[He really hasn't been eating. Or sleeping. Or doing much of anything.
When he's back to 'normal,' there's going to be a lot of people that he needs to thank. Ange, Kurt, Yu, just... everyone that's been supporting him. Right now, however, he's still in that cycle of despair. He can't help but think over and over about that day, when he not only lost the person he loves the most right in front of him, but also killed his friend in the most vicious of ways. How much he-- Phoenix enjoyed it and. No.
He doesn't want to think about it anymore, but it's impossible. Is he supposed to talk about it? He doesn't know how to talk about it with anyone. He doesn't even know if he can talk to Kotone about it. To work through everything that happened, the glitching, the shifting into a Scott that wasn't him, then transforming into something that wasn't him or that Scott at all. It barely makes sense in his own mind. He feels lost.
The mutant tries once again to squeeze his eyes shut, maybe drown out the world around him. He has to work on this somehow, right? He knows he can't lie here forever. It's not what she would've wanted. Scott knows this. It's just so much happened and he's struggling to deal with it alone. Maybe he can talk to someone eventually. Especially if she doesn't come back. If she's...
...She's calling out his name?
Scott immediately sits up from the couch, his appearance ragged, hair uncombed and he's probably in the most basic of sleepwear himself. It's clear that he hasn't been faring well since her passing.]
Kotone...?
[There's a crack in his voice, something visceral and strained in him as he looks at her from his position on the couch. Is she actually in front of him? Not just another dream when she's standing nearby and the next moment she's gone, or bleeding out in his arms once more. He doesn't know, he's not sure if he's even breathing, afraid to move or even blink, because maybe she'll be gone again.
...
It's sad, that in his grief, he really hasn't fully prepared for the moment if when she'd come back. He wanted to be happy, show how okay he is, but it's only been two days since her passing. How could anyone expect him to just move on after that amount of time? Maybe he fully understands how that other Scott felt, the one that was mourning Jean. But he doesn't think about that for long, because Kotone is the only one he's focused on, emotions surging in his chest that result in another cracked whisper of her name.]
[Her breath catches in her throat, her heart pounding rapidly in her chest, when she sees him there on the couch -- him, her Scott. He looks up at her, he says her name, and something bursts inside her like a pressure valve being released. She doesn't remember how she got over to the couch -- she must have run, right? Or maybe she teleported somehow, barely feeling her feet beneath her, hitting her shin against the coffee table in her rush to wrap her arms around him and bury her face in his neck.
There's nothing she can say at first, just holding him tight and gasping for breath against the heavy weight in her chest, the wave of emotion almost sucking her under and making it hard to really breathe. He's here. They're both still here, and he's -- well, a little rough-looking, but he's not physically hurt. Physically, he's okay, and while she has no way of knowing if he'd died, too, and had only just woken up like she had, at least he's here now.
He's so warm. She'd felt so cold in those last few seconds before waking up in that bed alone, but Scott's so warm and solid beneath her, a tangible presence she can hold and wrap herself in and feel like everything's normal and complete. She'll ask about the Gnosia, she'll ask about Ryoji, but right now, call her selfish, she wants to just lose herself in Scott's arms for a few minutes.]
...
[What can she say? She doesn't trust herself to speak and instead just keeps her nose tucked in against his neck, arms trying to find purchase against him in the hopes that he'll hold her tight like he always has. He said he'd carry her, right? And that's all she wants right now. Just for a few minutes, she wants this to be enough.]
Those thoughts alone springs unbidden tears to his eyes, his arms wrapping tightly around her in a hold that fully expresses that he doesn't want to let go. Why would he? She's hugging him back, she's in his arms and just full of life. She's the complete opposite of how she was when she was bleeding out with that hole in her chest. He wants to scrub that memory away forever, honestly, but right now, he'll just be grateful that she's back at all. He can fully embrace this.
She really has returned. He hoped this entire time, but he couldn't fully trust in it either. Somewhere, he knows it's only been two days or so since she died, but it didn't feel like it. Honestly, time stopped becoming a thing for him.
Scott understands that she didn't return just for him or anything, but right now, he likes to think that it's just the two of them again. Like how they were at the beach, just off in their own world without anyone or anything touching them. That feeling really has only deepened since her passing, like this is how things should be. This is how he'd like to be. For the first time since he was taken over by those glitches-- by Phoenix, he feels like he can be normal again. Deep down, he knows that it will be fully impossible, but he actually feels like he's okay. Or will be okay.
He knows that he'll eventually have to tell her what happened, but Scott selfishly pushes that thought away. He can have this moment right now with her, right? What's wrong with that?? Kotone obviously needs it too and he said that he'll be her strength, even if he feels fragile himself. After all, even though he witnessed her death, she's the one that actually had to experience it. She's said before that she's not afraid of dying, but... it still must've hurt and everything. He wants to be here for her and she can just be with him, not worrying about anyone else.
Honestly, it would take a lot for Scott to pull away from Kotone right now. His arms tighten even further around her, one hand cupping the back of her head as she continues to bury her face against his neck.]
I...
[He missed her. He thought he lost her forever already. He...]
I love you. [Maybe that's the best thing to say for now as they soak in each other's warmth once more.]
[It's so different from the first time she'd woken up in Aldrip. She'd closed her eyes on the roof and fallen through that weird white space that seems more like dream than reality at this point. She'd been all alone and had to rebuild a network of friends she could trust, a task that had seemed insurmountable at the time. When she'd woken up this time, she'd be lying if she said she hadn't been afraid of starting over again, of being trapped in a doomed loop year after year. It makes her breath shudder as she takes in Scott's voice, the gentle affirmation scrunching up her face as an unfamiliar wetness gathers in the corners.
She's not afraid of dying. She's afraid of living without Scott. It hits her like a lightning bolt and makes her gasp as her grip tightens around him, her eyes squeezing tightly shut in an effort to keep her own emotions in check. It's already really hard for him, isn't it? She doesn't want to make it harder. Even if he said he wants her to rely on him, so much that he'd carry her if she needed... she wants to be that person for him, too.]
