that it shows. his face is serious save for his small smile in attempts to soothe, and his palm travels across scott's back in a caress.)
[It takes a long time for those cries to settle down, even remotely. Everything just feels wrong now, like things will never return back to normal (or whatever semblance of that he's managed to form for himself) and maybe that's true. It's not like he can expect everything to slide back into place after he killed someone, no matter if it was a cosmic space force in him or not. Even if-- when Ryoji comes back, it doesn't erase what he did.
More tears shed from his eyes at the thought.
He's not fully ready to discuss this more, so he shifts the topic slightly, to the person that's gently comforting him. It really is nice to be held like this, Mikey's warm embrace at least preventing Scott from losing himself entirely.]
I-Is that how it felt for you? [During the curse.] Dissociated? Barely yourself? Able to just stand there and watch your friend die...?
(his chin finds scott's head, so he can burrow even further if he needs to. manjiro's own set of actions when he's crying is to hide, so he wants to give scott the same courtesy, even if it's just a little bit. with his nose, he gently touches it, as to say it's fine, it's okay. stay as long as you need.
... but then, scott asks something. he might as well hear how mikey's heart skips a beat and accelerates, because he's... nervous, even if his voice is neutral. this might not help him, he fears, but he isn't going to lie, either.)
... Mostly so. You're a good person, so that's why you feel like you were barely yourself. You'd never hurt anyone if you could help it, which is why your power is so fucking ironic, you know? Because you can, easy, but you wouldn't.
(he can't help but swallow. he's still thinking about it, that fucking curse. how easy it would have made to heal yosuke, he wouldn't have felt any fear, any hesitation, and regret.
he misses it, how it didn't hold him back. hates what it does, what it represents.
love how it didn't stop him.)
... I would. I'm a violent, destructive person by nature, Summers, and I can't give a shit about anything or anyone who isn't mine. The curse... Just took what was already there, and exploded it by a thousand. You wouldn't hurt a fly, but you can. I would, but I'm not always ready to. It took the part of me that has a heart and shut it, so I wasn't... There. It was like I was just watching my worst self move about, and sometimes, just sometimes I could peek through -- but it didn't let me feel much.
[He easily folds deeper in Mikey's strong hold, the supporting closeness finally allowing Scott's eyes to close behind his shades and dimming the red glow that subtly always exists. His shoulders continue to tremble under Mikey and while he's hiding the cracked visage of himself from others and anyone that'd so happen to come across them (which they wouldn't but), he's still bundled in like he's finally found some source of comfort in the past couple of days. It's not entirely true, not when he's had numerous friends help him, but it doesn't diminish how he feels right now.
Their dinner is all but forgotten now, the hamburger he was holding dropped somewhere on the floor, but Scott doesn't care too much right now as his fingers curl around available limb and muscle. He lets himself depend on him, cling to a strength that's taken a beating but now solidified after multiple timelines, and listens to Mikey.
There's that reaffirmation that Scott's a good person. It's true that he wouldn't hurt anyone, at least he doesn't want to, but... it doesn't feel enough. Not to mention that a small of him did want to hurt Ryoji, just for a moment and that's all Phoenix needed. She saw that emotion, brought it out, amplified it, and took over. He felt that, before he lost himself somewhere between the roaring flames and all that cosmic power. Or guess it was that other Scott.
Does it matter?
As Mikey continues to talk about himself, saying that he's just a violent and destructive person by nature, he can't help but shake his head against him. His curse almost sounds like Phoenix, at least in some ways, maybe not a complete take over, but it's the closest thing Scott's heard since all this happened. It's strange, maybe even humorous, how quickly he speaks to his defense, even though the curse and Mikey's violence towards him and Yu was what caused them to be distant for a while. It puts things into perceptive when you had to face something similar.
At least Cursed Mikey just kicked him unconscious. Choked Yu until he passed out no he doesn't know still.]
M-Maybe it was you, in some way. But that's not only you. [He's saying this for Mikey, but maybe he's saying it for himself too. Is that okay to tell himself?] It had to shut off your feelings.
