Mhm, not really. I was rich, and yet, I lived in a shipping container. I never cared about money.
(it's a little hard to explain, where does he begin? it's such a downer.)
I witnessed something, and I'm... Important to them, but the decision to join was mine. I've been suicidal since I can remember, I thought if I witnessed the worst of the worst, I'd find out why people keep pressing on. Turns out, I didn't find it. When he died, I switched sides, and I've been on the opposite side ever since.
[Honestly, Scott's not entirely sure if he's following. He feels like he's trying to piece something together based on the few things he knows about him, such as his suicidal attempts and his boyfriend or lover getting murdered, but he can't. Or maybe he's just too focused on the fact that Dazai is an actual mafia boss that's killed people for... what again?]
...I don't understand still. Why did you kill people?
Work, which I did because I was trying to understand the worst in people, so I could find something good about living, and want to live myself. You're very lively, so I don't expect you to understand this part yourself.
(after all, he looked. he tried, he squinted, he has done horrible things, and yet, nothing. nothing made him want to press on as people often do.
odasaku did, and then odasaku was taken from him by the place he helped thrive.)
[Seeing the worst in people compels him to live?? Shouldn't that be the opposite? Maybe there's no point trying to understand Dazai's thought process, because he's always been hard to really get. Besides, there's still something else that is nagging him, a question that he doesn't want the answer to, but he can't stop the small whisper that comes out.]
...How badly did you hurt people? [Before Dazai gets the chance to answer, Scott turns his head up to look at him with an angry look, one that's trying to desperately hide the breakdown that he feels coming.]
How badly did you hurt others?! Just so that you didn't off yourself?!
(no use in trying to talk to him like he's a child right now, but there's no use lying either. his nickname is in the air, 'demon prodigy' a known title to a few. he wants to sigh again -- it's often more complicated than that. there's a whole lot to unpack, and it won't go anywhere if he doesn't let scott let it out of him - he was born in this. it'd been all he had ever known, and he thought, in his stupid teenage brain, that seeing why others hold on in such circumstances would bring some light to a brain that never stops ticking.)
Scott, breathe. You're spiraling again, and it won't help either of us. Sit, breathe, or I'm leaving.
[He hears the new tone that Dazai's taken and a part of him does shrink back, almost intimidated by his demeanor. But as that feeling emerges, so does his anger, and he feels it taking hold of him, the red light behind his glasses sharpening for a second.]
Stop telling me to calm down! [He bangs the table with a fist, ignoring the pain that shoots up his arm from that action. It doesn't really matter right now.]
Why should I just sit and act like everything's fine when you're telling me all this crap?!
(as promised, he'll walk. if he won't be able to continue talking if scott is going to keep the anger on the surface of his skin. useless to talk to fire, so he stands up, hands sticking into his pocket.)
[Scott didn't think that Dazai was actually serious, so he feels his chest constrict as the older man stands up, making his intentions to leave known. I-is that it?]
Y-You're really just gonna leave?
[His voice isn't cracking at the end, what are you talking about. He swallows past the lump in his throat and finds himself clinging to that anger still, ignoring any rationale or that he probably needs to calm down. Screw that.]
Fine, then go! [Even if he's the one that's in Dazai's room. Whatever.]
(Scott is simple. he's not like himself, or the man he shares his bed, when they were his age. not like akechi, or akira, or kotone. in fact, this is the first time he has to deal with an outburst regarding his past, so he pauses at the question.)
I invited you to listen, and yet you are choosing to yell? I'd rather leave and let you come when you feel like listening. So, control that anger. Are you going to listen?
[He feels like he's being talked down upon and it only serves to fuel the growing frustration that he has about this whole situation. H-he's not some stupid kid!! Scott almost lashes out once more, but the words remain lodged in his throat as he looks at Dazai and how he's about ready to leave, and he finds himself glaring down at the table instead.
He's still mad, but he doesn't say anything else, to either confirm or deny that he'll listen.]
(while dazai could be freaking out, he's not. he's collected as he returns, fixing the his trenchcoat on his figure as he moves around the apartment for a cigarette pack, an ashtray, a lighter. it's simply stalling to give the other more time to think, process. he doesn't think he's stupid - after all, he's simply innocent. that's what it comes down to.
he lights it with grace, the drag he takes long and he allows the smoke to sit in his lungs for a moment before blowing it above his head.)
