[Those words sting, the weight of them heavier with everything that's happened. Normally he would be a little more resistant, not as wounded by Mikey's retort, but Scott's been feeling like a failure in many ways lately. He's tempted to leave Mikey alone, but whatever scraps of his pride and stubbornness still remain, just enough for him to keep himself pressed against the door. He'll just... shove the hurt down. It's fine. He's not going to get upset at his friend.
When has that ever helped?
Besides, Mikey is deep in his own grief. He knows that. He had to hide in the bathroom and keep his tears hidden from world around him. Keeping that in mind centers Scott in some ways and it definitely helps as Mikey begins speaking once more. He's... still opening up.]
..... [So, that's what happened. This place giving Mikey a shitty way to heal people and he had to beat up Yosuke to cure him. It's messed up, especially after his friend has finally found a good spot for himself, back home and here. Scott knows Mikey, how much he would not want to do something like that. It's hard to hear.
His reaction, the reason why he's crying in the bathroom, makes complete sense. However, he doesn't see Mikey as weak for it.] It's not your fault-- I.
[...] It's crappy, but... it's better to feel guilty and scared than feeling nothing.
[That's how he felt when he was Phoenix, when he was killing Ryoji. He didn't care about the pain he was causing.]
(he knows what scott is getting to. the idea that feeling makes you a better person, one that cares, but feeling hurts. feeling hinders. what if he wasn't able to swallow his anxiety and his fear when yosuke needed him? he doesn't think a younger him could have done it. over and over, any possible universe he has ever inhabited, that had always been in the very clear in his mind. how precious the curse was, how important, because he could bulldoze over anything, anyone, until that overcame him.
the last adult he had become was thin, exhausted, ruthless. one that could eat on top of a cage of bones, watching bullets enter skulls of traitors and it never made him sick, bothered, annoyed. this one... although a miserable man, manjiro kept everyone safe, from him or otherwise. his people had futures, weddings, loves, a life. and he had the darkness that surrounded him.
it's not that he misses the man he had been. he misses how that man didn't feel when he had to move, didn't suffer when he needed to act.
and perhaps scott can't understand how fucked up in the head he is over it - although now, he might. he too received a blessing and a curse... although he couldn't right now, given manjiro has never told him.)
... Once, Summers. I stabbed... Kenchin until he fell dead. I choked Mitsuya to death, shot Chifuyu in the head. Burned Hakkai alive... Because Takemitchy left me, and they let him, and I didn't... Couldn't do it without him, so I tried to get Takemitchy to kill me and end this bullshit, I needed all of them gone so they wouldn't get in the way. Another time... I left, like I did here, and everyone was safe from me and had happy, fulfilling lives. I shot him so he didn't go back in time to change it all again on the chance he could have me around.
Can't say I was right in the head in neither of these timelines, and that's not counting... All the other less personal bullshit that I was involved in, I really wasn't stable, but fuck if I did what I thought I had to do, because when it's not there, I'm fucking emotional. What if next time this shit happens, I freeze? I can't fucking have that.
[He wants to immediately protest hearing Mikey's response. Yes, it still is better than feeling nothing. All Scott can remember when he felt nothing was flames and a body in front of him burnt to death. Torched so badly that Ryoji was barely even recognizable and he didn't care. In fact, he wanted it. It was just so easy to end a life like that and it was awful, nearly getting Scott to shudder despite him trying to focus on Mikey and his words.
Does he need to confront Phoenix-- what he did as that glitched form to even talk to Mikey about this?
He can't think, especially not as Mikey tells more of his crimes to him. Stabbing people, choking others, shooting... the list goes on and it makes his stomach churn terribly. Sure, he knew Mikey did some bad crap as a leader of the gang, but hearing about these sort of violent acts is hard. Maybe a part of him fully recoils knowing all this now. But if it's horrible for him, it's undoubtedly even worse for his friend now, especially if he doesn't have his 'curse' anymore to shield himself from it.]
I... I know it's scary, the idea of freezing up. Being too emotional and not being able to get shit done. Letting down your friends and everyone counting on you.
[...] But it's scarier to feel nothing. To turn into something you're not, allow yourself to kill even a friend without mercy. Burn them, and continue to do so, even when they stopped breathing. Even when their skin has been burnt off and...
[Scott trails into silence, unable to keep on talking about it because now he's remembering and he wants to expel everything in his stomach once more.]