You're okay?
[Her voice is watery and weak, but she manages in spite of it. Her fingertips clutch his back as she crawls all the closer in against him, as if every inch of her skin could be pressed against his, as if she could lose herself completely within his arms.]
[The waver in Kotone's voice only gets Scott to fully enclose her in his arms, his fingers lightly stroking through the strands of her hair. Of course she's still affected by what happened and a small part of him is strangely relieved by that. She's not immune to dying and everything that happened, even though his heart painfully clenches knowing that she's feeling like this too. He doesn't want her to smile and shrug and say that everything is fine, but he doesn't want Kotone to suffer either. His feelings are just stupid sometimes.
At the very least, he'll be here for her. That he knows without any doubt. In fact, he doesn't think he can be anywhere without her for a while. Scott just wants to wake up, see her next to him, spend the day with her, and go to bed with her. He wants to do those things every day until they fully disappear.]
I'm okay. [...] Are you okay?
[His voice is shaky, equally as watery as hers, but both of them probably already know that the other is lying if they say that they're 'okay.' It's not a complete lie anyway; he's at least better now with her in his arms. Maybe that progression to being fine has started, the clogged feeling in his chest has definitely loosened. It feels like he may actually sleep (just ignore how he doesn't want to be apart from her now).
Adjusting them on the couch, Scott encourages her to lie fully on top of him, as if hoping to establish as much contact as possible.]
[She moves easily with him, slipping a leg between his and keeping her face buried against his neck for just a little longer to really take it all in. It had been so quick -- one moment, they'd been facing Ryoji together, the next, an instant of half-remembered pain, and then she'd woken up in bed. It really shouldn't affect her this much, right? It should all be okay. She should be okay.
So why doesn't she want to lie to Scott and say that she is? He'd know she's lying if she even tried, she's certain of that, so maybe it's just not worth the effort; maybe she just doesn't want to pretend with him, even if it's better for him.
Taking another deep breath against his neck, she doesn't answer his question, instead venturing a quiet question of her own.] How long was I...?
[Dead, she doesn't say, more for Scott's sake than her own. It had been over in the blink of an eye for her, but she has no idea how much time has passed for Scott. Checking her phone or looking at a calendar hadn't even occurred to her in the rush to find her boyfriend, and it certainly won't occur to her now when she can just ask.]
[As they fully settle on the couch, he keeps one arm wrapped around her waist while the other still remains warm against the back of her head. He's fine remaining this for hours, honestly, for as long as Kotone wants this. Definitely for as long as they both want this. Need this. Another shuddering breath leaves Scott, that singular noise filled with emotion and all because of her.
He's never loved someone like this before; he doesn't think he ever will (maybe that one Scott who lost Jean would understand). It's impossible to imagine. It's partly why he can never fully understand Mikey or Yu when they date multiple people at once. It's cool that it works for them, but.]
Two days.
[Just two days, but it didn't feel like it.
He spent most of that time wondering if she'd ever come back, staring at his ceiling with a dull emptiness that he's never felt before. He's not sure if that feeling or the excruciating guilt and grief was worse. Feeling something rather than feeling nothing... Scott can't give an answer to that. He's not sure if he should tell Kotone how badly affected he was about the whole thing, is it too much? Would she be disappointed? He'll definitely save it for the time being.]
[That doesn't sound like a long time. It hadn't been that short for Yosuke, had it...? For a moment, she's regretting not finding out about more people who've experienced death here -- but maybe instead it's better to focus on the fact that they're alive right now, together.
But in spite of it all, she brightens a little, leaning up on her elbow to try to meet his eyes as if to make sure that he means it, that the infection is really gone. There's no reason why he would lie about something like this, so-! She musters up a tiny smile as she leans up just enough to press her lips to his jaw.]
I knew you could do it. [Not that she knows how much of a direct hand Scott had in any of it, but knowing him... he definitely made it a lot better for everyone. She's certain of that much. Her smile fades a little as she adds more quietly,] Sorry for leaving you alone. I didn't want to.
Except he didn't. He didn't help anyone after she died. It was the exact opposite and it's impossible now to stop those images from surging to the forefront of his mind, memories of Ryoji burning in his grasp and that terrible force inside him. Scott stills completely beneath her, like he's unable to breathe. He feels like he can't, maybe he's suffocating in the same way as his friend, except there's nothing really stopping him from drawing breath other than the fact that he's going to disappoint Kotone. He's already disappointed her the moment he killed Ryoji rather than heal him.
And it's more than just that, because he brutally murdered someone that is a friend to him. Someone that loves people, loves Kotone, and would never hurt anyone if he could help it. He's not a villain, not normally. It was just the infection and...
Scott can't stop himself from shaking as those memories continue to replay in his mind, drawn back to that day and for once, he's not paying much attention to the girl on top of him.]
[She'd gotten pretty good at sensing when she'd said the wrong thing back in Iwatodai, but it doesn't take a genius to recognize that something she'd said had struck some kind of chord. Immediately, she draws back with concern etched into her features, one hand gently cupping his cheek to force him to look at her. If he closes his eyes behind his glasses, well, there's nothing she can do about that, but-]
Scott?
[Her voice is soft, but clearly lined with the same concern that's on her face. Did something happen...? It's only been two days, but with everything that had happened during the Gnosia infection, "two days" is an awfully long time. Is everything hitting him all at once? Is he feeling guilty for not saving her? She can't possibly know, so she doesn't try to guess; she just keeps her hand against his cheek, her eyes searching his face for any hint as to what he's thinking about.
Not being able to guess doesn't stop a mounting dread from filling her heart and creeping into her throat, though. What had happened while she was gone? How had the infection been cured? ]
[He knows that he can't hide from her for long. A part of him doesn't want to, as he's been keeping almost everything in the past two days, unable to fully talk about it with anyone despite how worried they've been. With Kotone, it's always been easier to tell her everything, not just because of the promise they made, but because she's always supported him. She always seemed to know what to say to make him feel better. However, there's still that mounting dread in his chest, because this time is different. This time, he actually hurt someone that's important to her.
