Alright. So, Kyouka could be forgiven. Let's look into another case. The Port Mafia is structured into the Boss, the Executives, and then everyone else. The Boss was my mentor, and alongside with me, there was a child. Their name is Q. Their ability is the most fucked up thing I have ever seen - it's activated if someone harms Q in any way, and then they are mind controlled into seeing the worst hallucinations in full belief of it being reality. They have murdered several people in the Mafia, and they also manipulate ways for people to hurt them, even if it's simply a push, so they can activate it. Due to my ability, I'm not affected -- so I've put them in a dungeon, since they do enjoy the carnage. They're simply 13, too, but will act as a child, sweet, innocent. They don't see the sun, and they're solely alive because I'm the only one who's able to approach. Solely 13, though. Do they get a second chance? What makes them so different from Kyouka-chan?
[Man, just... what the hell? Why is he being asked all these stupid philosophical questions? Scott feels a flare of his original anger, but he shoves it down this time, because he also knows they aren't just... what if situations. It's shit Dazai deals with back home.]
I... I don't fucking know. [He turns his face to stare almost grumpily at the door.] If Q enjoys hurting people, he sounds kind of awful, even if he is 13. It doesn't sound like Kyouka enjoyed any of the shit she did.
(almost there. 'i don't fucking know' is a wonderful start to where he's getting at.)
My last piece of this long story are actually two of my mentees. Akutagawa and Atsushi. Akutagawa is from the PM, hot-headed, always killed before asking any questions, because he has always equated that with strength, and I failed to remove that from him during my years of mentoring him, and he's extremely attached to me and my approval. My current mentee in the ADA is Atsushi, and he sees that himself - he even says it to Akutagawa's face, that the reason why I don't want him is because he's a broken behavior record, and because of me, he hates Atsushi very much. Atsushi has made him promise they can have a fight to the death in six months, on the condition he doesn't kill anyone in the meantime. I've been watching from afar, and so far, there have been no casualties. Do we consider this a progress in his character, or a setback, when his motivation is still so murder-y?
[Sounds like Dazai is just a shitty mentor, but Scott doesn't say that, mostly because he personally hasn't felt that way. Dazai's the person that stopped him from calling himself a freak... not to mention other things. Helping him see the world in color, letting him cry against him. Wanting to help out in TWAT club.
...
Just fuck this. Scott tightly shuts his eyes behind his shades, trying his best not to start crying in front of him.]
Guess it depends if he actually kills Atsushi, doesn't it?
(he finally manages another drag from his cigarette, halfway burned with the ash hanging by a thread before he taps it off. dazai's spare hand moves to the boy's own, a quiet invitation for him to put down the glasses for now.)
I told you all this for a reason. All these people I've mentioned, myself included, have committed horrible things. What I've done, and what I'd do, it'll never go away, but life is gray. Right or wrong doesn't mean shit to me, it's always a matter of perspective. You've committed murder yourself, whether that was alright due to the circumstances or whether that is something you'll decide to work to repay is up to you, as it is to all of us. I've bought you here because you were clearly distressed. You're a good kid, and I care about your well-being, but there are things that are not black and white, and much like all these stories, it's not up to us to decide whether something is alright or not. It's up to you and your own feelings towards it. You can decide to hate me for being the youngest Executive in Mafia history -- that tells you much of what I've done, if that gives you a better picture. You can decide it's unforgivable, and I'm not allowed to be good to you or anyone else. Likewise, you can think the opposite. There's not a real way of deciding these things, and you're all that matters.
[For once, he doesn't remove his glasses, wanting to keep them on longer. It sort of helps to hide expression, something that he wants right now. At least Scott doesn't pull his hand away from Dazai's, letting it rest within his own.
His shoulders tense tightly when he mentions that he committed murder too, a question that he's been wanting answered, so guess he has that now. Scott's teeth clench, finding it harder to ignore the growing pain in his chest. He feels overwhelmed, and maybe parts of him still think that what's Dazai is done unforgiveable, no matter what. But he also doesn't want him to... stop helping people or supporting him when it feels like he doesn't have anyone else here sometimes.
Life really is stupidly complicated and shit, isn't it?]
I guess so. [He's quiet, still filled with confusing and conflicting thoughts, but he does want one thing straight.] So, you do believe that I murdered people.
That's the point. It doesn't matter what I think. What good would it do? I think what is more important than my opinion on that, is that I truly care for you and think of you the same regardless. Isn't that enough?
(this kid is by far the hardest challenge he has ever had. a recently traumatized one, who hasn't lived a life of horrors. a good one. so, his hand leaves, but not away from scott, but instead, into his hair in a gentle ruff.)
[Scott keeps that same quiet tone, looking at Dazai with a slightly desperate expression, even with the comforting hand on his head. If his parents or his brother was here... he's not sure what they'd think, maybe disown him? Maybe think his actions were justifiable? He can't ask, but he can of Dazai.]
You can still care about someone and think they should be in jail or something.
[A choked noise leaves Scott when Dazai gives his honest opinion, even though it's been something that he's wanted all this time. He didn't think it would be so painful to hear, however, and despite everything the mafioso's told him, he still can't focus on his earlier words of guidance. The world isn't black and white and everything can be placed in perspective, but to him, he still did something bad. He killed people that were just infected by something, people that could recover, people that could've been the Chosen.
