[Again, her voice doesn't waver. It's an easy promise to make, after all, and the way Scott's asking makes her answer obvious.]
I promise.
[She'd already made that promise before, and for her, nothing had changed since then. It would be wrong to say Scott's the only reason she's still alive right now, but sometimes it does feel like the most important thing to her continued existence. Again, she can't help but think about that moment of pitched terror when she'd realized she might have to keep on living without him. Closing her eyes, she leans down and seeks his lips with her own for a gentle, heartfelt kiss, her thumbs wiping once again at his tears as if somehow that gesture could ease his suffering and make it, if not better, then bearable.]
Even if her face will turn to disappointment soon, she promised she won't leave him. She'll still stay warm and alive above him and maybe that's more than what he should even ask for. It doesn't stop him from returning her kiss though, lips meeting hers that's familiar, but just a note more clingy. Tears continue to pass down his cheeks as his heart beats harder and faster, that stress battling his will to tell her what happened. She deserves to know.]
I...
[Tell her, Summers. Tell her now. He can feel his heart beat in his ears and--]
I didn't save Ryoji.
[And that's just the partial truth.
The full horridness of what actually happened is still hidden from her and he's going to tell her. He will. Just maybe for both of their sakes, he's only slowly admitting this. Scott's hand tightens in hers, not sure if it's for support, if it's so that she doesn't pull away, or just a little bit of both. He knows that she's going to take it hard, hearing that Ryoji died as well. They... they've always been important to each other.]
[For a moment, it feels like her heart stops. Her eyes widen and her lips part, but it feels like her tongue is glued to her mouth and her throat is sticking shut. He didn't save Ryoji...? The whole reason they'd gone there, the whole reason she'd died was so there'd be a chance to save her friend. Ryoji's already been through far too much, and she couldn't even imagine the suffering he'd be feeling in the aftermath of the infection. There's a bit of guilt, too, that she'd immediately rushed into Scott's arms upon waking up and hadn't asked about Ryoji first, but- well, she's hearing now, as much as she wishes she weren't.
Several long, tense seconds pass, her fingertips squeezing his face as she wrestles with her own voice, before finally managing a quiet,] What happened...?
[She's surprised. Of course she is, because she still believes in him. She doesn't know yet.
He wonders if she'll ever fully trust him again in this sort of situation and it pains him to think about. They've been working as a team for a while now and it's been something so encouraging and fulfilling. Maybe she won't leave, but she can still react in other ways that will hurt. It's making this all the more difficult and something sharp and jagged moves through his chest as that anxiety returns. He wants things to be normal between them, like nothing happened, even if it's incredibly selfish. She's always holding herself back for others and he doesn't want her to start doing it for him too.
He'll just watch her, even if something changes between them.]
...I.
[He's a murderer. Does it matter if it was Phoenix?? Ryoji still died. He was still the catalyst for that cosmic force to appear. Scott's not even sure whose to fully blame anyway. Him, Phoenix, the other Scott-- it's like what happened in the desert, right?]
I killed him. [Scott finally answers, nearly whispers. His admission's quiet, but is so definite in the silent air around them.]
[The fingers that had been gripping his face so tightly suddenly slacken, her eyes widening in obvious distress before her expression shutters into blank neutrality. It's the expression she makes when she doesn't know what expression to make. She can't breathe, and there's a part of her, not a small part, that wants to run out and find Ryoji, to see if he's woken up like she has. If he died when she did, then maybe he's out there somewhere, lost and confused. Or still infected and still not himself. She doesn't know what's worse.
The fact that he's dead doesn't quite eclipse the fact that it was Scott who'd done it. Her gaze had drifted somewhere away from his face as she'd wrestled with the idea of going to find Ryoji herself, but returns to Scott in short order, searching his face for any hint as to why. There's nothing to see there, though, and so she forces herself to ask aloud,] Why?
[Her voice is small, cracking slightly with emotion, but subtly, unconsciously, she's trying not to show how upset she really is. How upset she should be? It's a weird feeling she doesn't really know how to describe, but it hurts knowing that Ryoji might be out there somewhere.]
[His hand tightens in hers the moment the pressure against his face lightens, the fear of her leaving surging up despite himself. She promised to stay with him, but could he really blame her for running off to find Ryoji after hearing this? He should've been revived by now too, right? A part of Scott wants to find out, make sure that his friend came back like everyone else. Phoenix... Phoenix couldn't have killed him for good, right? No matter how determined she was-- he was?? Still, he doesn't want her to leave him, desperate to have her warmth nearby despite everything he did.
He doesn't want her to go. Even if she's upset with him.
Tears develop in his eyes once more, unable to stop himself even though he was trying so hard to keep himself stable for her. But try as he might, they start to spill down his cheeks as he looks at her. She's so upset, he can tell, even if she's trying hard to hold it. He... he doesn't want that, but it really is so painful to see her like this. Know that he's the one that made her feel this way. He's not sure if he can tell her to be more upset at him, yell her feelings, not as he feels so afraid himself.
Words begin to rush out of him, the mutant almost babbling as his hand tightens even further in hers.]
I-I didn't want to, Kotone. [He's pleading now, wanting her to know this even though some of it sounds like an excuse. He still killed Ryoji in the end, but he doesn't want to be that person. He's not that--] Please believe me... I didn't want to hurt him. So much was happening-- I-I was so hurt but I didn't, really-- I shifted and there was this burning force inside me--
[Or not really him, but another Scott, but he still remembers how it felt. Scott shakes his head, voice cracking further.] I... I didn't want to...