(that's the thing. manjiro knows it is only awful because they can feel it now, and know the depths of what was wrong back then. it shouldn't be normal, healthy, good to not feel, and yet, it'd make this whole event completely avoidable.
... although, to be fair, it'd make mikey completely unreachable, too. logic exists, even when feeling doesn't. he never wanted to tell scott so directly, and yet, he can't ignore the faint smell of smoke that reaches his nose, the way his hands flinch a little when he noticed them clenching.)
... That's you, though, Scott. You're the one who's too good. We're different.
[Is he really that good?? Or just wasn't Phoenix long enough??]
...You're good too, Mikey. [He eventually says, quietly.] I'm not saying you never did anything wrong, because we both know that's far from the case.
[Even if it was the curse's fault, what happened still happened. Plus, even without the curse, he doesn't think Mikey never hurt someone before. It's just he's not entirely bad. Takemichi wouldn't have tried so hard, Yu wouldn't be with him, right? Mikey wouldn't have gone out of his way in the past to help Scott.]
But you're trying. You're trying now.
[That phrase has come back to Scott many times now. Not quite parting words from Dazai, but definitely the lesson that's stuck most to him. Even after all this time, he still remembers him and how much he both helped him and drove him nuts. He doesn't think about him too long, not when Mikey's still shut on the other side of this door, something that gets the mutant to slowly slide to the floor and lean against it.
At least none of his roommates are here to witness this. Probably makes it easy for Mikey too.] It's okay if you're feel weak about it.
(just because he can't that easily doesn't mean the spirit isn't willing, begging, when it has to. if someone ever so slightly hurt scott, he doesn't think he'd be able to stand by, to not move a muscle about it. changed man or not, that's not how he was raised, not how he thinks.
and yet, what if it took the shape of another loved one? then what? and yet, that's not what he is thinking about. looming over his head is the fact he is crying about it, not alone, but where scott can hear and feel, and that may shake his view of manjiro as is.
he's no one's boss this time around, long gone the days he held that weight on his shoulders silently, the burden of being strong... but old habits die hard.)
[At this moment, he can't help but compare Mikey to Kotone. Didn't she feel like she had to be strong and dependable for her team all the time? Never breaking down in front of them because she felt that was necessary when it came to being a leader? She's truly gotten better now, but it has taken months to help her through that. He wonders if Mikey still feels the same way, or at least something similar.
He's sure Yu told him that it's fine to feel this way, but... maybe he needs to still hear it from others? From Scott?? There's definitely genuine worry that keeps Scott planted against the door, but also a familiar stubbornness, something that actually feels nice after the terrible crap with Phoenix.]
It's okay to me. [...] I... you know that you don't have to be strong all the time, not for me at least.
[Maybe bold to say since he was crying against Mikey not too long ago.]
(he's a wall, even if he has seen the consequences of what his way of thinking can do. he's been manipulated to the bone, sunk further and further into his own demise, and not a peep, not once has he uttered any requests for help.
against the back of scott's head, he might feel manjiro's own setting against the wood, a sniffle, another one, as he tries to dry his cheeks, un-ugly his face, he's definitely not a pretty cryer.)
I know. It's just not who I am. It's... Hard, to be seen. I'm sure all the leaders you know are like that, too.
[Even though Mikey is physically closer, Scott still feels distant from him. Funny that a stupid door is keeping them separate, although, that's not really the cause, is it?]
Yeah, Kotone, Yu. Minato.
[Probably some others, but those are some names that immediately pop into his mind.]
But they've also learned to rely on others too, ask for help. They just don't face this alone.
[Maybe he's speaking for Yu and Minato, but he knows this is true for Kotone at least. He was there for that entire development, after all. He never wants her to feel alone like that again, because he loves her. But he also doesn't want Mikey to feel that way too, because he cares about him. Even if it's not with him, maybe Yu can be that person.]
(... it's baby steps, for all of them, he supposes.
there is a piercing silence that permeates for a while, not a sound that manjiro makes for the longest time until the creaking of the door slowly opening announces that he is trying, too. he does feel defeated, it is in his expression, with puffy eyes and the reddest nose, and in the way he closes it before sitting on the floor next to scott, taking a righteous place on his neck and collarbone.
[A silent hope starts building in his chest when the door opens, Scott looking up from his spot on the ground to look at the worn out figure of his friend. He's not sure if he's seen him this defeated before and broken down before. It was always obvious that the biker was crying in the bathroom, but seeing the traces of it is a painful affirmation that only makes the mutant want to reach out more.