Would she still be accepting??
Scott wouldn't blame Kotone if she was disappointed and upset with him because who wouldn't be? But it doesn't make it any easier to think about. So he shudders when she gently cups his face in her hand, both appreciating the touch and dreading what he's about to tell her. The truth is going to come out at some point and it's best if she hears about it from him. He knows that. He just wants her warmth on his face for just a bit longer.]
Kotone... I...
[His voice is quiet and there's something fractured in the way he says her name as he looks up at her. Closing his eyes would be easier, but he doesn't want to look away from her still. Even like this, with Scott expecting that concern to shift into hurt, he wants to see her. He's not sure how many times he's cried in the past couple of days, but the mutant once again feels the familiar sensation of tears rolling down his cheeks, no longer hidden by his glasses. He knew this moment was coming, but it's still hard.
Hard to admit that he killed a friend.]
I'm... sorry. I... [Words still aren't coming forth, remaining lodged in his throat as he starts crying instead. Half-choked sounds and sobs break free, vision blurry as he turns his head to face away from her.]
[She shifts atop him, sitting up enough to bring both hands up to collect his tears with her thumbs as if she might be able to wipe them away and soothe whatever's haunting him. It doesn't do anything to ease the ache in the center of her chest, a choking fear rising in her throat because she doesn't know. There's so much she doesn't know right now, and she doesn't even know how to ask when he's crying like this.
So she just keeps holding him, keeps gently running her hands over his face. She doesn't stop him from turning his head, doesn't make him face her, but he has to know she won't leave. Not if there's anything she can do.]
It's okay. You can talk when you're ready, okay?
[As much as she desperately wants to ask what's wrong, she can't do that to him. That's never really been her thing, anyway. People come to talk to her when they're ready. She just has to be there for them, to be strong when they're not feeling it themselves.
One hand moves up a little higher and strokes through his hair, mindful as always not to bump his glasses. In a way, it's easier to focus on him than it is to dwell on her own experiences, but it's far from the happy reunion she'd imagined when he recognized her.]
[He really wanted to just hold her and reassure her of everything. If everything didn't turn sideways after she died, he could've. He would be lying on the couch with her right now, just like this, but he'd be just crying out of relief that she came back to him. Instead, there's something worse, and now he can't tell Kotone that he saved Ryoji or that he was a good person that helped him. He wasn't able to do the thing she wanted him to do-- what they both wanted to do.
He failed her, failed something important. She counted on him.
Loud, wracking sobs continue to leave Scott as more emotions continue to compound on him. A part of him feels pathetic, because he's beneath her and crying when she was the one that died, but he can't stop those tears or his loud cries still. It's not like he hasn't cried like this the past couple of days, but it hasn't been enough. Everything's been hurting still and he's not sure if things will ever go back to normal. And he just wants to be normal for her again.]
Y-You'll stay here. Right...? [He half asks, half begs, looking back at her, his hands now on hers as if to keep her holding him.]
[Not even a second of hesitation, she almost cuts him off with how quickly she wants to reassure him. Her lips curve into a smile she hopes is reassuring, even as her heart pounds frantically in her chest. Why won't he just tell her...? Something bad must have happened. Did something happen to Ryoji after Scott had saved him? Or had something happened to Shinjiro or any of Kotone's other friends? Come to think of it, she hadn't heard from Shinji at all since all this started happening, so maybe...
No. Don't dwell on what-ifs. She forces herself to take a deep, stabilizing breath and leans down, pressing her lips just below his glasses as if she could somehow kiss his tears away. Whatever's bothering him is way more important than whatever her own worries are. He'll tell her when he's ready, if he ever is.]
No matter what, [she adds softly, drawing back only just enough that he can look at her if he wants. No matter what happens, she wants to be with him. She doesn't want to live without him anymore.]
[Staring up at her reassuring gaze through blurry vision helps him ask--]
P-Promise...?
[Which may be completely unfair to do to her, especially since she doesn't know anything about what happened. But Scott isn't thinking about that, selfishly just wanting Kotone to still be with him no matter what. He wants her acceptance and her love, despite what happened. If push comes to shove, he'd let her go, if she really wanted to leave, but right now, he just wants to hear her promise that.
It helps a little knowing that she promised to stay with him even after he told her about the Phoenix in another timeline. The Scott Summers that killed Charles Xavier. He just... just didn't think it would happen like this. He tangles one hand into hers, gripping it and bringing it to his chest in a way that feels almost grounding. Thinking about how he kept on glitching to other Scotts, he feels anxious about it happening now of all times.]
[Again, her voice doesn't waver. It's an easy promise to make, after all, and the way Scott's asking makes her answer obvious.]
I promise.
[She'd already made that promise before, and for her, nothing had changed since then. It would be wrong to say Scott's the only reason she's still alive right now, but sometimes it does feel like the most important thing to her continued existence. Again, she can't help but think about that moment of pitched terror when she'd realized she might have to keep on living without him. Closing her eyes, she leans down and seeks his lips with her own for a gentle, heartfelt kiss, her thumbs wiping once again at his tears as if somehow that gesture could ease his suffering and make it, if not better, then bearable.]
Even if her face will turn to disappointment soon, she promised she won't leave him. She'll still stay warm and alive above him and maybe that's more than what he should even ask for. It doesn't stop him from returning her kiss though, lips meeting hers that's familiar, but just a note more clingy. Tears continue to pass down his cheeks as his heart beats harder and faster, that stress battling his will to tell her what happened. She deserves to know.]
I...
[Tell her, Summers. Tell her now. He can feel his heart beat in his ears and--]
I didn't save Ryoji.
[And that's just the partial truth.
The full horridness of what actually happened is still hidden from her and he's going to tell her. He will. Just maybe for both of their sakes, he's only slowly admitting this. Scott's hand tightens in hers, not sure if it's for support, if it's so that she doesn't pull away, or just a little bit of both. He knows that she's going to take it hard, hearing that Ryoji died as well. They... they've always been important to each other.]