(he feels the head that shakes against him, and there's a lot to say about this that he doesn't. memories of him, an elementary school kid, rushing through hospital hallways to be with his mom and tell her all about how he beat the living shit of kids who were older, tougher, bigger. how bright her smile would be, how she'd tell him how strong he was. how, as the years went by, he grew more vicious, more violent, until he used it to protect something dear. a good action doesn't erase the root of it, but the more he thinks about what to say, the more the words stick to the sides of his throat.
he doesn't want to worsen what scott might feel about himself, and for a gentle moment, all he does is carefully pet the other's head, while his eyes search for a point to focus on. he was here, but right now, he's very much in his head.
it had to shut off his feelings, he has to agree to that. it aided him in doing things he would never have the courage to do, the nerve - horrible, despicable things, and he felt... nothing. he wishes that to be true now, with the vivid memory of yosuke bleeding on the grass.
... yeah, he can't do it. he once more nudges scott with his nose, before he slowly unpeels as not to startle.)
... Excuse me.
(and manjiro doesn't explain. the door to the bathroom opens, clicks closed, and he doesn't come out.
if scott listens, he will hear chocked out, trembled cries manjiro is trying to hide.)
[For a moment, Scott thinks he said something wrong.
His throat tightens, eyes quickly reopening as that source of warmth-- Mikey pulls away from him and stands up. Was it too much? Is he disappointed? A clingy, desperate part of Scott, the one that just lost Kotone, nearly wants to snatch the other's hand so that he doesn't keep walking away. Don't leave him alone. However, he pushes the urge down, buries it beneath hurt, watching as his friend... heads to the bathroom??? He's not heading out the door.
The confusion's enough to jar Scott out of his crushed state.
He grips the jacket that's still around his shoulders just a bit tighter before standing up, gathering whatever strength he has to follow Mikey. Maybe he just needed to take a piss-- but that more comical thought leaves his mind as he hears something else instead. ...Crying? Is Mikey...
...He is.
For the life of him, he doesn't think he's ever heard him cry before. Not that he thought the biker was incapable of it, of course not, but it's still a shock to Scott's system to hear those audible noises through the door. While there's much on his mind with parts of him frayed and stretched, Scott pieces something together as he leans against the door.]
Mikey...
[His voice is still watery, but there's a return of some strength.]
(it's not what he wanted, to take a moment that is so delicate to scott and crumble completely under it. ghosts of his past, to be the protector has always loomed around him, and here, he had never been a leader the same way. he doesn't fight the same, isn't needed the same way - too many people can hold their own regardless of him.
and yet, he treats his people the way he always had. burdens, worries, problems, shared with manjiro, and yet, none of his own ever leave him. at home, the weight of his titles lessens their weight, even if it will always be true. here, he's relearning, and restructuring, and scott has always looked at him with a certain fondness.
love and strength move as one, it's something he learned as a birth right - logically, it's untrue, unfounded, hollow and shallow, but emotionally, it's something manjiro will always struggle to separate. by hearing his trembles from behind the door, will the way scott smiles at him diminish? will he count on him less? will he like him less? will he...--
to hear his name doesn't help the volume of his sob, almost like it triggers it. minutes pass in the discomfort of silence, before a low voice comes out of it with a sniff.)
[Those minutes of silence feel like they drag on forever.
He's afraid, worried, concerned about his friend-- someone that's supported Scott on more than one occasion and it's actually sort of calming in a strange way. Hasn't it always been easier for him when he focuses on someone else rather than his own issues? Yeah. Sort of. It's just never been this extreme before. It still doesn't stop Scott from taking in deep breaths as he keeps himself close to the door, centering himself as he strains to hear Mikey through it. Even if Mikey was initially here to support him, Scott's more than willing to reverse their roles.
He... he wants to help him. It's important.]
Mikey... let me in.
[He can probably open the door, but he wants to give Mikey some time to gather himself. Maybe even wait for him to tell him it's okay to come in. However, he doesn't want Mikey to face this alone.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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He stares up at Mikey from behind his shades, still silent and almost lost, before he actually does as told, getting up to sit next to the biker.]
...I... I didn't get to ask how you're doing.
[Scott remembers Yu comforting him right after the incident, but he didn't have it in him to ask how he was doing or if anything happened with him. There's some guilt that tugs in his chest for not asking, but that emotion, like others, fade to the back of his mind.]
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(the depressed, unmoving one. is manjiro the best person to aid scott through this? perhaps so, most likely not. the way he sees these incidents comes from a lifetime of them, guilt, blame, poorly dealing. too much experience, perhaps he's immune to how it affects others by now.)