Before I was an Executive, I was on a mission to move counterfeit money, but I got shot a few times, and I thought that was it. Here, here, here... I think here-- oh, no, that one was someone else.
(he points on his stomach, his chest. his skin is marked by so much pain, no wonder he is covered from head to toe.)
A man found me, and he took me against my will - because, of course, I was happy I was finally going to kick it. He tied me up so I wouldn't run and he kept treating me, even while I was trying my best to make him so sick of me he'd kill me himself. I later found out that this man, so humble, so disgustingly good of a person, was a very dangerous killer - who decided to become a writer. Due to this, he decided never to kill again, because he couldn't write about people while being their suffering. The last thing he asked of me before he died in my arms was to become a good person and save others. With this background, the story I want to tell you is hardly my own. Will you listen?
[At least Dazai hasn't left yet, something that he's honestly glad about, and it's a feeling that he can't entirely get rid of despite how upset he is. So many adults have come and gone since he arrived, many of them wanting to help him, and Dazai sort of has been the only one to stick around so far (at least of the adults he's gotten really talked to). Scott doesn't want him gone or think he's trash, even if he may be a terrible murderer in the past.
Although, he's not sure how that reflects upon him.
He eventually turns his gaze over to Dazai, quietly listening to what he has to say. Scott remembers about his closest person being murdered in front of him, so he figures this is the same guy, but he never figured that individual being kind of terrible as well. He's getting the picture that Dazai probably wants to do something similar, be a better person like his dead partner tried to be.
Does it absolve him for the shit he did in the past though? Scott clenches his hands on the top of his legs, but he manages to keep calm.]
The story is about three different kids. The Port Mafia is a place that has a good number of extraordinary kids under their belt. Chuuya and I started our careers at age 15, and there are younger ones. There's a little girl whose name is Kyouka, she's currently 13. She traveled in darkness for a long time, a favorite of another Executive, and at one point, we took her into the Armed Detective Agency, but she hardly felt belonging - she had killed around 35 people at that point directly. She thought she wasn't deserving of doing good, simply because of her past. We spoke, and because she was brave, despite what she had done, she saved our lives, and an entire city. She's a valuable co-worker to me as we both walk the other side. Do you think a little girl like her deserves a second chance, Scott?
(he has a point. two people to go, and he'll get to the core of what he's attempting to teach the boy.)
[A thirteen year old girl did all that...? Scott knows that Dazai isn't lying, he's willing to give that much to him, no matter how his view may shift and change.]
Y-Yeah, of course! I'm not an asshole! [Her circumstances were probably different and everything, right? She probably got forced into killing or something...]
Alright. So, Kyouka could be forgiven. Let's look into another case. The Port Mafia is structured into the Boss, the Executives, and then everyone else. The Boss was my mentor, and alongside with me, there was a child. Their name is Q. Their ability is the most fucked up thing I have ever seen - it's activated if someone harms Q in any way, and then they are mind controlled into seeing the worst hallucinations in full belief of it being reality. They have murdered several people in the Mafia, and they also manipulate ways for people to hurt them, even if it's simply a push, so they can activate it. Due to my ability, I'm not affected -- so I've put them in a dungeon, since they do enjoy the carnage. They're simply 13, too, but will act as a child, sweet, innocent. They don't see the sun, and they're solely alive because I'm the only one who's able to approach. Solely 13, though. Do they get a second chance? What makes them so different from Kyouka-chan?
[Man, just... what the hell? Why is he being asked all these stupid philosophical questions? Scott feels a flare of his original anger, but he shoves it down this time, because he also knows they aren't just... what if situations. It's shit Dazai deals with back home.]
I... I don't fucking know. [He turns his face to stare almost grumpily at the door.] If Q enjoys hurting people, he sounds kind of awful, even if he is 13. It doesn't sound like Kyouka enjoyed any of the shit she did.
(almost there. 'i don't fucking know' is a wonderful start to where he's getting at.)