Luckily, he doesn't say anything. More words at this point would be too much, right? It's already a large step for Mikey to let himself be seen like this.
So, Scott quietly just wraps his arms around his friend, letting him bury his face against available neck. He's long grown past feeling embarrassed about this kind of thing. Not to mention that supporting Mikey is far more important. Just like how a lot of his friends originally helped him through so much shit, it's time for him to return that favor.]
(it's both comfortable and ridiculously painful to be here. it's warm, and he feels the embrace and the care, the safety, and yet, he hates that he allows himself to accept it. he shouldn't, he couldn't, but he's here either way. his feet moved on their own, almost like his body knew he needed it - how many timelines has he denied himself that? how many decades, how many years, how much strength does he have to swallow his burdens and fight alone?
he doesn't know if his mother would be proud or disappointed. he doesn't want to speak, and he realizes that there's no intention from scott to do so either. there's a lot of hesitance in his hand, does it take the other boy's, does it not, back, forth, until he does.
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When has that ever helped?
Besides, Mikey is deep in his own grief. He knows that. He had to hide in the bathroom and keep his tears hidden from world around him. Keeping that in mind centers Scott in some ways and it definitely helps as Mikey begins speaking once more. He's... still opening up.]
..... [So, that's what happened. This place giving Mikey a shitty way to heal people and he had to beat up Yosuke to cure him. It's messed up, especially after his friend has finally found a good spot for himself, back home and here. Scott knows Mikey, how much he would not want to do something like that. It's hard to hear.
His reaction, the reason why he's crying in the bathroom, makes complete sense. However, he doesn't see Mikey as weak for it.] It's not your fault-- I.
[...] It's crappy, but... it's better to feel guilty and scared than feeling nothing.
[That's how he felt when he was Phoenix, when he was killing Ryoji. He didn't care about the pain he was causing.]
cw gruesome death descriptions
(he knows what scott is getting to. the idea that feeling makes you a better person, one that cares, but feeling hurts. feeling hinders. what if he wasn't able to swallow his anxiety and his fear when yosuke needed him? he doesn't think a younger him could have done it. over and over, any possible universe he has ever inhabited, that had always been in the very clear in his mind. how precious the curse was, how important, because he could bulldoze over anything, anyone, until that overcame him.
the last adult he had become was thin, exhausted, ruthless. one that could eat on top of a cage of bones, watching bullets enter skulls of traitors and it never made him sick, bothered, annoyed. this one... although a miserable man, manjiro kept everyone safe, from him or otherwise. his people had futures, weddings, loves, a life. and he had the darkness that surrounded him.
it's not that he misses the man he had been. he misses how that man didn't feel when he had to move, didn't suffer when he needed to act.
and perhaps scott can't understand how fucked up in the head he is over it - although now, he might. he too received a blessing and a curse... although he couldn't right now, given manjiro has never told him.)
... Once, Summers. I stabbed... Kenchin until he fell dead. I choked Mitsuya to death, shot Chifuyu in the head. Burned Hakkai alive... Because Takemitchy left me, and they let him, and I didn't... Couldn't do it without him, so I tried to get Takemitchy to kill me and end this bullshit, I needed all of them gone so they wouldn't get in the way. Another time... I left, like I did here, and everyone was safe from me and had happy, fulfilling lives. I shot him so he didn't go back in time to change it all again on the chance he could have me around.
Can't say I was right in the head in neither of these timelines, and that's not counting... All the other less personal bullshit that I was involved in, I really wasn't stable, but fuck if I did what I thought I had to do, because when it's not there, I'm fucking emotional. What if next time this shit happens, I freeze? I can't fucking have that.
... I'm scared.
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Does he need to confront Phoenix-- what he did as that glitched form to even talk to Mikey about this?
He can't think, especially not as Mikey tells more of his crimes to him. Stabbing people, choking others, shooting... the list goes on and it makes his stomach churn terribly. Sure, he knew Mikey did some bad crap as a leader of the gang, but hearing about these sort of violent acts is hard. Maybe a part of him fully recoils knowing all this now. But if it's horrible for him, it's undoubtedly even worse for his friend now, especially if he doesn't have his 'curse' anymore to shield himself from it.]