I'm... Normal, I guess. This shit's Tuesday, minus, you know, infections and stuff.
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At least talking to Mikey feels mostly familiar. Somewhere in him, he's glad they're still close enough that they can do this. 'Normal' for Mikey though... somehow that's not encouraging.]
Yu and Yosuke... they're okay? [He tries to peer a little harder at his friend, despite himself.] You're handling things?
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which is precisely why he knows that drowning on it is not ideal.)
I'm handling it. It's obviously not easy, not straightforward, but we're... Handling it. It actually brought me and Yosuke closer again. You? I ain't gonna be the only one talking.
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Mikey isn't letting him off easy either.]
I was halfway hoping that you wouldn't notice.
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(he doesn't mean to be abrasive, but he finds that words lack from him to explain it in a gentler way. scott looks defeated, so even with a slapped smile and a cheerier tone, it wouldn't hide the state of his body.
manjiro isn't intelligent, but he damn well can read the tiredness and guilt in every line, as a map of misery on scott's face.)
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....Can I start eating at least?
[Not that he's really hungry still, but he's just trying to delay everything just a little bit more. If push comes to shove, Scott thinks that he can probably avoid talking about his stuff, at least to some extent, but a small part of him doesn't want to shove Mikey completely out. He's been lonely and lost and... having him like this is familiar in a good way.
Funny how he thought that things were complicated back then, when he destroyed a building with his powers. Scott thought he hit his low point then. It feels almost nothing now in comparison.]
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(there are many ways he could approach this, he thinks. for manjiro, he isn't sure what could work, but he knows allowing the other to wallow in his own sorrow for too long isn't going to help anybody.
for a little while, though? might be needed.)
Get your strength back.
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Why did he ask for meat again??
Scott fiddles with the wrapper and for a moment, it doesn't look like he's going to say anything, but--]
...I lost control.
[It was more than that, really. He's not sure how to describe it. Would Mikey understand? Maybe he would, more than others. He had that 'curse' for so long and Scott didn't really really get it.] ...I wasn't even myself.
cw injury description
... it never happened, in the current reality. another blessing that manjiro didn't have to deal with, to pick up the pieces of a sanzu who idolized him thereafter.
lost in his thoughts, he only snaps after the words arrive.)
... Yeah, I know what that's like. Can't talk for Gnosia, but you know what happened to me, anyway. It's shitty.
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But what happened to him... he wasn't really infected. He was just different. A Scott from a separate reality. Yeah, he was still controlled by the Phoenix, but it doesn't feel as black and white to him as having gnosia in him. Honestly, he feels like what happened to him is more similar to what happened with Mikey.
That thought gives him a little more courage to talk about this further, even as he toys with the wrapper some more.]
It wasn't the Gonsia, Mikey. I... I wasn't one of the infected ones.
[His voice still that quiet, drained thing.]
I... I changed. Think people call it 'glitching.' Like changing into another version of yourself.
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(he so far hasn't had any news about a future scott - that he remembers, anyway. whether he can help is still to be seen, but he'll listen gladly, coming nearer so he can show support. it's a difficult concept, timelines, futures, and butterfly effects that turn a perfectly good person into a villain in a saint's skin.
it's... difficult. he was saved by the narrative, but if it were only up to him, he'd have killed the ones he loved most, and he wouldn't have felt a thing about it. that had been the reason why manjiro nursed the curse in importance, so that he didn't have to feel or fear.
is he really the best person, here?)
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More than that, he wanted to make sure that he didn't come back. Or Phoenix felt that way-- it was mostly her, right? He... he doesn't want Ryoji dead. He was angry and upset at the time but he didn't... he didn't want that. Scott releases a shaky sort of breath, his shoulders minutely trembling as he tries to sort his feelings once more.]
I killed Ryoji.
[That's the truth of it at least. Maybe?? Dazai would probably think so, right??]
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which is why he removes his jacket from his own shoulders to drape over scott's, hoping the warmth is at least a little comforting as he settles an arm around him.)
... I'm sorry.
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It makes it a little easier to continue with his story. It's still hard, of course, especially as he gets into these details, but he wants to let someone know what happened. And it's kind of terrible, but with all the blood on Mikey's hands, he... he knows that he can probably listen to all of this. Scott's eyes close behind his shades, mostly to calm himself as another wave of feelings wash over him.]
...I turned. I mean. You know about those glitches happening, right? I. Became another me, except that me had something else inside him too.