My last piece of this long story are actually two of my mentees. Akutagawa and Atsushi. Akutagawa is from the PM, hot-headed, always killed before asking any questions, because he has always equated that with strength, and I failed to remove that from him during my years of mentoring him, and he's extremely attached to me and my approval. My current mentee in the ADA is Atsushi, and he sees that himself - he even says it to Akutagawa's face, that the reason why I don't want him is because he's a broken behavior record, and because of me, he hates Atsushi very much. Atsushi has made him promise they can have a fight to the death in six months, on the condition he doesn't kill anyone in the meantime. I've been watching from afar, and so far, there have been no casualties. Do we consider this a progress in his character, or a setback, when his motivation is still so murder-y?
[Sounds like Dazai is just a shitty mentor, but Scott doesn't say that, mostly because he personally hasn't felt that way. Dazai's the person that stopped him from calling himself a freak... not to mention other things. Helping him see the world in color, letting him cry against him. Wanting to help out in TWAT club.
...
Just fuck this. Scott tightly shuts his eyes behind his shades, trying his best not to start crying in front of him.]
Guess it depends if he actually kills Atsushi, doesn't it?
(he finally manages another drag from his cigarette, halfway burned with the ash hanging by a thread before he taps it off. dazai's spare hand moves to the boy's own, a quiet invitation for him to put down the glasses for now.)
I told you all this for a reason. All these people I've mentioned, myself included, have committed horrible things. What I've done, and what I'd do, it'll never go away, but life is gray. Right or wrong doesn't mean shit to me, it's always a matter of perspective. You've committed murder yourself, whether that was alright due to the circumstances or whether that is something you'll decide to work to repay is up to you, as it is to all of us. I've bought you here because you were clearly distressed. You're a good kid, and I care about your well-being, but there are things that are not black and white, and much like all these stories, it's not up to us to decide whether something is alright or not. It's up to you and your own feelings towards it. You can decide to hate me for being the youngest Executive in Mafia history -- that tells you much of what I've done, if that gives you a better picture. You can decide it's unforgivable, and I'm not allowed to be good to you or anyone else. Likewise, you can think the opposite. There's not a real way of deciding these things, and you're all that matters.
[For once, he doesn't remove his glasses, wanting to keep them on longer. It sort of helps to hide expression, something that he wants right now. At least Scott doesn't pull his hand away from Dazai's, letting it rest within his own.
His shoulders tense tightly when he mentions that he committed murder too, a question that he's been wanting answered, so guess he has that now. Scott's teeth clench, finding it harder to ignore the growing pain in his chest. He feels overwhelmed, and maybe parts of him still think that what's Dazai is done unforgiveable, no matter what. But he also doesn't want him to... stop helping people or supporting him when it feels like he doesn't have anyone else here sometimes.
Life really is stupidly complicated and shit, isn't it?]
I guess so. [He's quiet, still filled with confusing and conflicting thoughts, but he does want one thing straight.] So, you do believe that I murdered people.
That's the point. It doesn't matter what I think. What good would it do? I think what is more important than my opinion on that, is that I truly care for you and think of you the same regardless. Isn't that enough?
(this kid is by far the hardest challenge he has ever had. a recently traumatized one, who hasn't lived a life of horrors. a good one. so, his hand leaves, but not away from scott, but instead, into his hair in a gentle ruff.)
[Scott keeps that same quiet tone, looking at Dazai with a slightly desperate expression, even with the comforting hand on his head. If his parents or his brother was here... he's not sure what they'd think, maybe disown him? Maybe think his actions were justifiable? He can't ask, but he can of Dazai.]
You can still care about someone and think they should be in jail or something.
[A choked noise leaves Scott when Dazai gives his honest opinion, even though it's been something that he's wanted all this time. He didn't think it would be so painful to hear, however, and despite everything the mafioso's told him, he still can't focus on his earlier words of guidance. The world isn't black and white and everything can be placed in perspective, but to him, he still did something bad. He killed people that were just infected by something, people that could recover, people that could've been the Chosen.
Scott abruptly stands up from his chair, showing his intent to just escape and be somewhere else for a while.]