[Her fingertips tighten against his face again, a flash of anger in her eyes because how dare he just lay here crying when he'd done something so awful to Ryoji? Why aren't they both out there doing something about this? Doing what, she doesn't know, but doing something.
But she loves Scott, more than anything, and her brows pinch together as she tries to wrestle her own feelings back and once again focus more on him. She still doesn't understand, but the way he's trying to explain tugs at her heart and firms her lips. Minato has to know, right? And if his hunt for Sha-Ming had proved anything, it's that she can trust the other SEES leader to look for his friends. If other people are starting to come back, then... maybe she can leave Ryoji to Minato, for now. She'll message him later no matter what, but--]
What'd you mean, you shifted? [Her voice is still a little short in spite of her efforts to restrain her own feelings, but she loosens her grip, runs her fingers below his eyes again before letting them drift down to gently cover his lips.] I... I believe you.
[It's true. She does believe that Scott would never kill Ryoji on purpose, certainly not because of her. She trusts him too much for that, and she'd like to think she knows him better than that. His tears right now should be proof enough, right? More softly, she repeats,] I believe you didn't want to, but what happened...?
[She doesn't have to ask if Scott's "alright" in the aftermath, that much is obvious, but she doesn't even know what to say, let alone feel without knowing more.]
[She's angry with him. Of course she is. It hurts, but maybe it'd be worse if she wasn't?? He doesn't know, his feelings are a mess right now, tugging him in different directions. At the very least, she's keeping her word and sticking with him and he can cling to that simple fact. Kotone hasn't gone anywhere and that's still preferable, even if she's deeply hurt.
It's hard to keep quiet, to stop more words from pouring out from him. He can feel his lips shaking, on the verge of spilling that terrible day's events in a frantic manner, and only calming down when her fingers press against them. There's something soothing about the motion, even though she must be so distressed, but he can see the trust in her eyes and Scott can feel like he can breathe once more. Maybe enough to explain.]
I-I turned. I changed-- like those other times during the month. E-Except, he was different. [Not evil. Scott's sure about that (although he can't really discern any emotions from him during that time-- mostly because Phoenix latched onto his), but that other Scott came at the wrong time while holding something in him that shouldn't be there. It was like everything lined up to make it be the worst possible outcome.
With Ryoji burning. Scott shudders.]
But it wasn't him-- me, Kotone. I... Phoenix took control over us. [Of him?? Because she latched onto his feelings more than anything?? But it was that other Scott's body. He dissociated at some point and even now he has a hard time describing it.] S-she was there. Like when Professor Xavier died.
[The other Professor Xavier at least, the one whose death is still on his parchment.]
[Her expression doesn't change, her eyes flicking rapidly back and forth across his face as if trying to figure out just what it is that he's trying to say.
Phoenix. It's not the first time that name has caused Scott so much anguish, a cold anger taking root deep within her at the mention. She'd met a Scott before -- he'd been kind, a little confused, but funny and so like her own Scott that it almost broke her heart a little. Knowing there's a Scott out there with that force inside him, a force that took out its destructive power on Ryoji -- how could she be anything but furious?
It's scary, too, knowing how often her boyfriend has been glitching into other versions of himself. She'd been afraid with that other Scott that hers might be gone forever. It makes this time they have together all the more precious, even if her emotions are a confused tangled mess right in the center of her chest.
So she does the only thing she knows and leans down, presses a gentle kiss to his cheek, lingering there for a long time. It serves the extra purpose of hiding her own face as she tries to figure out what she could possibly say.]
It wasn't you, [she murmurs finally, with as much conviction as she can muster in her small voice.] It's not your fault.
[He's crying again. He knows he is. He's already started once more just a few seconds ago, but Scott's fully sobbing again, his voice cracking and breaths coming out unevenly as he lies beneath her. Hearing Kotone's words, feeling her place a kiss against his cheek, he's relieved but it also breaks him down further. He's been confused and unsure of everything, anxious for her revival, her reaction, and now that it's here, it's just all too much. That knot of anxiety is gone, part of it at least, but he can't stop crying. Or maybe he's crying because of her acceptance and love still.
And so he continues to weep.]
It wasn't me. [Scott repeats, wanting to fully believe it. More importantly, he wants Kotone to fully believe that too. He heard it in her voice, no matter how quiet it was, but he wants to keep hearing it. As if to assuage some of that pain that's in him, he starts letting out everything that's been on his mind, unable to stop himself now.]
I wanted to heal him-- I know I did. Everything was hurting-- but he's my friend too, Kotone. I. He wouldn't do something like that, I know. I wanted to save him but instead-- [At this point, he doesn't know if he can stop crying. A part of him feels pathetic, but he killed his friend. Brutally.] I-it was awful. I-- he almost hurt Ange too... I couldn't control anything. I wasn't even myself.
[Her heart aches, and she's so tired, but she knows Scott truly would never do anything like that to a friend. Not even to somebody he doesn't know, not anymore; not since their conversation after the desert. Scott has a big heart and feels everything so deeply; it's why she'd wanted to push him away from anything serious all those months ago, but look at them now. At least she can try to support him, even if he did kill her friend.
No. He didn't kill Ryoji. She has to believe that.
She collapses a little atop him, giving him the chance to bury his face into her shoulder or her chest if he wants to. These glitches... she has to do something about them, if not for Scott's sake, but to prevent anyone else from getting hurt. Ryoji and Ange are already proof of how dangerous Phoenix can be if she comes out at the wrong moment. Kotone takes a deep breath and squeezes her eyes shut, holding Scott close.]