[Just a mixture of events that kept on happening, everything combining to make the worst possible outcome. His entire existence shifting, Kotone dying, Ryoji being infected, and then it was just him brutally murdering someone that he normally considers his friend.] I was so upset, but I didn't, Mikey... I didn't want that. I just...
[He's rambling but he can't stop.]
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(it's the closest thing he can relate to. it's truly the only thing he can relate to. he knows exactly what it is like, to see what is happening behind a window, trapped into one's mind, claustrophobic before all the actions he takes, and will take - but in his case, he welcomed it. it moved him without him willing himself to, goals rather than feelings, urges rather than wants. it worked, because mikey looked at it as something that he needed if he was going to be what he set out to be.
... it's not the same for scott. he can understand that, the sorrow of what could be, the sorrow of what was. he just doesn't know what to say. instead, he wraps his arms around the other, an attempt, awkward as it may be, to soothe.
even so, there's no hesitation in it. it's firm, as if it said 'rest on me. it's my burden to take'.)
Let it out.
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[He doesn't know what it was like for Mikey, not fully, when he was cursed. He just was an entirely different person, at least to Scott, acting on impulses that he either normally contained or were new because of that curse. Hosting the Phoenix, something that latched onto him-- the other him, strangling some feelings while amplifying others, just overwhelmed by that power until he dissociated. Well, he was already dissociated the moment he glitched, but even that other Scott didn't have any control, not really.
It was all confusing and Scott's not sure if he'll ever be able to properly explain it. Maybe it's for the best. He just knows he doesn't want to feel that way ever again. He's never had so little control over himself, even when he was those other Scotts. Again, doesn't make sense, but maybe nothing has to. Maybe all that he needs to do is accept and fall into Mikey's hold, the mutant fully leaning into him as half-broken sobs loosen from his chest to resound around them.
Mikey said to let it out, so he will. In between a few gasping cries, Scott will try to explain more-- at least admit his guilt because keeping it within him had not helped.]
I-I killed my friend Mikey... I burnt him to death.
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not because he consciously would, but it's a rather simple conclusion when his ability is so damn destructive.
the smaller part of why this stings so much is in regards to himself. what scott describes easily applies to him, but he didn't feel anything about it. manjiro felt it was just a way to do away with anything that stood in his way, empty, hollow-- does it bother him that he didn't feel that way, or does the fact that he could now change everything?
that's why, maybe, it unsteadies him - not that it shows. his face is serious save for his small smile in attempts to soothe, and his palm travels across scott's back in a caress.)
... I know the feeling. Let it out, Summers.
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More tears shed from his eyes at the thought.
He's not fully ready to discuss this more, so he shifts the topic slightly, to the person that's gently comforting him. It really is nice to be held like this, Mikey's warm embrace at least preventing Scott from losing himself entirely.]
I-Is that how it felt for you? [During the curse.] Dissociated? Barely yourself? Able to just stand there and watch your friend die...?
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... but then, scott asks something. he might as well hear how mikey's heart skips a beat and accelerates, because he's... nervous, even if his voice is neutral. this might not help him, he fears, but he isn't going to lie, either.)
... Mostly so. You're a good person, so that's why you feel like you were barely yourself. You'd never hurt anyone if you could help it, which is why your power is so fucking ironic, you know? Because you can, easy, but you wouldn't.
(he can't help but swallow. he's still thinking about it, that fucking curse. how easy it would have made to heal yosuke, he wouldn't have felt any fear, any hesitation, and regret.
he misses it, how it didn't hold him back. hates what it does, what it represents.
love how it didn't stop him.)
... I would. I'm a violent, destructive person by nature, Summers, and I can't give a shit about anything or anyone who isn't mine. The curse... Just took what was already there, and exploded it by a thousand. You wouldn't hurt a fly, but you can. I would, but I'm not always ready to. It took the part of me that has a heart and shut it, so I wasn't... There. It was like I was just watching my worst self move about, and sometimes, just sometimes I could peek through -- but it didn't let me feel much.
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Their dinner is all but forgotten now, the hamburger he was holding dropped somewhere on the floor, but Scott doesn't care too much right now as his fingers curl around available limb and muscle. He lets himself depend on him, cling to a strength that's taken a beating but now solidified after multiple timelines, and listens to Mikey.