[For a moment, it feels like her heart stops. Her eyes widen and her lips part, but it feels like her tongue is glued to her mouth and her throat is sticking shut. He didn't save Ryoji...? The whole reason they'd gone there, the whole reason she'd died was so there'd be a chance to save her friend. Ryoji's already been through far too much, and she couldn't even imagine the suffering he'd be feeling in the aftermath of the infection. There's a bit of guilt, too, that she'd immediately rushed into Scott's arms upon waking up and hadn't asked about Ryoji first, but- well, she's hearing now, as much as she wishes she weren't.
Several long, tense seconds pass, her fingertips squeezing his face as she wrestles with her own voice, before finally managing a quiet,] What happened...?
[She's surprised. Of course she is, because she still believes in him. She doesn't know yet.
He wonders if she'll ever fully trust him again in this sort of situation and it pains him to think about. They've been working as a team for a while now and it's been something so encouraging and fulfilling. Maybe she won't leave, but she can still react in other ways that will hurt. It's making this all the more difficult and something sharp and jagged moves through his chest as that anxiety returns. He wants things to be normal between them, like nothing happened, even if it's incredibly selfish. She's always holding herself back for others and he doesn't want her to start doing it for him too.
He'll just watch her, even if something changes between them.]
...I.
[He's a murderer. Does it matter if it was Phoenix?? Ryoji still died. He was still the catalyst for that cosmic force to appear. Scott's not even sure whose to fully blame anyway. Him, Phoenix, the other Scott-- it's like what happened in the desert, right?]
I killed him. [Scott finally answers, nearly whispers. His admission's quiet, but is so definite in the silent air around them.]
[The fingers that had been gripping his face so tightly suddenly slacken, her eyes widening in obvious distress before her expression shutters into blank neutrality. It's the expression she makes when she doesn't know what expression to make. She can't breathe, and there's a part of her, not a small part, that wants to run out and find Ryoji, to see if he's woken up like she has. If he died when she did, then maybe he's out there somewhere, lost and confused. Or still infected and still not himself. She doesn't know what's worse.
The fact that he's dead doesn't quite eclipse the fact that it was Scott who'd done it. Her gaze had drifted somewhere away from his face as she'd wrestled with the idea of going to find Ryoji herself, but returns to Scott in short order, searching his face for any hint as to why. There's nothing to see there, though, and so she forces herself to ask aloud,] Why?
[Her voice is small, cracking slightly with emotion, but subtly, unconsciously, she's trying not to show how upset she really is. How upset she should be? It's a weird feeling she doesn't really know how to describe, but it hurts knowing that Ryoji might be out there somewhere.]
[His hand tightens in hers the moment the pressure against his face lightens, the fear of her leaving surging up despite himself. She promised to stay with him, but could he really blame her for running off to find Ryoji after hearing this? He should've been revived by now too, right? A part of Scott wants to find out, make sure that his friend came back like everyone else. Phoenix... Phoenix couldn't have killed him for good, right? No matter how determined she was-- he was?? Still, he doesn't want her to leave him, desperate to have her warmth nearby despite everything he did.
He doesn't want her to go. Even if she's upset with him.
Tears develop in his eyes once more, unable to stop himself even though he was trying so hard to keep himself stable for her. But try as he might, they start to spill down his cheeks as he looks at her. She's so upset, he can tell, even if she's trying hard to hold it. He... he doesn't want that, but it really is so painful to see her like this. Know that he's the one that made her feel this way. He's not sure if he can tell her to be more upset at him, yell her feelings, not as he feels so afraid himself.
Words begin to rush out of him, the mutant almost babbling as his hand tightens even further in hers.]
I-I didn't want to, Kotone. [He's pleading now, wanting her to know this even though some of it sounds like an excuse. He still killed Ryoji in the end, but he doesn't want to be that person. He's not that--] Please believe me... I didn't want to hurt him. So much was happening-- I-I was so hurt but I didn't, really-- I shifted and there was this burning force inside me--
[Or not really him, but another Scott, but he still remembers how it felt. Scott shakes his head, voice cracking further.] I... I didn't want to...
[Her fingertips tighten against his face again, a flash of anger in her eyes because how dare he just lay here crying when he'd done something so awful to Ryoji? Why aren't they both out there doing something about this? Doing what, she doesn't know, but doing something.
But she loves Scott, more than anything, and her brows pinch together as she tries to wrestle her own feelings back and once again focus more on him. She still doesn't understand, but the way he's trying to explain tugs at her heart and firms her lips. Minato has to know, right? And if his hunt for Sha-Ming had proved anything, it's that she can trust the other SEES leader to look for his friends. If other people are starting to come back, then... maybe she can leave Ryoji to Minato, for now. She'll message him later no matter what, but--]
What'd you mean, you shifted? [Her voice is still a little short in spite of her efforts to restrain her own feelings, but she loosens her grip, runs her fingers below his eyes again before letting them drift down to gently cover his lips.] I... I believe you.
[It's true. She does believe that Scott would never kill Ryoji on purpose, certainly not because of her. She trusts him too much for that, and she'd like to think she knows him better than that. His tears right now should be proof enough, right? More softly, she repeats,] I believe you didn't want to, but what happened...?
[She doesn't have to ask if Scott's "alright" in the aftermath, that much is obvious, but she doesn't even know what to say, let alone feel without knowing more.]
[She's angry with him. Of course she is. It hurts, but maybe it'd be worse if she wasn't?? He doesn't know, his feelings are a mess right now, tugging him in different directions. At the very least, she's keeping her word and sticking with him and he can cling to that simple fact. Kotone hasn't gone anywhere and that's still preferable, even if she's deeply hurt.
It's hard to keep quiet, to stop more words from pouring out from him. He can feel his lips shaking, on the verge of spilling that terrible day's events in a frantic manner, and only calming down when her fingers press against them. There's something soothing about the motion, even though she must be so distressed, but he can see the trust in her eyes and Scott can feel like he can breathe once more. Maybe enough to explain.]
