[A choked noise leaves Scott when Dazai gives his honest opinion, even though it's been something that he's wanted all this time. He didn't think it would be so painful to hear, however, and despite everything the mafioso's told him, he still can't focus on his earlier words of guidance. The world isn't black and white and everything can be placed in perspective, but to him, he still did something bad. He killed people that were just infected by something, people that could recover, people that could've been the Chosen.
Scott abruptly stands up from his chair, showing his intent to just escape and be somewhere else for a while.]
(this is precisely why he didn't think asking dazai himself would be ideal. people who were infected by something were still people who were attacking, people who at that moment, were not recovering. dazai is no stranger to walking by a sea of corpses and just seeing numbers, or much worse -- objects to envy.
at the same time, in his agenda there's a plan to harden scott a little. he won't survive in this place if he sees things as black and white. that authoritarian voice comes back, and he pats it again, calmly as he could be.)
Sit down, Scott. I didn't say it was a bad thing. Did you know I'm not a great fighter? What if you hadn't and I was injured? Then you'd feel bad that you hadn't.
[He doesn't sit back down, but he doesn't start walking towards the door, even though it's very much obvious that he wants to. Scott sucks in a shaky breath, as he does his best to say what he wants to say without cracking in the process.]
I-I know that you want to justify it, but you just told me that all that matters is how I feel about it. And how I feel-- [He swallows again, trying to gather himself.] I killed people. I could've just shot their legs or the ground in front of them, but I didn't. And now they won't come back.
[Maybe the responsible thing is to never take his glasses off, find a way to fight without his optic blasts. He can be like those super cool martial artists or something and know how to defend himself without killing anyone.
But. What can he do against a giant monster? Punching it would solve nothing and he's back to square one. As Dazai pointed out, he can probably still do good with them, just like how he helped Alphen and everything. Scott rubs his arm, with his gaze slowly turning to the ground once more.]
I'm not like you and your colleagues. [He can't just brush away murder so easily. Maybe it's worrying that Dazai can so easily, but what can Scott do about it other than never talk to him again? He doesn't want that.]
Naturally so. I couldn't care less that you've murdered someone, especially in a time like that. None of mine would, either. That said, if you don't learn how to keep your emotions in check and move on from moments like these, they'll add up, and you won't be able to move on. Accept it, take it as you must, work on it, try again next time. It's what I do, and it's all you can do. You're free to go if you wish, by the way. I've said what I needed to say, now it's up to you whether you take it or not.
(false illusion of choice, truly. dazai knows how that age works, and scott clearly cares for what dazai thinks, what he has to say. not unlike akutagawa, seeking the approval of a senior, even if for the mafioso, the levels of complexity triple.
he knows the words will seer once scott has time to process who he truly is, what the boy himself has done.)
[Where's Alex? Maybe if he was here, he wouldn't be in a situation like this, where he had to find support and life lessons from a mafia boss. If he can shove his world view into those simple terms, it should be easy to just leave and truly forget about him, but he still can't. He doesn't want to, because Alex and Xavier and none of those people are here. Scott simply can't forget how Dazai's been there for him because of his stupid emotions and shit. Even now, he is, even if it's sort of fucked up.
Maybe Alex wouldn't even want to talk with him anyway, knowing what he did.
But eventually Scott speaks again, just as quietly as before.]
I know. I like to think I'm at least good person-adjacent these last few years, though. Would you give me at least that? I have been working really hard.
(most of what dazai says or does has a few ulterior motives behind it. the latter is no exception - it's modelling. dazai can't expect scott to try and work on his shit after all this, if he doesn't show that he, too, is doing so. a little nugget of 'i'm doing it, so you can do it too'.)
[Guess he's better than just a murdering asshole, but does it really matter what he thinks? Of course, Dazai does care about his well-being in his own fucked up way, he doesn't second guess that, but right now, he just... can't deal with anymore shit. The teen's shoulders sag and he still doesn't know if he wants to cry or punch a wall somewhere, but he knows that he doesn't want to be here.
So, while keeping his gaze mostly rooted to the floor, Scott starts to make his way out of the mafioso's room.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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(nope, most likely not. he sighs, knowing what is guiding this.)
It was, I think so. Even self-defense is murder in self-defense.
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Scott abruptly stands up from his chair, showing his intent to just escape and be somewhere else for a while.]
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at the same time, in his agenda there's a plan to harden scott a little. he won't survive in this place if he sees things as black and white. that authoritarian voice comes back, and he pats it again, calmly as he could be.)
Sit down, Scott. I didn't say it was a bad thing. Did you know I'm not a great fighter? What if you hadn't and I was injured? Then you'd feel bad that you hadn't.
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I-I know that you want to justify it, but you just told me that all that matters is how I feel about it. And how I feel-- [He swallows again, trying to gather himself.] I killed people. I could've just shot their legs or the ground in front of them, but I didn't. And now they won't come back.
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(that's another point. like kyouka. like himself, who doesn't care that he has, and who would again, over, and over, if it was needed.)
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[Maybe the responsible thing is to never take his glasses off, find a way to fight without his optic blasts. He can be like those super cool martial artists or something and know how to defend himself without killing anyone.
But. What can he do against a giant monster? Punching it would solve nothing and he's back to square one. As Dazai pointed out, he can probably still do good with them, just like how he helped Alphen and everything. Scott rubs his arm, with his gaze slowly turning to the ground once more.]
I'm not like you and your colleagues. [He can't just brush away murder so easily. Maybe it's worrying that Dazai can so easily, but what can Scott do about it other than never talk to him again? He doesn't want that.]
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(false illusion of choice, truly. dazai knows how that age works, and scott clearly cares for what dazai thinks, what he has to say. not unlike akutagawa, seeking the approval of a senior, even if for the mafioso, the levels of complexity triple.
he knows the words will seer once scott has time to process who he truly is, what the boy himself has done.)
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You're an awful person, Dazai.
[Where's Alex? Maybe if he was here, he wouldn't be in a situation like this, where he had to find support and life lessons from a mafia boss. If he can shove his world view into those simple terms, it should be easy to just leave and truly forget about him, but he still can't. He doesn't want to, because Alex and Xavier and none of those people are here. Scott simply can't forget how Dazai's been there for him because of his stupid emotions and shit. Even now, he is, even if it's sort of fucked up.
Maybe Alex wouldn't even want to talk with him anyway, knowing what he did.
But eventually Scott speaks again, just as quietly as before.]
I'll work on my shit.
cw suicide ideation
(most of what dazai says or does has a few ulterior motives behind it. the latter is no exception - it's modelling. dazai can't expect scott to try and work on his shit after all this, if he doesn't show that he, too, is doing so. a little nugget of 'i'm doing it, so you can do it too'.)
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[Guess he's better than just a murdering asshole, but does it really matter what he thinks? Of course, Dazai does care about his well-being in his own fucked up way, he doesn't second guess that, but right now, he just... can't deal with anymore shit. The teen's shoulders sag and he still doesn't know if he wants to cry or punch a wall somewhere, but he knows that he doesn't want to be here.
So, while keeping his gaze mostly rooted to the floor, Scott starts to make his way out of the mafioso's room.]