We'll figure something out. [Beneath the anger and the pain, there's that familiar steely determination. Maybe Dara knows something, or maybe Peter can do something, but-- there has to be a solution.] We will. I don't want to lose you again.
[As she falls on top of him, Scott pushes himself closer to her. Through the tears, the overwhelming guilt and pain, he knows he wants this. Maybe even needs it. He wants to be as close as possible and as he arranges himself, his glasses presses tightly against his face and angrily, he shuts his eyes tight before pulling them off. They're tossed almost haphazardly on the nearby table before he buries himself fully against her chest, arms coming up to tightly wound around her waist.
Maybe dangerous to have his sunglasses off, but he'll keep his eyes shut. He'd never hurt her. He can't, he won't. Maybe he shouldn't be doing something like, not when he can possibly glitch once more, but Scott doesn't think about that. He wants to press his vulnerable and uncovered eyes against the warmth of her body. It's nice to think that Kotone still trusts him too.
Being fully embraced like this and hearing the determination in her voice, the anger still there but not fully directed at him anymore, pushes against that complicated bubble of emotions until they completely burst and Scott isn't holding anything back as he cries. Just like how she comforted him almost a year ago at the casino, after the desert events, he breaks down against her.]
I-I don't want to change again. I-I just want to be myself, with you. With everyone else. [He wants to feel normal again, even if it's impossible. At least he can be with her. That won't change.
...Not as long as they're both here.] I-I don't want to hurt anyone...
[Her head turns sharply sideways at the crack of his glasses hitting the table, but she only wraps him up all the tighter, taking the gesture as it is. She trusts him not to hurt her; she trusts any Scott not to hurt her. Even the Scott she'd met, lost and confused and hurting as he was, wouldn't hurt her. She has to believe that Phoenix wouldn't, either. Not as long as she's part of Scott.
It's like a reversal of what had happened with Thanatos all those months ago. Now it's Scott who could glitch into someone who has an uncontrollable power within him that only wants to hurt. His sobs fracture something deep within her heart, making her gasp softly with her own emotion as she holds him close, tucking her chin in against his head and twining both hands into his hair. It's not fair that Scott is suffering like this. It's not fair for any of them, really, and there are so many people she'll have to check on. But Scott's her first priority.]
I don't want you to change either. I like you. [Exactly how he is. He doesn't have to be the leader of the X-Men or some cosmic force, but just Scott Summers. Whoever he decides to be for himself, that's enough for her. Her voice breaks a little with the quiet addition,] I love you. I wanna stay with you.
[If it happens again... hopefully she'll be there to stop him. If Phoenix was able to kill Ryoji, when Ryoji was so strong in his Gnosia form, she doesn't know how she could possibly stop Phoenix, but... well, she has to try. She has to be prepared for if it ever happens again.]
[When she's with him like this, it truly feels like nothing bad can ever happen again. Probably a childish thought, but it's one that Scott still keeps in his mind as a foundation, something to help stabilize his emotions to some extent even as tears continue to soak the shirt he's pressed against. If they're both safe, he won't transform. And... even if he somehow still glitches, if there's only these positive emotions, then Phoenix won't have anything to latch onto. Right?
Maybe it's just so easy to remember how much he loves her. He's always liked her since they first met, but over time, those feelings developed from a simple crush to something genuine. It's now to a point that he has a hard time thinking he'd ever feel this way towards anyone else. Not to mention that she loves him back. She doesn't care about all those extra things that have made his life more complicated, she still loves him. It means so much, now more than ever.]
I love you. [He says once, then repeats.] I love you, Kotone. I-I just want to be with you.
[He just wants to go on dates with her, eat at the diner, watch movies, return to something normal. For a while, after Ryoji pierced her chest, after he glitched into Phoenix, all of that felt impossible. Scott wants to hope that they can do those things once more after all this. He doesn't want to lose that part of their life together.]
[He doesn't have to say it for her to know exactly what he means by wanting to be with her. It's the same for her, after all; when they're together, even if everything around them is falling apart, they can pretend like they're normal. Like everything is going to be okay.
She can't be with him forever. But she wants to be with him until the end of her life. That's selfish, isn't it? But as her own chest heaves a bit with the force of her own emotions bubbling up from within, she's forced to admit that it's the truth. She squeezes her eyes tightly shut and keeps her grip on him as steady as she can, even if her hands are starting to shake.]
Me, too. [And her voice is a whisper, fiercely possessive. Everything feels too much, like her nerves have been rubbed raw, catching her breath in her lungs until it's hard to breathe. She doesn't want to be in Aldrip without Scott. When had that happened? People always leave eventually, she'd accepted that, over and over again, but she doesn't want to go through it all without him anymore.]
'M sorry.
[Another whisper, more ragged than before, and even if he asked, she doesn't think she could put into words all the things she's sorry for as tears gather behind closed eyelids. Sorry glitched into another Scott and couldn't save Ryoji. Sorry she couldn't protect either of them. Sorry she died. Sorry she'll die long before he will.]
[He first notices when her hands begin shaking, those minute tremors keenly felt while they're pressed together, but then there's the quietness in her voice with underlying emotion seeped into her words. Maybe it wouldn't be noticeable to others, but Scott hears it, and some of his own overwhelming thoughts fade because if there's anything or anyone that can draw him out of his own pain, it's Kotone. She doesn't allow herself to be open like this, not often, and maybe she benefits from the fact that he can't see her now.