Scott abruptly stands up from his chair, showing his intent to just escape and be somewhere else for a while.]
(this is precisely why he didn't think asking dazai himself would be ideal. people who were infected by something were still people who were attacking, people who at that moment, were not recovering. dazai is no stranger to walking by a sea of corpses and just seeing numbers, or much worse -- objects to envy.
at the same time, in his agenda there's a plan to harden scott a little. he won't survive in this place if he sees things as black and white. that authoritarian voice comes back, and he pats it again, calmly as he could be.)
Sit down, Scott. I didn't say it was a bad thing. Did you know I'm not a great fighter? What if you hadn't and I was injured? Then you'd feel bad that you hadn't.
[He doesn't sit back down, but he doesn't start walking towards the door, even though it's very much obvious that he wants to. Scott sucks in a shaky breath, as he does his best to say what he wants to say without cracking in the process.]
I-I know that you want to justify it, but you just told me that all that matters is how I feel about it. And how I feel-- [He swallows again, trying to gather himself.] I killed people. I could've just shot their legs or the ground in front of them, but I didn't. And now they won't come back.
[Maybe the responsible thing is to never take his glasses off, find a way to fight without his optic blasts. He can be like those super cool martial artists or something and know how to defend himself without killing anyone.
But. What can he do against a giant monster? Punching it would solve nothing and he's back to square one. As Dazai pointed out, he can probably still do good with them, just like how he helped Alphen and everything. Scott rubs his arm, with his gaze slowly turning to the ground once more.]
I'm not like you and your colleagues. [He can't just brush away murder so easily. Maybe it's worrying that Dazai can so easily, but what can Scott do about it other than never talk to him again? He doesn't want that.]
Naturally so. I couldn't care less that you've murdered someone, especially in a time like that. None of mine would, either. That said, if you don't learn how to keep your emotions in check and move on from moments like these, they'll add up, and you won't be able to move on. Accept it, take it as you must, work on it, try again next time. It's what I do, and it's all you can do. You're free to go if you wish, by the way. I've said what I needed to say, now it's up to you whether you take it or not.
(false illusion of choice, truly. dazai knows how that age works, and scott clearly cares for what dazai thinks, what he has to say. not unlike akutagawa, seeking the approval of a senior, even if for the mafioso, the levels of complexity triple.
he knows the words will seer once scott has time to process who he truly is, what the boy himself has done.)
[Where's Alex? Maybe if he was here, he wouldn't be in a situation like this, where he had to find support and life lessons from a mafia boss. If he can shove his world view into those simple terms, it should be easy to just leave and truly forget about him, but he still can't. He doesn't want to, because Alex and Xavier and none of those people are here. Scott simply can't forget how Dazai's been there for him because of his stupid emotions and shit. Even now, he is, even if it's sort of fucked up.
Maybe Alex wouldn't even want to talk with him anyway, knowing what he did.
But eventually Scott speaks again, just as quietly as before.]
I know. I like to think I'm at least good person-adjacent these last few years, though. Would you give me at least that? I have been working really hard.
(most of what dazai says or does has a few ulterior motives behind it. the latter is no exception - it's modelling. dazai can't expect scott to try and work on his shit after all this, if he doesn't show that he, too, is doing so. a little nugget of 'i'm doing it, so you can do it too'.)
[Guess he's better than just a murdering asshole, but does it really matter what he thinks? Of course, Dazai does care about his well-being in his own fucked up way, he doesn't second guess that, but right now, he just... can't deal with anymore shit. The teen's shoulders sag and he still doesn't know if he wants to cry or punch a wall somewhere, but he knows that he doesn't want to be here.
So, while keeping his gaze mostly rooted to the floor, Scott starts to make his way out of the mafioso's room.]
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I... I don't fucking know. [He turns his face to stare almost grumpily at the door.] If Q enjoys hurting people, he sounds kind of awful, even if he is 13. It doesn't sound like Kyouka enjoyed any of the shit she did.
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My last piece of this long story are actually two of my mentees. Akutagawa and Atsushi. Akutagawa is from the PM, hot-headed, always killed before asking any questions, because he has always equated that with strength, and I failed to remove that from him during my years of mentoring him, and he's extremely attached to me and my approval. My current mentee in the ADA is Atsushi, and he sees that himself - he even says it to Akutagawa's face, that the reason why I don't want him is because he's a broken behavior record, and because of me, he hates Atsushi very much. Atsushi has made him promise they can have a fight to the death in six months, on the condition he doesn't kill anyone in the meantime. I've been watching from afar, and so far, there have been no casualties. Do we consider this a progress in his character, or a setback, when his motivation is still so murder-y?
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...
Just fuck this. Scott tightly shuts his eyes behind his shades, trying his best not to start crying in front of him.]
Guess it depends if he actually kills Atsushi, doesn't it?
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(he finally manages another drag from his cigarette, halfway burned with the ash hanging by a thread before he taps it off. dazai's spare hand moves to the boy's own, a quiet invitation for him to put down the glasses for now.)