I-I turned. I changed-- like those other times during the month. E-Except, he was different. [Not evil. Scott's sure about that (although he can't really discern any emotions from him during that time-- mostly because Phoenix latched onto his), but that other Scott came at the wrong time while holding something in him that shouldn't be there. It was like everything lined up to make it be the worst possible outcome.
With Ryoji burning. Scott shudders.]
But it wasn't him-- me, Kotone. I... Phoenix took control over us. [Of him?? Because she latched onto his feelings more than anything?? But it was that other Scott's body. He dissociated at some point and even now he has a hard time describing it.] S-she was there. Like when Professor Xavier died.
[The other Professor Xavier at least, the one whose death is still on his parchment.]
[Her expression doesn't change, her eyes flicking rapidly back and forth across his face as if trying to figure out just what it is that he's trying to say.
Phoenix. It's not the first time that name has caused Scott so much anguish, a cold anger taking root deep within her at the mention. She'd met a Scott before -- he'd been kind, a little confused, but funny and so like her own Scott that it almost broke her heart a little. Knowing there's a Scott out there with that force inside him, a force that took out its destructive power on Ryoji -- how could she be anything but furious?
It's scary, too, knowing how often her boyfriend has been glitching into other versions of himself. She'd been afraid with that other Scott that hers might be gone forever. It makes this time they have together all the more precious, even if her emotions are a confused tangled mess right in the center of her chest.
So she does the only thing she knows and leans down, presses a gentle kiss to his cheek, lingering there for a long time. It serves the extra purpose of hiding her own face as she tries to figure out what she could possibly say.]
It wasn't you, [she murmurs finally, with as much conviction as she can muster in her small voice.] It's not your fault.
[He's crying again. He knows he is. He's already started once more just a few seconds ago, but Scott's fully sobbing again, his voice cracking and breaths coming out unevenly as he lies beneath her. Hearing Kotone's words, feeling her place a kiss against his cheek, he's relieved but it also breaks him down further. He's been confused and unsure of everything, anxious for her revival, her reaction, and now that it's here, it's just all too much. That knot of anxiety is gone, part of it at least, but he can't stop crying. Or maybe he's crying because of her acceptance and love still.
And so he continues to weep.]
It wasn't me. [Scott repeats, wanting to fully believe it. More importantly, he wants Kotone to fully believe that too. He heard it in her voice, no matter how quiet it was, but he wants to keep hearing it. As if to assuage some of that pain that's in him, he starts letting out everything that's been on his mind, unable to stop himself now.]
I wanted to heal him-- I know I did. Everything was hurting-- but he's my friend too, Kotone. I. He wouldn't do something like that, I know. I wanted to save him but instead-- [At this point, he doesn't know if he can stop crying. A part of him feels pathetic, but he killed his friend. Brutally.] I-it was awful. I-- he almost hurt Ange too... I couldn't control anything. I wasn't even myself.
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When he's back to 'normal,' there's going to be a lot of people that he needs to thank. Ange, Kurt, Yu, just... everyone that's been supporting him. Right now, however, he's still in that cycle of despair. He can't help but think over and over about that day, when he not only lost the person he loves the most right in front of him, but also killed his friend in the most vicious of ways. How much he-- Phoenix enjoyed it and. No.
He doesn't want to think about it anymore, but it's impossible. Is he supposed to talk about it? He doesn't know how to talk about it with anyone. He doesn't even know if he can talk to Kotone about it. To work through everything that happened, the glitching, the shifting into a Scott that wasn't him, then transforming into something that wasn't him or that Scott at all. It barely makes sense in his own mind. He feels lost.
The mutant tries once again to squeeze his eyes shut, maybe drown out the world around him. He has to work on this somehow, right? He knows he can't lie here forever. It's not what she would've wanted. Scott knows this. It's just so much happened and he's struggling to deal with it alone. Maybe he can talk to someone eventually. Especially if she doesn't come back. If she's...
...She's calling out his name?
Scott immediately sits up from the couch, his appearance ragged, hair uncombed and he's probably in the most basic of sleepwear himself. It's clear that he hasn't been faring well since her passing.]
Kotone...?
[There's a crack in his voice, something visceral and strained in him as he looks at her from his position on the couch. Is she actually in front of him? Not just another dream when she's standing nearby and the next moment she's gone, or bleeding out in his arms once more. He doesn't know, he's not sure if he's even breathing, afraid to move or even blink, because maybe she'll be gone again.
...
It's sad, that in his grief, he really hasn't fully prepared for the moment
ifwhen she'd come back. He wanted to be happy, show how okay he is, but it's only been two days since her passing. How could anyone expect him to just move on after that amount of time? Maybe he fully understands how that other Scott felt, the one that was mourning Jean. But he doesn't think about that for long, because Kotone is the only one he's focused on, emotions surging in his chest that result in another cracked whisper of her name.]no subject
There's nothing she can say at first, just holding him tight and gasping for breath against the heavy weight in her chest, the wave of emotion almost sucking her under and making it hard to really breathe. He's here. They're both still here, and he's -- well, a little rough-looking, but he's not physically hurt. Physically, he's okay, and while she has no way of knowing if he'd died, too, and had only just woken up like she had, at least he's here now.
He's so warm. She'd felt so cold in those last few seconds before waking up in that bed alone, but Scott's so warm and solid beneath her, a tangible presence she can hold and wrap herself in and feel like everything's normal and complete. She'll ask about the Gnosia, she'll ask about Ryoji, but right now, call her selfish, she wants to just lose herself in Scott's arms for a few minutes.]
...
[What can she say? She doesn't trust herself to speak and instead just keeps her nose tucked in against his neck, arms trying to find purchase against him in the hopes that he'll hold her tight like he always has. He said he'd carry her, right? And that's all she wants right now. Just for a few minutes, she wants this to be enough.]