But Scott doesn't let that stop him, pulling up from her chest with his eyes still closed. He's mostly facing towards her as she whispers her apologies, listening to the quietness of her voice with his heart clenching all the while. Perhaps humorously, he lightly bumps her cheek with his hand, but soon he's cupping her face with a gentle grip, a small frown tugging at the corner of his lips even as the occasional tear continues to slide down from his eyelids.]
I know-- it's not your fault. Nothing is. [Scott sounds a little more put together, although he's still choked up. It's not surprising to hear Kotone taking fault for what happened because she cares so much about people-- her friends. Of course she'd be taking this hard and that's not even touching the fact that she died just a couple of days ago. All of that sounds so difficult to touch upon or even start processing, so swipes his thumb across her cheek as he repeats himself.]
[At least he can't see her like this. Mean to think, maybe, but true. His hand bumps blindly against her face before cupping her cheek, and it's just such a sweet and tender gesture that it makes her breath catch her throat again in the start of a sob she tries to choke back. It's not her fault, she knows that, but it hurts...
She leans down and gently kisses away those tears as if that could somehow help her not cry herself. It doesn't really work, the visible reminder of how much Scott had suffered only making her lip tremble, but she does try, mirroring his gesture and cupping his cheek once again. She kisses the corner of his eye, his eyelids, his forehead, lingering there for a long moment and just trying to breathe.]
I don't wanna be here without you. [It bursts out in a rush as this time, she's the one to duck her head, pressing her nose into his shoulder and fighting to keep her tears from spilling.] I just wanna be with you...
[He hasn't stopped trembling, even though he's trying his best to support her too. She really is so warm and alive-- this is how he wants to remember Kotone. Even if he can't see her now, he can at least picture her smiling face and her more serious one that's laced with strength and determination to chase away that terrible memory from only two days ago. As Yu said, that lifeless corpse wasn't Kotone. With his eyes closed, he can truly memorize and pay attention to how she feels against him, his body shaking just a little more when her lips press against his sensitive eyelids.
She's so close to his powers like this, but she's safe. He can control them like this. Maybe it's silly to think that controlling his optic blasts is just shutting his eyes, but it's what stopping him from hurting her and what's allowing Kotone to be this close to him. It's a claim that he wants to make, especially after Phoenix took over-- after he's been glitching to other Scotts the past month. It's nice to have that power and agency.]
I promise, we will. W-we'll be together.
[There's the unspoken part, the stuff that doesn't need mentioning, how they'll only be together as long as they're both here. But Scott doesn't want to say that. He doesn't need to clarify it anyway, not to Kotone of all people. They don't need that harsh reminder.
Instead, he moves one hand from her cheek to the back of her head, lightly guiding his fingers through her hair.] ...You've been through so much, Kotone.
[She inhales another shuddering breath and just nods. They both know it's not forever, but there's no point saying it again. They've said it often enough that they both know it without needing to say it, and right now, she doesn't think she could bear the verbal reminder.
They'll be together as long as this place allows. She can only hope that Scott disappears first from this place; if her being gone for two days was already so hard for him, then her being gone for good might break him. But imagining the same without him hurts too much and brings fresh tears swimming into her eyes so that all she can do when Scott adds that last part is just let out a little uncertain noise.
Has she been through a lot? It feels like it. But lots of people have been through a lot, even more than she has, so why should she complain? It doesn't help anything to feel sorry for herself, she learned that a long time ago. But Scott will get mad if she tries to tell him, "it's okay," so she doesn't know what to do other than shrug helplessly, trusting him to feel the motion even if he can't see it.]
You, too, [she mumbles finally, still gently pressing her fingers near his eyes. There's so much power hidden beneath his eyelids that he has to live with, every day. That, and the glitches, and losing himself -- he's been through just as much, she thinks.] But... I meant it. What I told Morph. [And it seems like both a long time ago, and just a few days ago, when the Gnosia-infected mutant had attacked them.] People like us don't get to take breaks.
[He, of course, catches onto those light movements she makes, so attuned to every small shift with the aide of having his eyes closed. Unsurprisingly, there's a small frown to Scott even though his face is still wet with his tears, but he doesn't outwardly get mad at her. Maybe after being her boyfriend for months now or just having that maturity grow, he's able to be patient while he continues to run his fingers through her hair.
Getting overly upset or angry with people never worked out for him. He doesn't want to be upset with her anyway, especially not after something so horrific. Not after she just came back from the doors of death. Things must be hard on her. Dying, coming back...]
...Right now you can.
[Scott quietly says, tone reassuring and supportive. He moves his other hand closer to her eyes, movement slow that he doesn't accidentally extend too far or painfully bump her.]
Because I said so. [Scott smiles a little, but he's fully sincere.] I'm with you-- Kotone.
[As in, he doesn't care that she's the leader of SEES. That she saved the world through her sacrifice. Important traits, sure, but he's loved her long before learning any of those things about her.]
[In spite of it all, she manages to huff a laugh, as watery as it is, and leans her cheek into his hand. Her own eyes close in a mirror of his, and she turns her head just enough to press her lips to his thumb in a lingering kiss.]
Okay, Leader, [she mumbles, and even with his eyes closed, he'll be able to feel the way her lips curve into an only-slightly-shaky smile. If Scott says to take a break, if Scott says the infection is cured and they don't have to rush to the next crisis -- then okay. She'll believe him.] Can we just... stay here a little while longer? Together.
[She has to find her tablet, she has to message Ryoji, and Minato, and find out if Shinji is okay, and check in with everyone else and the general state of the town, but for now -- maybe just for now -- she can let her whole world narrow to just Scott.]