(this is precisely why he didn't think asking dazai himself would be ideal. people who were infected by something were still people who were attacking, people who at that moment, were not recovering. dazai is no stranger to walking by a sea of corpses and just seeing numbers, or much worse -- objects to envy.
at the same time, in his agenda there's a plan to harden scott a little. he won't survive in this place if he sees things as black and white. that authoritarian voice comes back, and he pats it again, calmly as he could be.)
Sit down, Scott. I didn't say it was a bad thing. Did you know I'm not a great fighter? What if you hadn't and I was injured? Then you'd feel bad that you hadn't.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cw suicide
(it's a little hard to explain, where does he begin? it's such a downer.)
I witnessed something, and I'm... Important to them, but the decision to join was mine. I've been suicidal since I can remember, I thought if I witnessed the worst of the worst, I'd find out why people keep pressing on. Turns out, I didn't find it. When he died, I switched sides, and I've been on the opposite side ever since.
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...I don't understand still. Why did you kill people?
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(after all, he looked. he tried, he squinted, he has done horrible things, and yet, nothing. nothing made him want to press on as people often do.
odasaku did, and then odasaku was taken from him by the place he helped thrive.)
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[Seeing the worst in people compels him to live?? Shouldn't that be the opposite? Maybe there's no point trying to understand Dazai's thought process, because he's always been hard to really get. Besides, there's still something else that is nagging him, a question that he doesn't want the answer to, but he can't stop the small whisper that comes out.]
...How badly did you hurt people? [Before Dazai gets the chance to answer, Scott turns his head up to look at him with an angry look, one that's trying to desperately hide the breakdown that he feels coming.]
How badly did you hurt others?! Just so that you didn't off yourself?!
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Scott, breathe. You're spiraling again, and it won't help either of us. Sit, breathe, or I'm leaving.
(authority is a new weight in his voice.)
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Stop telling me to calm down! [He bangs the table with a fist, ignoring the pain that shoots up his arm from that action. It doesn't really matter right now.]
Why should I just sit and act like everything's fine when you're telling me all this crap?!
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Y-You're really just gonna leave?
[His voice isn't cracking at the end, what are you talking about. He swallows past the lump in his throat and finds himself clinging to that anger still, ignoring any rationale or that he probably needs to calm down. Screw that.]
Fine, then go! [Even if he's the one that's in Dazai's room. Whatever.]
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I invited you to listen, and yet you are choosing to yell? I'd rather leave and let you come when you feel like listening. So, control that anger. Are you going to listen?
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[He feels like he's being talked down upon and it only serves to fuel the growing frustration that he has about this whole situation. H-he's not some stupid kid!! Scott almost lashes out once more, but the words remain lodged in his throat as he looks at Dazai and how he's about ready to leave, and he finds himself glaring down at the table instead.
He's still mad, but he doesn't say anything else, to either confirm or deny that he'll listen.]
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he lights it with grace, the drag he takes long and he allows the smoke to sit in his lungs for a moment before blowing it above his head.)
Before I was an Executive, I was on a mission to move counterfeit money, but I got shot a few times, and I thought that was it. Here, here, here... I think here-- oh, no, that one was someone else.
(he points on his stomach, his chest. his skin is marked by so much pain, no wonder he is covered from head to toe.)
A man found me, and he took me against my will - because, of course, I was happy I was finally going to kick it. He tied me up so I wouldn't run and he kept treating me, even while I was trying my best to make him so sick of me he'd kill me himself. I later found out that this man, so humble, so disgustingly good of a person, was a very dangerous killer - who decided to become a writer. Due to this, he decided never to kill again, because he couldn't write about people while being their suffering. The last thing he asked of me before he died in my arms was to become a good person and save others. With this background, the story I want to tell you is hardly my own. Will you listen?
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Although, he's not sure how that reflects upon him.
He eventually turns his gaze over to Dazai, quietly listening to what he has to say. Scott remembers about his closest person being murdered in front of him, so he figures this is the same guy, but he never figured that individual being kind of terrible as well. He's getting the picture that Dazai probably wants to do something similar, be a better person like his dead partner tried to be.
Does it absolve him for the shit he did in the past though? Scott clenches his hands on the top of his legs, but he manages to keep calm.]