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Those thoughts alone springs unbidden tears to his eyes, his arms wrapping tightly around her in a hold that fully expresses that he doesn't want to let go. Why would he? She's hugging him back, she's in his arms and just full of life. She's the complete opposite of how she was when she was bleeding out with that hole in her chest. He wants to scrub that memory away forever, honestly, but right now, he'll just be grateful that she's back at all. He can fully embrace this.
She really has returned. He hoped this entire time, but he couldn't fully trust in it either. Somewhere, he knows it's only been two days or so since she died, but it didn't feel like it. Honestly, time stopped becoming a thing for him.
Scott understands that she didn't return just for him or anything, but right now, he likes to think that it's just the two of them again. Like how they were at the beach, just off in their own world without anyone or anything touching them. That feeling really has only deepened since her passing, like this is how things should be. This is how he'd like to be. For the first time since he was taken over by those glitches-- by Phoenix, he feels like he can be normal again. Deep down, he knows that it will be fully impossible, but he actually feels like he's okay. Or will be okay.
He knows that he'll eventually have to tell her what happened, but Scott selfishly pushes that thought away. He can have this moment right now with her, right? What's wrong with that?? Kotone obviously needs it too and he said that he'll be her strength, even if he feels fragile himself. After all, even though he witnessed her death, she's the one that actually had to experience it. She's said before that she's not afraid of dying, but... it still must've hurt and everything. He wants to be here for her and she can just be with him, not worrying about anyone else.
Honestly, it would take a lot for Scott to pull away from Kotone right now. His arms tighten even further around her, one hand cupping the back of her head as she continues to bury her face against his neck.]
I...
[He missed her. He thought he lost her forever already. He...]
I love you. [Maybe that's the best thing to say for now as they soak in each other's warmth once more.]
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She's not afraid of dying. She's afraid of living without Scott. It hits her like a lightning bolt and makes her gasp as her grip tightens around him, her eyes squeezing tightly shut in an effort to keep her own emotions in check. It's already really hard for him, isn't it? She doesn't want to make it harder. Even if he said he wants her to rely on him, so much that he'd carry her if she needed... she wants to be that person for him, too.]
You're okay?
[Her voice is watery and weak, but she manages in spite of it. Her fingertips clutch his back as she crawls all the closer in against him, as if every inch of her skin could be pressed against his, as if she could lose herself completely within his arms.]
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At the very least, he'll be here for her. That he knows without any doubt. In fact, he doesn't think he can be anywhere without her for a while. Scott just wants to wake up, see her next to him, spend the day with her, and go to bed with her. He wants to do those things every day until they fully disappear.]
I'm okay. [...] Are you okay?
[His voice is shaky, equally as watery as hers, but both of them probably already know that the other is lying if they say that they're 'okay.' It's not a complete lie anyway; he's at least better now with her in his arms. Maybe that progression to being fine has started, the clogged feeling in his chest has definitely loosened. It feels like he may actually sleep (just ignore how he doesn't want to be apart from her now).
Adjusting them on the couch, Scott encourages her to lie fully on top of him, as if hoping to establish as much contact as possible.]
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So why doesn't she want to lie to Scott and say that she is? He'd know she's lying if she even tried, she's certain of that, so maybe it's just not worth the effort; maybe she just doesn't want to pretend with him, even if it's better for him.
Taking another deep breath against his neck, she doesn't answer his question, instead venturing a quiet question of her own.] How long was I...?
[Dead, she doesn't say, more for Scott's sake than her own. It had been over in the blink of an eye for her, but she has no idea how much time has passed for Scott. Checking her phone or looking at a calendar hadn't even occurred to her in the rush to find her boyfriend, and it certainly won't occur to her now when she can just ask.]
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He's never loved someone like this before; he doesn't think he ever will (maybe that one Scott who lost Jean would understand). It's impossible to imagine. It's partly why he can never fully understand Mikey or Yu when they date multiple people at once. It's cool that it works for them, but.]
Two days.
[Just two days, but it didn't feel like it.
He spent most of that time wondering if she'd ever come back, staring at his ceiling with a dull emptiness that he's never felt before. He's not sure if that feeling or the excruciating guilt and grief was worse. Feeling something rather than feeling nothing... Scott can't give an answer to that. He's not sure if he should tell Kotone how badly affected he was about the whole thing, is it too much? Would she be disappointed? He'll definitely save it for the time being.]
The gnosia infection is gone.
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[That doesn't sound like a long time. It hadn't been that short for Yosuke, had it...? For a moment, she's regretting not finding out about more people who've experienced death here -- but maybe instead it's better to focus on the fact that they're alive right now, together.
But in spite of it all, she brightens a little, leaning up on her elbow to try to meet his eyes as if to make sure that he means it, that the infection is really gone. There's no reason why he would lie about something like this, so-! She musters up a tiny smile as she leans up just enough to press her lips to his jaw.]
I knew you could do it. [Not that she knows how much of a direct hand Scott had in any of it, but knowing him... he definitely made it a lot better for everyone. She's certain of that much. Her smile fades a little as she adds more quietly,] Sorry for leaving you alone. I didn't want to.
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I knew you could do it.
Except he didn't. He didn't help anyone after she died. It was the exact opposite and it's impossible now to stop those images from surging to the forefront of his mind, memories of Ryoji burning in his grasp and that terrible force inside him. Scott stills completely beneath her, like he's unable to breathe. He feels like he can't, maybe he's suffocating in the same way as his friend, except there's nothing really stopping him from drawing breath other than the fact that he's going to disappoint Kotone. He's already disappointed her the moment he killed Ryoji rather than heal him.
And it's more than just that, because he brutally murdered someone that is a friend to him. Someone that loves people, loves Kotone, and would never hurt anyone if he could help it. He's not a villain, not normally. It was just the infection and...
Scott can't stop himself from shaking as those memories continue to replay in his mind, drawn back to that day and for once, he's not paying much attention to the girl on top of him.]
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Scott?
[Her voice is soft, but clearly lined with the same concern that's on her face. Did something happen...? It's only been two days, but with everything that had happened during the Gnosia infection, "two days" is an awfully long time. Is everything hitting him all at once? Is he feeling guilty for not saving her? She can't possibly know, so she doesn't try to guess; she just keeps her hand against his cheek, her eyes searching his face for any hint as to what he's thinking about.