[Scott lightly laughs at the 'leader' comment, the sound genuine but fragile, like it wouldn't take much for him to crumble against her. It's relieving that he's still able to do that after everything, like Phoenix didn't permanently take something from him. Can he say that he's stronger than her? It's nice to think so.]
We can stay here for just a while longer. I'll keep track for us.
[He won't keep track at all, just wanting to stay in this position with her for as long as possible or for as long as she wants. Even knowing her immeasurable strength, Scott can tell she's affected and emotional too in her own subtle way. He's relied on her a lot and just in the past hour, so he hopes that she can take back some of his energy and strength in return. He brushes a thumb past the corner of her eyes, gently comforting and yet encouraging, as if silently telling her that's okay if she cries.]
...You know I'll always wait for you until you want to talk about things.
[She huffs another shaky laugh when he says he'll keep track; they both know he'll do no such thing. But it's such a normal thing to say that it makes things feel normal, like she really had just woken up from a long nap after a nightmare.
She'll be okay, in time. She'd like to say it's for both their sakes, but it's not quite true, is it? She can be vulnerable with Scott, and he can be vulnerable with her. She knows she can talk to some of her other friends about things like this, especially the other wildcards, but it's somehow become easier with Scott. Maybe it's because they're so different; he doesn't get things the way Yu or Akira or Minato does, but he works through it and tries to understand from her perspective instead of drawing on his own experiences.
She loves him so much.]
What if I never wanna talk about it? [A soft murmur against his skin, and he might feel a hint of wetness from the tears that have gathered in her eyes but have yet to truly start falling. Her lips curve into a little bit of a helpless smile and she shakes her head.] Would that be okay...?
[Scott gently but firmly responds, almost like he's reminding her of that evening on the rooftop, last year in October. Yeah, of course he remembers that day and nearly everything that happened. He started off so upset with her and he assumed a lot of things, but then he learned so much, and then they promised. From then on, they were dating and his life really became better (and sadder and harder) for the most part. He can't imagine not talking to her in the first place.
Being honest is important, right?
His thumb nearly stops in place when he feels the gathering of tears in her eye, clearly surprised, but he luckily doesn't snap his eyes open or try and grab his sunglasses to see her. He keeps in place, gently stroking along her eye with care. He knows that Kotone isn't the type to break, but he wants to be tender with her.]
I-I just don't want you to feel like you need to shoulder everything on your own. [She admitted that to him before, how she always had to be strong for SEES. How she always had to be, honestly. He'll never forget that.] I love you so much. I... I hate the thought of you feeling alone.
[Another soft noise at the reminder of their promise. She knows they'd made a promise to tell each other everything, even if they think it's stupid, but... she just doesn't want to have to think about it. She doesn't want to figure out how to put it into words so she can talk about it. It's not that she thinks it's stupid, it's just hard.]
...As long as you're here, I won't feel alone, [she mumbles quietly, keeping her eyes closed and leaning gently into his hand. As long as he's here, she can keep going, keep living and breathing and wanting to be alive.] You're the most important person here to me, so...
[And that's just it, isn't it? Her whole world, narrowed down to one person. She still loves (almost) everyone in town, she still wants to do her best for everyone, but Scott is the singular most important person right now.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
I promise.
[She'd already made that promise before, and for her, nothing had changed since then. It would be wrong to say Scott's the only reason she's still alive right now, but sometimes it does feel like the most important thing to her continued existence. Again, she can't help but think about that moment of pitched terror when she'd realized she might have to keep on living without him. Closing her eyes, she leans down and seeks his lips with her own for a gentle, heartfelt kiss, her thumbs wiping once again at his tears as if somehow that gesture could ease his suffering and make it, if not better, then bearable.]
no subject
Even if her face will turn to disappointment soon, she promised she won't leave him. She'll still stay warm and alive above him and maybe that's more than what he should even ask for. It doesn't stop him from returning her kiss though, lips meeting hers that's familiar, but just a note more clingy. Tears continue to pass down his cheeks as his heart beats harder and faster, that stress battling his will to tell her what happened. She deserves to know.]
I...
[Tell her, Summers. Tell her now. He can feel his heart beat in his ears and--]
I didn't save Ryoji.
[And that's just the partial truth.
The full horridness of what actually happened is still hidden from her and he's going to tell her. He will. Just maybe for both of their sakes, he's only slowly admitting this. Scott's hand tightens in hers, not sure if it's for support, if it's so that she doesn't pull away, or just a little bit of both. He knows that she's going to take it hard, hearing that Ryoji died as well. They... they've always been important to each other.]
no subject
Several long, tense seconds pass, her fingertips squeezing his face as she wrestles with her own voice, before finally managing a quiet,] What happened...?
[Is it her fault...? Does Minato know?]
no subject
He wonders if she'll ever fully trust him again in this sort of situation and it pains him to think about. They've been working as a team for a while now and it's been something so encouraging and fulfilling. Maybe she won't leave, but she can still react in other ways that will hurt. It's making this all the more difficult and something sharp and jagged moves through his chest as that anxiety returns. He wants things to be normal between them, like nothing happened, even if it's incredibly selfish. She's always holding herself back for others and he doesn't want her to start doing it for him too.
He'll just watch her, even if something changes between them.]
...I.
[He's a murderer. Does it matter if it was Phoenix?? Ryoji still died. He was still the catalyst for that cosmic force to appear. Scott's not even sure whose to fully blame anyway. Him, Phoenix, the other Scott-- it's like what happened in the desert, right?]