I told you all this for a reason. All these people I've mentioned, myself included, have committed horrible things. What I've done, and what I'd do, it'll never go away, but life is gray. Right or wrong doesn't mean shit to me, it's always a matter of perspective. You've committed murder yourself, whether that was alright due to the circumstances or whether that is something you'll decide to work to repay is up to you, as it is to all of us. I've bought you here because you were clearly distressed. You're a good kid, and I care about your well-being, but there are things that are not black and white, and much like all these stories, it's not up to us to decide whether something is alright or not. It's up to you and your own feelings towards it. You can decide to hate me for being the youngest Executive in Mafia history -- that tells you much of what I've done, if that gives you a better picture. You can decide it's unforgivable, and I'm not allowed to be good to you or anyone else. Likewise, you can think the opposite. There's not a real way of deciding these things, and you're all that matters.
Have I answered your question now, kid?
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His shoulders tense tightly when he mentions that he committed murder too, a question that he's been wanting answered, so guess he has that now. Scott's teeth clench, finding it harder to ignore the growing pain in his chest. He feels overwhelmed, and maybe parts of him still think that what's Dazai is done unforgiveable, no matter what. But he also doesn't want him to... stop helping people or supporting him when it feels like he doesn't have anyone else here sometimes.
Life really is stupidly complicated and shit, isn't it?]
I guess so. [He's quiet, still filled with confusing and conflicting thoughts, but he does want one thing straight.] So, you do believe that I murdered people.
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(this kid is by far the hardest challenge he has ever had. a recently traumatized one, who hasn't lived a life of horrors. a good one. so, his hand leaves, but not away from scott, but instead, into his hair in a gentle ruff.)
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[Scott keeps that same quiet tone, looking at Dazai with a slightly desperate expression, even with the comforting hand on his head. If his parents or his brother was here... he's not sure what they'd think, maybe disown him? Maybe think his actions were justifiable? He can't ask, but he can of Dazai.]
You can still care about someone and think they should be in jail or something.
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(nope, most likely not. he sighs, knowing what is guiding this.)
It was, I think so. Even self-defense is murder in self-defense.
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Scott abruptly stands up from his chair, showing his intent to just escape and be somewhere else for a while.]
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at the same time, in his agenda there's a plan to harden scott a little. he won't survive in this place if he sees things as black and white. that authoritarian voice comes back, and he pats it again, calmly as he could be.)
Sit down, Scott. I didn't say it was a bad thing. Did you know I'm not a great fighter? What if you hadn't and I was injured? Then you'd feel bad that you hadn't.
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I-I know that you want to justify it, but you just told me that all that matters is how I feel about it. And how I feel-- [He swallows again, trying to gather himself.] I killed people. I could've just shot their legs or the ground in front of them, but I didn't. And now they won't come back.
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(that's another point. like kyouka. like himself, who doesn't care that he has, and who would again, over, and over, if it was needed.)
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[Maybe the responsible thing is to never take his glasses off, find a way to fight without his optic blasts. He can be like those super cool martial artists or something and know how to defend himself without killing anyone.
But. What can he do against a giant monster? Punching it would solve nothing and he's back to square one. As Dazai pointed out, he can probably still do good with them, just like how he helped Alphen and everything. Scott rubs his arm, with his gaze slowly turning to the ground once more.]
I'm not like you and your colleagues. [He can't just brush away murder so easily. Maybe it's worrying that Dazai can so easily, but what can Scott do about it other than never talk to him again? He doesn't want that.]
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(false illusion of choice, truly. dazai knows how that age works, and scott clearly cares for what dazai thinks, what he has to say. not unlike akutagawa, seeking the approval of a senior, even if for the mafioso, the levels of complexity triple.
he knows the words will seer once scott has time to process who he truly is, what the boy himself has done.)
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You're an awful person, Dazai.
[Where's Alex? Maybe if he was here, he wouldn't be in a situation like this, where he had to find support and life lessons from a mafia boss. If he can shove his world view into those simple terms, it should be easy to just leave and truly forget about him, but he still can't. He doesn't want to, because Alex and Xavier and none of those people are here. Scott simply can't forget how Dazai's been there for him because of his stupid emotions and shit. Even now, he is, even if it's sort of fucked up.
Maybe Alex wouldn't even want to talk with him anyway, knowing what he did.
But eventually Scott speaks again, just as quietly as before.]
I'll work on my shit.
cw suicide ideation
(most of what dazai says or does has a few ulterior motives behind it. the latter is no exception - it's modelling. dazai can't expect scott to try and work on his shit after all this, if he doesn't show that he, too, is doing so. a little nugget of 'i'm doing it, so you can do it too'.)
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[Guess he's better than just a murdering asshole, but does it really matter what he thinks? Of course, Dazai does care about his well-being in his own fucked up way, he doesn't second guess that, but right now, he just... can't deal with anymore shit. The teen's shoulders sag and he still doesn't know if he wants to cry or punch a wall somewhere, but he knows that he doesn't want to be here.
So, while keeping his gaze mostly rooted to the floor, Scott starts to make his way out of the mafioso's room.]