I... I know it's scary, the idea of freezing up. Being too emotional and not being able to get shit done. Letting down your friends and everyone counting on you.
[...] But it's scarier to feel nothing. To turn into something you're not, allow yourself to kill even a friend without mercy. Burn them, and continue to do so, even when they stopped breathing. Even when their skin has been burnt off and...
[Scott trails into silence, unable to keep on talking about it because now he's remembering and he wants to expel everything in his stomach once more.]
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... although, to be fair, it'd make mikey completely unreachable, too. logic exists, even when feeling doesn't. he never wanted to tell scott so directly, and yet, he can't ignore the faint smell of smoke that reaches his nose, the way his hands flinch a little when he noticed them clenching.)
... That's you, though, Scott. You're the one who's too good. We're different.
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...You're good too, Mikey. [He eventually says, quietly.] I'm not saying you never did anything wrong, because we both know that's far from the case.
[Even if it was the curse's fault, what happened still happened. Plus, even without the curse, he doesn't think Mikey never hurt someone before. It's just he's not entirely bad. Takemichi wouldn't have tried so hard, Yu wouldn't be with him, right? Mikey wouldn't have gone out of his way in the past to help Scott.]
But you're trying. You're trying now.
[That phrase has come back to Scott many times now. Not quite parting words from Dazai, but definitely the lesson that's stuck most to him. Even after all this time, he still remembers him and how much he both helped him and drove him nuts. He doesn't think about him too long, not when Mikey's still shut on the other side of this door, something that gets the mutant to slowly slide to the floor and lean against it.
At least none of his roommates are here to witness this. Probably makes it easy for Mikey too.] It's okay if you're feel weak about it.
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(just because he can't that easily doesn't mean the spirit isn't willing, begging, when it has to. if someone ever so slightly hurt scott, he doesn't think he'd be able to stand by, to not move a muscle about it. changed man or not, that's not how he was raised, not how he thinks.
and yet, what if it took the shape of another loved one? then what? and yet, that's not what he is thinking about. looming over his head is the fact he is crying about it, not alone, but where scott can hear and feel, and that may shake his view of manjiro as is.
he's no one's boss this time around, long gone the days he held that weight on his shoulders silently, the burden of being strong... but old habits die hard.)
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He's sure Yu told him that it's fine to feel this way, but... maybe he needs to still hear it from others? From Scott?? There's definitely genuine worry that keeps Scott planted against the door, but also a familiar stubbornness, something that actually feels nice after the terrible crap with Phoenix.]
It's okay to me. [...] I... you know that you don't have to be strong all the time, not for me at least.
[Maybe bold to say since he was crying against Mikey not too long ago.]
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against the back of scott's head, he might feel manjiro's own setting against the wood, a sniffle, another one, as he tries to dry his cheeks, un-ugly his face, he's definitely not a pretty cryer.)
I know. It's just not who I am. It's... Hard, to be seen. I'm sure all the leaders you know are like that, too.
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Yeah, Kotone, Yu. Minato.
[Probably some others, but those are some names that immediately pop into his mind.]
But they've also learned to rely on others too, ask for help. They just don't face this alone.
[Maybe he's speaking for Yu and Minato, but he knows this is true for Kotone at least. He was there for that entire development, after all. He never wants her to feel alone like that again, because he loves her. But he also doesn't want Mikey to feel that way too, because he cares about him. Even if it's not with him, maybe Yu can be that person.]
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there is a piercing silence that permeates for a while, not a sound that manjiro makes for the longest time until the creaking of the door slowly opening announces that he is trying, too. he does feel defeated, it is in his expression, with puffy eyes and the reddest nose, and in the way he closes it before sitting on the floor next to scott, taking a righteous place on his neck and collarbone.
not a word.)
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Luckily, he doesn't say anything. More words at this point would be too much, right? It's already a large step for Mikey to let himself be seen like this.
So, Scott quietly just wraps his arms around his friend, letting him bury his face against available neck. He's long grown past feeling embarrassed about this kind of thing. Not to mention that supporting Mikey is far more important. Just like how a lot of his friends originally helped him through so much shit, it's time for him to return that favor.]
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he doesn't know if his mother would be proud or disappointed. he doesn't want to speak, and he realizes that there's no intention from scott to do so either. there's a lot of hesitance in his hand, does it take the other boy's, does it not, back, forth, until he does.
... and he sleeps. he's exhausted. it's a lot.)