I killed him. [Scott finally answers, nearly whispers. His admission's quiet, but is so definite in the silent air around them.]
no subject
The fact that he's dead doesn't quite eclipse the fact that it was Scott who'd done it. Her gaze had drifted somewhere away from his face as she'd wrestled with the idea of going to find Ryoji herself, but returns to Scott in short order, searching his face for any hint as to why. There's nothing to see there, though, and so she forces herself to ask aloud,] Why?
[Her voice is small, cracking slightly with emotion, but subtly, unconsciously, she's trying not to show how upset she really is. How upset she should be? It's a weird feeling she doesn't really know how to describe, but it hurts knowing that Ryoji might be out there somewhere.]
no subject
He doesn't want her to go. Even if she's upset with him.
Tears develop in his eyes once more, unable to stop himself even though he was trying so hard to keep himself stable for her. But try as he might, they start to spill down his cheeks as he looks at her. She's so upset, he can tell, even if she's trying hard to hold it. He... he doesn't want that, but it really is so painful to see her like this. Know that he's the one that made her feel this way. He's not sure if he can tell her to be more upset at him, yell her feelings, not as he feels so afraid himself.
Words begin to rush out of him, the mutant almost babbling as his hand tightens even further in hers.]
I-I didn't want to, Kotone. [He's pleading now, wanting her to know this even though some of it sounds like an excuse. He still killed Ryoji in the end, but he doesn't want to be that person. He's not that--] Please believe me... I didn't want to hurt him. So much was happening-- I-I was so hurt but I didn't, really-- I shifted and there was this burning force inside me--
[Or not really him, but another Scott, but he still remembers how it felt. Scott shakes his head, voice cracking further.] I... I didn't want to...
no subject
But she loves Scott, more than anything, and her brows pinch together as she tries to wrestle her own feelings back and once again focus more on him. She still doesn't understand, but the way he's trying to explain tugs at her heart and firms her lips. Minato has to know, right? And if his hunt for Sha-Ming had proved anything, it's that she can trust the other SEES leader to look for his friends. If other people are starting to come back, then... maybe she can leave Ryoji to Minato, for now. She'll message him later no matter what, but--]
What'd you mean, you shifted? [Her voice is still a little short in spite of her efforts to restrain her own feelings, but she loosens her grip, runs her fingers below his eyes again before letting them drift down to gently cover his lips.] I... I believe you.
[It's true. She does believe that Scott would never kill Ryoji on purpose, certainly not because of her. She trusts him too much for that, and she'd like to think she knows him better than that. His tears right now should be proof enough, right? More softly, she repeats,] I believe you didn't want to, but what happened...?
[She doesn't have to ask if Scott's "alright" in the aftermath, that much is obvious, but she doesn't even know what to say, let alone feel without knowing more.]
no subject
It's hard to keep quiet, to stop more words from pouring out from him. He can feel his lips shaking, on the verge of spilling that terrible day's events in a frantic manner, and only calming down when her fingers press against them. There's something soothing about the motion, even though she must be so distressed, but he can see the trust in her eyes and Scott can feel like he can breathe once more. Maybe enough to explain.]
I-I turned. I changed-- like those other times during the month. E-Except, he was different. [Not evil. Scott's sure about that (although he can't really discern any emotions from him during that time-- mostly because Phoenix latched onto his), but that other Scott came at the wrong time while holding something in him that shouldn't be there. It was like everything lined up to make it be the worst possible outcome.
With Ryoji burning. Scott shudders.]
But it wasn't him-- me, Kotone. I... Phoenix took control over us. [Of him?? Because she latched onto his feelings more than anything?? But it was that other Scott's body. He dissociated at some point and even now he has a hard time describing it.] S-she was there. Like when Professor Xavier died.
[The other Professor Xavier at least, the one whose death is still on his parchment.]
no subject
Phoenix. It's not the first time that name has caused Scott so much anguish, a cold anger taking root deep within her at the mention. She'd met a Scott before -- he'd been kind, a little confused, but funny and so like her own Scott that it almost broke her heart a little. Knowing there's a Scott out there with that force inside him, a force that took out its destructive power on Ryoji -- how could she be anything but furious?
It's scary, too, knowing how often her boyfriend has been glitching into other versions of himself. She'd been afraid with that other Scott that hers might be gone forever. It makes this time they have together all the more precious, even if her emotions are a confused tangled mess right in the center of her chest.
So she does the only thing she knows and leans down, presses a gentle kiss to his cheek, lingering there for a long time. It serves the extra purpose of hiding her own face as she tries to figure out what she could possibly say.]
It wasn't you, [she murmurs finally, with as much conviction as she can muster in her small voice.] It's not your fault.
[She has to believe that.]
no subject
And so he continues to weep.]
It wasn't me. [Scott repeats, wanting to fully believe it. More importantly, he wants Kotone to fully believe that too. He heard it in her voice, no matter how quiet it was, but he wants to keep hearing it. As if to assuage some of that pain that's in him, he starts letting out everything that's been on his mind, unable to stop himself now.]
I wanted to heal him-- I know I did. Everything was hurting-- but he's my friend too, Kotone. I. He wouldn't do something like that, I know. I wanted to save him but instead-- [At this point, he doesn't know if he can stop crying. A part of him feels pathetic, but he killed his friend. Brutally.] I-it was awful. I-- he almost hurt Ange too... I couldn't control anything. I wasn't even myself.
no subject
[Her heart aches, and she's so tired, but she knows Scott truly would never do anything like that to a friend. Not even to somebody he doesn't know, not anymore; not since their conversation after the desert. Scott has a big heart and feels everything so deeply; it's why she'd wanted to push him away from anything serious all those months ago, but look at them now. At least she can try to support him, even if he did kill her friend.