Not being able to guess doesn't stop a mounting dread from filling her heart and creeping into her throat, though. What had happened while she was gone? How had the infection been cured? ]
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Would she still be accepting??
Scott wouldn't blame Kotone if she was disappointed and upset with him because who wouldn't be? But it doesn't make it any easier to think about. So he shudders when she gently cups his face in her hand, both appreciating the touch and dreading what he's about to tell her. The truth is going to come out at some point and it's best if she hears about it from him. He knows that. He just wants her warmth on his face for just a bit longer.]
Kotone... I...
[His voice is quiet and there's something fractured in the way he says her name as he looks up at her. Closing his eyes would be easier, but he doesn't want to look away from her still. Even like this, with Scott expecting that concern to shift into hurt, he wants to see her. He's not sure how many times he's cried in the past couple of days, but the mutant once again feels the familiar sensation of tears rolling down his cheeks, no longer hidden by his glasses. He knew this moment was coming, but it's still hard.
Hard to admit that he killed a friend.]
I'm... sorry. I... [Words still aren't coming forth, remaining lodged in his throat as he starts crying instead. Half-choked sounds and sobs break free, vision blurry as he turns his head to face away from her.]
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[She shifts atop him, sitting up enough to bring both hands up to collect his tears with her thumbs as if she might be able to wipe them away and soothe whatever's haunting him. It doesn't do anything to ease the ache in the center of her chest, a choking fear rising in her throat because she doesn't know. There's so much she doesn't know right now, and she doesn't even know how to ask when he's crying like this.
So she just keeps holding him, keeps gently running her hands over his face. She doesn't stop him from turning his head, doesn't make him face her, but he has to know she won't leave. Not if there's anything she can do.]
It's okay. You can talk when you're ready, okay?
[As much as she desperately wants to ask what's wrong, she can't do that to him. That's never really been her thing, anyway. People come to talk to her when they're ready. She just has to be there for them, to be strong when they're not feeling it themselves.
One hand moves up a little higher and strokes through his hair, mindful as always not to bump his glasses. In a way, it's easier to focus on him than it is to dwell on her own experiences, but it's far from the happy reunion she'd imagined when he recognized her.]
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He failed her, failed something important. She counted on him.
Loud, wracking sobs continue to leave Scott as more emotions continue to compound on him. A part of him feels pathetic, because he's beneath her and crying when she was the one that died, but he can't stop those tears or his loud cries still. It's not like he hasn't cried like this the past couple of days, but it hasn't been enough. Everything's been hurting still and he's not sure if things will ever go back to normal. And he just wants to be normal for her again.]
Y-You'll stay here. Right...? [He half asks, half begs, looking back at her, his hands now on hers as if to keep her holding him.]
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[Not even a second of hesitation, she almost cuts him off with how quickly she wants to reassure him. Her lips curve into a smile she hopes is reassuring, even as her heart pounds frantically in her chest. Why won't he just tell her...? Something bad must have happened. Did something happen to Ryoji after Scott had saved him? Or had something happened to Shinjiro or any of Kotone's other friends? Come to think of it, she hadn't heard from Shinji at all since all this started happening, so maybe...
No. Don't dwell on what-ifs. She forces herself to take a deep, stabilizing breath and leans down, pressing her lips just below his glasses as if she could somehow kiss his tears away. Whatever's bothering him is way more important than whatever her own worries are. He'll tell her when he's ready, if he ever is.]
No matter what, [she adds softly, drawing back only just enough that he can look at her if he wants. No matter what happens, she wants to be with him. She doesn't want to live without him anymore.]
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P-Promise...?
[Which may be completely unfair to do to her, especially since she doesn't know anything about what happened. But Scott isn't thinking about that, selfishly just wanting Kotone to still be with him no matter what. He wants her acceptance and her love, despite what happened. If push comes to shove, he'd let her go, if she really wanted to leave, but right now, he just wants to hear her promise that.
It helps a little knowing that she promised to stay with him even after he told her about the Phoenix in another timeline. The Scott Summers that killed Charles Xavier. He just... just didn't think it would happen like this. He tangles one hand into hers, gripping it and bringing it to his chest in a way that feels almost grounding. Thinking about how he kept on glitching to other Scotts, he feels anxious about it happening now of all times.]
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I promise.
[She'd already made that promise before, and for her, nothing had changed since then. It would be wrong to say Scott's the only reason she's still alive right now, but sometimes it does feel like the most important thing to her continued existence. Again, she can't help but think about that moment of pitched terror when she'd realized she might have to keep on living without him. Closing her eyes, she leans down and seeks his lips with her own for a gentle, heartfelt kiss, her thumbs wiping once again at his tears as if somehow that gesture could ease his suffering and make it, if not better, then bearable.]
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Even if her face will turn to disappointment soon, she promised she won't leave him. She'll still stay warm and alive above him and maybe that's more than what he should even ask for. It doesn't stop him from returning her kiss though, lips meeting hers that's familiar, but just a note more clingy. Tears continue to pass down his cheeks as his heart beats harder and faster, that stress battling his will to tell her what happened. She deserves to know.]
I...
[Tell her, Summers. Tell her now. He can feel his heart beat in his ears and--]
I didn't save Ryoji.
[And that's just the partial truth.
The full horridness of what actually happened is still hidden from her and he's going to tell her. He will. Just maybe for both of their sakes, he's only slowly admitting this. Scott's hand tightens in hers, not sure if it's for support, if it's so that she doesn't pull away, or just a little bit of both. He knows that she's going to take it hard, hearing that Ryoji died as well. They... they've always been important to each other.]
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Several long, tense seconds pass, her fingertips squeezing his face as she wrestles with her own voice, before finally managing a quiet,] What happened...?
[Is it her fault...? Does Minato know?]