There's that reaffirmation that Scott's a good person. It's true that he wouldn't hurt anyone, at least he doesn't want to, but... it doesn't feel enough. Not to mention that a small of him did want to hurt Ryoji, just for a moment and that's all Phoenix needed. She saw that emotion, brought it out, amplified it, and took over. He felt that, before he lost himself somewhere between the roaring flames and all that cosmic power. Or guess it was that other Scott.
Does it matter?
As Mikey continues to talk about himself, saying that he's just a violent and destructive person by nature, he can't help but shake his head against him. His curse almost sounds like Phoenix, at least in some ways, maybe not a complete take over, but it's the closest thing Scott's heard since all this happened. It's strange, maybe even humorous, how quickly he speaks to his defense, even though the curse and Mikey's violence towards him and Yu was what caused them to be distant for a while. It puts things into perceptive when you had to face something similar.
At least Cursed Mikey just kicked him unconscious. Choked Yu until he passed out
no he doesn't know still.]M-Maybe it was you, in some way. But that's not only you. [He's saying this for Mikey, but maybe he's saying it for himself too. Is that okay to tell himself?] It had to shut off your feelings.
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he doesn't want to worsen what scott might feel about himself, and for a gentle moment, all he does is carefully pet the other's head, while his eyes search for a point to focus on. he was here, but right now, he's very much in his head.
it had to shut off his feelings, he has to agree to that. it aided him in doing things he would never have the courage to do, the nerve - horrible, despicable things, and he felt... nothing. he wishes that to be true now, with the vivid memory of yosuke bleeding on the grass.
... yeah, he can't do it. he once more nudges scott with his nose, before he slowly unpeels as not to startle.)
... Excuse me.
(and manjiro doesn't explain. the door to the bathroom opens, clicks closed, and he doesn't come out.
if scott listens, he will hear chocked out, trembled cries manjiro is trying to hide.)
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His throat tightens, eyes quickly reopening as that source of warmth-- Mikey pulls away from him and stands up. Was it too much? Is he disappointed? A clingy, desperate part of Scott, the one that just lost Kotone, nearly wants to snatch the other's hand so that he doesn't keep walking away. Don't leave him alone. However, he pushes the urge down, buries it beneath hurt, watching as his friend... heads to the bathroom??? He's not heading out the door.
The confusion's enough to jar Scott out of his crushed state.
He grips the jacket that's still around his shoulders just a bit tighter before standing up, gathering whatever strength he has to follow Mikey. Maybe he just needed to take a piss-- but that more comical thought leaves his mind as he hears something else instead. ...Crying? Is Mikey...
...He is.
For the life of him, he doesn't think he's ever heard him cry before. Not that he thought the biker was incapable of it, of course not, but it's still a shock to Scott's system to hear those audible noises through the door. While there's much on his mind with parts of him frayed and stretched, Scott pieces something together as he leans against the door.]
Mikey...
[His voice is still watery, but there's a return of some strength.]
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and yet, he treats his people the way he always had. burdens, worries, problems, shared with manjiro, and yet, none of his own ever leave him. at home, the weight of his titles lessens their weight, even if it will always be true. here, he's relearning, and restructuring, and scott has always looked at him with a certain fondness.
love and strength move as one, it's something he learned as a birth right - logically, it's untrue, unfounded, hollow and shallow, but emotionally, it's something manjiro will always struggle to separate. by hearing his trembles from behind the door, will the way scott smiles at him diminish? will he count on him less? will he like him less? will he...--
to hear his name doesn't help the volume of his sob, almost like it triggers it. minutes pass in the discomfort of silence, before a low voice comes out of it with a sniff.)
... Sorry, Summers.
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He's afraid, worried, concerned about his friend-- someone that's supported Scott on more than one occasion and it's actually sort of calming in a strange way. Hasn't it always been easier for him when he focuses on someone else rather than his own issues? Yeah. Sort of. It's just never been this extreme before. It still doesn't stop Scott from taking in deep breaths as he keeps himself close to the door, centering himself as he strains to hear Mikey through it. Even if Mikey was initially here to support him, Scott's more than willing to reverse their roles.
He... he wants to help him. It's important.]
Mikey... let me in.
[He can probably open the door, but he wants to give Mikey some time to gather himself. Maybe even wait for him to tell him it's okay to come in. However, he doesn't want Mikey to face this alone.]
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cw gruesome death descriptions
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