No. He didn't kill Ryoji. She has to believe that.
She collapses a little atop him, giving him the chance to bury his face into her shoulder or her chest if he wants to. These glitches... she has to do something about them, if not for Scott's sake, but to prevent anyone else from getting hurt. Ryoji and Ange are already proof of how dangerous Phoenix can be if she comes out at the wrong moment. Kotone takes a deep breath and squeezes her eyes shut, holding Scott close.]
We'll figure something out. [Beneath the anger and the pain, there's that familiar steely determination. Maybe Dara knows something, or maybe Peter can do something, but-- there has to be a solution.] We will. I don't want to lose you again.
no subject
Maybe dangerous to have his sunglasses off, but he'll keep his eyes shut. He'd never hurt her. He can't, he won't. Maybe he shouldn't be doing something like, not when he can possibly glitch once more, but Scott doesn't think about that. He wants to press his vulnerable and uncovered eyes against the warmth of her body. It's nice to think that Kotone still trusts him too.
Being fully embraced like this and hearing the determination in her voice, the anger still there but not fully directed at him anymore, pushes against that complicated bubble of emotions until they completely burst and Scott isn't holding anything back as he cries. Just like how she comforted him almost a year ago at the casino, after the desert events, he breaks down against her.]
I-I don't want to change again. I-I just want to be myself, with you. With everyone else. [He wants to feel normal again, even if it's impossible. At least he can be with her. That won't change.
...Not as long as they're both here.] I-I don't want to hurt anyone...
no subject
It's like a reversal of what had happened with Thanatos all those months ago. Now it's Scott who could glitch into someone who has an uncontrollable power within him that only wants to hurt. His sobs fracture something deep within her heart, making her gasp softly with her own emotion as she holds him close, tucking her chin in against his head and twining both hands into his hair. It's not fair that Scott is suffering like this. It's not fair for any of them, really, and there are so many people she'll have to check on. But Scott's her first priority.]
I don't want you to change either. I like you. [Exactly how he is. He doesn't have to be the leader of the X-Men or some cosmic force, but just Scott Summers. Whoever he decides to be for himself, that's enough for her. Her voice breaks a little with the quiet addition,] I love you. I wanna stay with you.
[If it happens again... hopefully she'll be there to stop him. If Phoenix was able to kill Ryoji, when Ryoji was so strong in his Gnosia form, she doesn't know how she could possibly stop Phoenix, but... well, she has to try. She has to be prepared for if it ever happens again.]
no subject
Maybe it's just so easy to remember how much he loves her. He's always liked her since they first met, but over time, those feelings developed from a simple crush to something genuine. It's now to a point that he has a hard time thinking he'd ever feel this way towards anyone else. Not to mention that she loves him back. She doesn't care about all those extra things that have made his life more complicated, she still loves him. It means so much, now more than ever.]
I love you. [He says once, then repeats.] I love you, Kotone. I-I just want to be with you.
[He just wants to go on dates with her, eat at the diner, watch movies, return to something normal. For a while, after Ryoji pierced her chest, after he glitched into Phoenix, all of that felt impossible. Scott wants to hope that they can do those things once more after all this. He doesn't want to lose that part of their life together.]
no subject
She can't be with him forever. But she wants to be with him until the end of her life. That's selfish, isn't it? But as her own chest heaves a bit with the force of her own emotions bubbling up from within, she's forced to admit that it's the truth. She squeezes her eyes tightly shut and keeps her grip on him as steady as she can, even if her hands are starting to shake.]
Me, too. [And her voice is a whisper, fiercely possessive. Everything feels too much, like her nerves have been rubbed raw, catching her breath in her lungs until it's hard to breathe. She doesn't want to be in Aldrip without Scott. When had that happened? People always leave eventually, she'd accepted that, over and over again, but she doesn't want to go through it all without him anymore.]
'M sorry.
[Another whisper, more ragged than before, and even if he asked, she doesn't think she could put into words all the things she's sorry for as tears gather behind closed eyelids. Sorry glitched into another Scott and couldn't save Ryoji. Sorry she couldn't protect either of them. Sorry she died. Sorry she'll die long before he will.]
Sorry...
no subject
But Scott doesn't let that stop him, pulling up from her chest with his eyes still closed. He's mostly facing towards her as she whispers her apologies, listening to the quietness of her voice with his heart clenching all the while. Perhaps humorously, he lightly bumps her cheek with his hand, but soon he's cupping her face with a gentle grip, a small frown tugging at the corner of his lips even as the occasional tear continues to slide down from his eyelids.]
I know-- it's not your fault. Nothing is. [Scott sounds a little more put together, although he's still choked up. It's not surprising to hear Kotone taking fault for what happened because she cares so much about people-- her friends. Of course she'd be taking this hard and that's not even touching the fact that she died just a couple of days ago. All of that sounds so difficult to touch upon or even start processing, so swipes his thumb across her cheek as he repeats himself.]
It's okay. I'm here-- we're here.
no subject
She leans down and gently kisses away those tears as if that could somehow help her not cry herself. It doesn't really work, the visible reminder of how much Scott had suffered only making her lip tremble, but she does try, mirroring his gesture and cupping his cheek once again. She kisses the corner of his eye, his eyelids, his forehead, lingering there for a long moment and just trying to breathe.]