...I'm listening.
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(he has a point. two people to go, and he'll get to the core of what he's attempting to teach the boy.)
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Y-Yeah, of course! I'm not an asshole! [Her circumstances were probably different and everything, right? She probably got forced into killing or something...]
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I... I don't fucking know. [He turns his face to stare almost grumpily at the door.] If Q enjoys hurting people, he sounds kind of awful, even if he is 13. It doesn't sound like Kyouka enjoyed any of the shit she did.
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My last piece of this long story are actually two of my mentees. Akutagawa and Atsushi. Akutagawa is from the PM, hot-headed, always killed before asking any questions, because he has always equated that with strength, and I failed to remove that from him during my years of mentoring him, and he's extremely attached to me and my approval. My current mentee in the ADA is Atsushi, and he sees that himself - he even says it to Akutagawa's face, that the reason why I don't want him is because he's a broken behavior record, and because of me, he hates Atsushi very much. Atsushi has made him promise they can have a fight to the death in six months, on the condition he doesn't kill anyone in the meantime. I've been watching from afar, and so far, there have been no casualties. Do we consider this a progress in his character, or a setback, when his motivation is still so murder-y?
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...
Just fuck this. Scott tightly shuts his eyes behind his shades, trying his best not to start crying in front of him.]
Guess it depends if he actually kills Atsushi, doesn't it?
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(he finally manages another drag from his cigarette, halfway burned with the ash hanging by a thread before he taps it off. dazai's spare hand moves to the boy's own, a quiet invitation for him to put down the glasses for now.)
I told you all this for a reason. All these people I've mentioned, myself included, have committed horrible things. What I've done, and what I'd do, it'll never go away, but life is gray. Right or wrong doesn't mean shit to me, it's always a matter of perspective. You've committed murder yourself, whether that was alright due to the circumstances or whether that is something you'll decide to work to repay is up to you, as it is to all of us. I've bought you here because you were clearly distressed. You're a good kid, and I care about your well-being, but there are things that are not black and white, and much like all these stories, it's not up to us to decide whether something is alright or not. It's up to you and your own feelings towards it. You can decide to hate me for being the youngest Executive in Mafia history -- that tells you much of what I've done, if that gives you a better picture. You can decide it's unforgivable, and I'm not allowed to be good to you or anyone else. Likewise, you can think the opposite. There's not a real way of deciding these things, and you're all that matters.
Have I answered your question now, kid?
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His shoulders tense tightly when he mentions that he committed murder too, a question that he's been wanting answered, so guess he has that now. Scott's teeth clench, finding it harder to ignore the growing pain in his chest. He feels overwhelmed, and maybe parts of him still think that what's Dazai is done unforgiveable, no matter what. But he also doesn't want him to... stop helping people or supporting him when it feels like he doesn't have anyone else here sometimes.
Life really is stupidly complicated and shit, isn't it?]
I guess so. [He's quiet, still filled with confusing and conflicting thoughts, but he does want one thing straight.] So, you do believe that I murdered people.
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(this kid is by far the hardest challenge he has ever had. a recently traumatized one, who hasn't lived a life of horrors. a good one. so, his hand leaves, but not away from scott, but instead, into his hair in a gentle ruff.)
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[Scott keeps that same quiet tone, looking at Dazai with a slightly desperate expression, even with the comforting hand on his head. If his parents or his brother was here... he's not sure what they'd think, maybe disown him? Maybe think his actions were justifiable? He can't ask, but he can of Dazai.]
You can still care about someone and think they should be in jail or something.
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(nope, most likely not. he sighs, knowing what is guiding this.)
It was, I think so. Even self-defense is murder in self-defense.
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Scott abruptly stands up from his chair, showing his intent to just escape and be somewhere else for a while.]
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at the same time, in his agenda there's a plan to harden scott a little. he won't survive in this place if he sees things as black and white. that authoritarian voice comes back, and he pats it again, calmly as he could be.)
Sit down, Scott. I didn't say it was a bad thing. Did you know I'm not a great fighter? What if you hadn't and I was injured? Then you'd feel bad that you hadn't.
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cw suicide ideation
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