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He wonders if she'll ever fully trust him again in this sort of situation and it pains him to think about. They've been working as a team for a while now and it's been something so encouraging and fulfilling. Maybe she won't leave, but she can still react in other ways that will hurt. It's making this all the more difficult and something sharp and jagged moves through his chest as that anxiety returns. He wants things to be normal between them, like nothing happened, even if it's incredibly selfish. She's always holding herself back for others and he doesn't want her to start doing it for him too.
He'll just watch her, even if something changes between them.]
...I.
[He's a murderer. Does it matter if it was Phoenix?? Ryoji still died. He was still the catalyst for that cosmic force to appear. Scott's not even sure whose to fully blame anyway. Him, Phoenix, the other Scott-- it's like what happened in the desert, right?]
I killed him. [Scott finally answers, nearly whispers. His admission's quiet, but is so definite in the silent air around them.]
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The fact that he's dead doesn't quite eclipse the fact that it was Scott who'd done it. Her gaze had drifted somewhere away from his face as she'd wrestled with the idea of going to find Ryoji herself, but returns to Scott in short order, searching his face for any hint as to why. There's nothing to see there, though, and so she forces herself to ask aloud,] Why?
[Her voice is small, cracking slightly with emotion, but subtly, unconsciously, she's trying not to show how upset she really is. How upset she should be? It's a weird feeling she doesn't really know how to describe, but it hurts knowing that Ryoji might be out there somewhere.]
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He doesn't want her to go. Even if she's upset with him.
Tears develop in his eyes once more, unable to stop himself even though he was trying so hard to keep himself stable for her. But try as he might, they start to spill down his cheeks as he looks at her. She's so upset, he can tell, even if she's trying hard to hold it. He... he doesn't want that, but it really is so painful to see her like this. Know that he's the one that made her feel this way. He's not sure if he can tell her to be more upset at him, yell her feelings, not as he feels so afraid himself.
Words begin to rush out of him, the mutant almost babbling as his hand tightens even further in hers.]
I-I didn't want to, Kotone. [He's pleading now, wanting her to know this even though some of it sounds like an excuse. He still killed Ryoji in the end, but he doesn't want to be that person. He's not that--] Please believe me... I didn't want to hurt him. So much was happening-- I-I was so hurt but I didn't, really-- I shifted and there was this burning force inside me--
[Or not really him, but another Scott, but he still remembers how it felt. Scott shakes his head, voice cracking further.] I... I didn't want to...
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But she loves Scott, more than anything, and her brows pinch together as she tries to wrestle her own feelings back and once again focus more on him. She still doesn't understand, but the way he's trying to explain tugs at her heart and firms her lips. Minato has to know, right? And if his hunt for Sha-Ming had proved anything, it's that she can trust the other SEES leader to look for his friends. If other people are starting to come back, then... maybe she can leave Ryoji to Minato, for now. She'll message him later no matter what, but--]
What'd you mean, you shifted? [Her voice is still a little short in spite of her efforts to restrain her own feelings, but she loosens her grip, runs her fingers below his eyes again before letting them drift down to gently cover his lips.] I... I believe you.
[It's true. She does believe that Scott would never kill Ryoji on purpose, certainly not because of her. She trusts him too much for that, and she'd like to think she knows him better than that. His tears right now should be proof enough, right? More softly, she repeats,] I believe you didn't want to, but what happened...?
[She doesn't have to ask if Scott's "alright" in the aftermath, that much is obvious, but she doesn't even know what to say, let alone feel without knowing more.]
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It's hard to keep quiet, to stop more words from pouring out from him. He can feel his lips shaking, on the verge of spilling that terrible day's events in a frantic manner, and only calming down when her fingers press against them. There's something soothing about the motion, even though she must be so distressed, but he can see the trust in her eyes and Scott can feel like he can breathe once more. Maybe enough to explain.]
I-I turned. I changed-- like those other times during the month. E-Except, he was different. [Not evil. Scott's sure about that (although he can't really discern any emotions from him during that time-- mostly because Phoenix latched onto his), but that other Scott came at the wrong time while holding something in him that shouldn't be there. It was like everything lined up to make it be the worst possible outcome.
With Ryoji burning. Scott shudders.]
But it wasn't him-- me, Kotone. I... Phoenix took control over us. [Of him?? Because she latched onto his feelings more than anything?? But it was that other Scott's body. He dissociated at some point and even now he has a hard time describing it.] S-she was there. Like when Professor Xavier died.
[The other Professor Xavier at least, the one whose death is still on his parchment.]
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Phoenix. It's not the first time that name has caused Scott so much anguish, a cold anger taking root deep within her at the mention. She'd met a Scott before -- he'd been kind, a little confused, but funny and so like her own Scott that it almost broke her heart a little. Knowing there's a Scott out there with that force inside him, a force that took out its destructive power on Ryoji -- how could she be anything but furious?
It's scary, too, knowing how often her boyfriend has been glitching into other versions of himself. She'd been afraid with that other Scott that hers might be gone forever. It makes this time they have together all the more precious, even if her emotions are a confused tangled mess right in the center of her chest.
So she does the only thing she knows and leans down, presses a gentle kiss to his cheek, lingering there for a long time. It serves the extra purpose of hiding her own face as she tries to figure out what she could possibly say.]
It wasn't you, [she murmurs finally, with as much conviction as she can muster in her small voice.] It's not your fault.
[She has to believe that.]
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And so he continues to weep.]
It wasn't me. [Scott repeats, wanting to fully believe it. More importantly, he wants Kotone to fully believe that too. He heard it in her voice, no matter how quiet it was, but he wants to keep hearing it. As if to assuage some of that pain that's in him, he starts letting out everything that's been on his mind, unable to stop himself now.]
I wanted to heal him-- I know I did. Everything was hurting-- but he's my friend too, Kotone. I. He wouldn't do something like that, I know. I wanted to save him but instead-- [At this point, he doesn't know if he can stop crying. A part of him feels pathetic, but he killed his friend. Brutally.] I-it was awful. I-- he almost hurt Ange too... I couldn't control anything. I wasn't even myself.
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