I don't wanna be here without you. [It bursts out in a rush as this time, she's the one to duck her head, pressing her nose into his shoulder and fighting to keep her tears from spilling.] I just wanna be with you...
no subject
She's so close to his powers like this, but she's safe. He can control them like this. Maybe it's silly to think that controlling his optic blasts is just shutting his eyes, but it's what stopping him from hurting her and what's allowing Kotone to be this close to him. It's a claim that he wants to make, especially after Phoenix took over-- after he's been glitching to other Scotts the past month. It's nice to have that power and agency.]
I promise, we will. W-we'll be together.
[There's the unspoken part, the stuff that doesn't need mentioning, how they'll only be together as long as they're both here. But Scott doesn't want to say that. He doesn't need to clarify it anyway, not to Kotone of all people. They don't need that harsh reminder.
Instead, he moves one hand from her cheek to the back of her head, lightly guiding his fingers through her hair.] ...You've been through so much, Kotone.
no subject
They'll be together as long as this place allows. She can only hope that Scott disappears first from this place; if her being gone for two days was already so hard for him, then her being gone for good might break him. But imagining the same without him hurts too much and brings fresh tears swimming into her eyes so that all she can do when Scott adds that last part is just let out a little uncertain noise.
Has she been through a lot? It feels like it. But lots of people have been through a lot, even more than she has, so why should she complain? It doesn't help anything to feel sorry for herself, she learned that a long time ago. But Scott will get mad if she tries to tell him, "it's okay," so she doesn't know what to do other than shrug helplessly, trusting him to feel the motion even if he can't see it.]
You, too, [she mumbles finally, still gently pressing her fingers near his eyes. There's so much power hidden beneath his eyelids that he has to live with, every day. That, and the glitches, and losing himself -- he's been through just as much, she thinks.] But... I meant it. What I told Morph. [And it seems like both a long time ago, and just a few days ago, when the Gnosia-infected mutant had attacked them.] People like us don't get to take breaks.
no subject
Getting overly upset or angry with people never worked out for him. He doesn't want to be upset with her anyway, especially not after something so horrific. Not after she just came back from the doors of death. Things must be hard on her. Dying, coming back...]
...Right now you can.
[Scott quietly says, tone reassuring and supportive. He moves his other hand closer to her eyes, movement slow that he doesn't accidentally extend too far or painfully bump her.]
Because I said so. [Scott smiles a little, but he's fully sincere.] I'm with you-- Kotone.
[As in, he doesn't care that she's the leader of SEES. That she saved the world through her sacrifice. Important traits, sure, but he's loved her long before learning any of those things about her.]
no subject
Okay, Leader, [she mumbles, and even with his eyes closed, he'll be able to feel the way her lips curve into an only-slightly-shaky smile. If Scott says to take a break, if Scott says the infection is cured and they don't have to rush to the next crisis -- then okay. She'll believe him.] Can we just... stay here a little while longer? Together.
[She has to find her tablet, she has to message Ryoji, and Minato, and find out if Shinji is okay, and check in with everyone else and the general state of the town, but for now -- maybe just for now -- she can let her whole world narrow to just Scott.]
no subject
We can stay here for just a while longer. I'll keep track for us.
[He won't keep track at all, just wanting to stay in this position with her for as long as possible or for as long as she wants. Even knowing her immeasurable strength, Scott can tell she's affected and emotional too in her own subtle way. He's relied on her a lot and just in the past hour, so he hopes that she can take back some of his energy and strength in return. He brushes a thumb past the corner of her eyes, gently comforting and yet encouraging, as if silently telling her that's okay if she cries.]
...You know I'll always wait for you until you want to talk about things.
no subject
She'll be okay, in time. She'd like to say it's for both their sakes, but it's not quite true, is it? She can be vulnerable with Scott, and he can be vulnerable with her. She knows she can talk to some of her other friends about things like this, especially the other wildcards, but it's somehow become easier with Scott. Maybe it's because they're so different; he doesn't get things the way Yu or Akira or Minato does, but he works through it and tries to understand from her perspective instead of drawing on his own experiences.
She loves him so much.]
What if I never wanna talk about it? [A soft murmur against his skin, and he might feel a hint of wetness from the tears that have gathered in her eyes but have yet to truly start falling. Her lips curve into a little bit of a helpless smile and she shakes her head.] Would that be okay...?
no subject
[Scott gently but firmly responds, almost like he's reminding her of that evening on the rooftop, last year in October. Yeah, of course he remembers that day and nearly everything that happened. He started off so upset with her and he assumed a lot of things, but then he learned so much, and then they promised. From then on, they were dating and his life really became better (and sadder and harder) for the most part. He can't imagine not talking to her in the first place.
Being honest is important, right?
His thumb nearly stops in place when he feels the gathering of tears in her eye, clearly surprised, but he luckily doesn't snap his eyes open or try and grab his sunglasses to see her. He keeps in place, gently stroking along her eye with care. He knows that Kotone isn't the type to break, but he wants to be tender with her.]
I-I just don't want you to feel like you need to shoulder everything on your own. [She admitted that to him before, how she always had to be strong for SEES. How she always had to be, honestly. He'll never forget that.] I love you so much. I... I hate the thought of you feeling alone.
no subject
...As long as you're here, I won't feel alone, [she mumbles quietly, keeping her eyes closed and leaning gently into his hand. As long as he's here, she can keep going, keep living and breathing and wanting to be alive.] You're the most important person here to me, so...
[And that's just it, isn't it? Her whole world, narrowed down to one person. She still loves (almost) everyone in town, she still wants to do her best for everyone, but Scott is the singular most important person right now.]
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)