[She has to take in a quiet breath, because while he might not sound accusatory, that is a little how that reminder feels. She squeezes her eyes tightly shut and swallows hard, not able to answer immediately. She'd almost killed him, back then. She hadn't even realized what was happening or what she was doing, but she'd almost killed him. That he hadn't hated or resented her after that was...
Gritting her teeth, she forces herself to take another breath in and shake her head, even if he can't see it.]
If you do, I'll stop you. [And there's an edge of steel beneath her voice, because if she has to -- she will. Whether that means running for Dazai's help, or taking him down herself... she'll do it.] By the time you can take your glasses off, I can change my Persona.
[It would be a scramble, and she's not as confident as she's forcing herself to sound, but even if she can-- mentally, she rotates through her Personas. Scott's said before that his optic blasts are more of a physical strike, not a fire attack -- it explains why it had hurt so much when he'd used them on Thanatos, but it hadn't killed her. Thanatos resists physical damage. But Sandalphon blocks it.
Maybe that could work. They'll have to test it. But she can't do that unless-]
If you lose control of your powers, you'll need someone with you to stop you. Let me be that person, Scott, please...
[A complex swell of emotions builds in his chest hearing her conviction. It's almost a little scary, in a way, to know how ready Kotone is, but more than that, it's... reassuring. He doesn't have to worry about her going easy on him in case his powers become uncontrollable or if he becomes evil or something, she'll do what she has to even though they love each other. And he knows that she'll be able to take him down, she's fought fucking gods and everything and he's just a mutant. He probably doesn't stand a chance.
God, this is starting to feel like something out of some tragic romance movie, a thought that would normally make Scott snort, but he's really serious about this. Now, the next step is to... really trust her. Let her in again. Although, this is a little more than just promising to tell each other anything, even if they think it's stupid.
Or maybe it's not.
Swallowing past the tight knot in his throat, he pulls his head away from the door and shakily reaches for the doorknob, nearly forcing his hand to clench around the cool material. He trusts her, he believes in her, and more importantly, he... does want her here. The perhaps relieving sound of a door unlocking resounds between them as Scott slowly opens the door, although it's just a crack.]
...You promise, Kotone? [His voice is quiet, edged with wanting reassurance from her. If she looks past the small crack, she can see that his head is tilted towards the ground, not feeling brave enough to really look at her or fully open the door yet. Kotone may also notice that the tips of his fingers are black, and those undetermined patterns snake up his hand until they're hidden behind his sleeves.]
[He really is scared, isn't he...? She doesn't have to see his face to know that. Distantly, somewhere beneath the urgency, she's scared, too. She remembers what the corruption had felt like -- her back itches, where the symbol had lurked on her skin without her knowledge until finally bleeding forward onto her chest when the corruption took hold. At least Scott knows. At least they can try to do something this time.
Her breath escapes in a quiet little exhale of relief when he cracks the door open, and as much as she wants to just shove her way inside, she knows this has to be important to him. It has to be his choice, not just her shoving his wants aside. Not for something like this. Her eyes go immediately to what she can see, taking in the sight of the black skin of his hand with a sinking feeling. And yet-]
I promise.
[There's no hesitation. This isn't like when Ryoji was begging her to kill him for hers and her friends' sakes. This is about Scott. If he hurts anyone, if he kills anyone, it'll destroy him.
She won't kill him, not if there's any other way. But she will stop him. She doesn't force the door open any wider, just lets her fingers press into the frame to stop him from closing it (or at least discourage him if he doesn't want to pinch her fingers).]
[He lets her promise settle in the dead weight of the air for a moment, with Scott keeping silent again. But it's not too long before there's a small little nod, one that may be easy to miss, before he slowly starts to open the door wider for her. He doesn't say anything, but the invitation is clear, even as he remains still in the entryway. Maybe for the first time, he doesn't look happy to see her as his eyes dart to hers for a moment before turning downward again, but there was still some unquestionable relief there, something that Kotone might've noticed.
He hates facing things alone and her presence here confirms that he doesn't have to. It's nice... and he's so lucky, isn't he? He wonders if this was how she felt before her markings started to acted up, and it hurts to think she dealt with it by herself. He didn't even think to check on her back then. Hopefully Akira or someone did.
Feeling somewhat self-conscious all of a sudden, Scott pulls his sleeve down, as if trying to hide the corruption that's seeped into his skin.]
[The moment the door is open, she's crossing the threshold and wrapping her arms around his shoulders, pulling him into a tight hug. There hadn't been anyone there for her when she'd finally realized she had the markings. It was too late to tell Dazai by the time she'd realized, and she wouldn't have wanted to bother Shinjiro with it back then, so...
She gets it. She knows why he wanted to hide away. But that doesn't mean she'll let him do it, and the fact that he opened the door on his own means he doesn't want to be alone, either. Right?
Shaking her head to dismiss the apology, she squeezes him more tightly, tightly enough that it might hurt.] Thanks for letting me in. I know it's hard.
[He's warm, and solid, and... she loves him. She doesn't want to hurt him, any more than she'd wanted to hurt Ryoji. Her nostrils flare with a sudden bout of emotion that she tries to swallow down as she keeps him close. No. She'll find a way to stop him. Without killing him.]
[Scott can't stop the full body shudder as Kotone wraps her arms around him, pulling him into a familiar hug that both stresses him and comforts him. She's truly here, but also now firmly at risk. The battling feelings stretch his emotions to the point that a loose sob escapes past his lips and once again, he feels so pathetic that he couldn't handle this by himself. Still, he can't find himself regretting his choice as he soaks in her presence, her steady and firm grip almost a balm to everything he's feeling, although he doesn't magically feel better either.
There's still that self-hatred, some guilt, along with a strange detachment that he doesn't know how to describe. Maybe that's the worst part. He felt it more when he was talking to Marianne and it was nearly consuming when he was sitting here by himself, completely isolated. It really only disappeared when his concern for Kotone was pushed to the top, but now it's back, nearly co-existing with his worry.
He's used to feeling all sorts of emotions, but... not like this. It's distracting enough that he doesn't really say anything to how tightly she holds him, but Scott sort of welcomes it anyway even though he hasn't returned her hug yet.]
Is... is this how you felt?
[Scott asks quietly, referring to when she had the markings. Maybe it'll be good for him to know, but also... he wants to ask how she felt and everything because it's important. They really haven't talked about that incident since it happened.]
[It's okay if he doesn't hug her back. She'll hug him enough for the both of them, gently rubbing his back with her thumb as she keeps that tight grip.
But she shakes her head, takes a breath as she forces herself to think back to when it had been her.]
I didn't know I had it, [she murmurs, her voice still quiet and calm. Again, her back itches, and she desperately wants to check to make sure she's not infected, but- later. Scott takes first priority.] Mine was on my back. It wasn't anywhere anyone could see until it was too late.
[She keeps rubbing small circles with her thumb against his back, wishing their roles were reversed. If she could take it away from him, she'd do it in a heartbeat. She can manage this kind of thing. It would be hard for him, but not as bad as losing control himself. Still, it's a useless wish, and she just presses her lips together rather than voice it.]
How do you feel? [she asks instead, because he said he hadn't felt like himself. He didn't sound like himself earlier either, but maybe that's just because he was scared of worrying her? It backfired spectacularly if so but-!]
[His worry returns, pulling that dullness away again, when she mentions her previous experience. On her back, huh? Shouldn't he check? He probably should, especially since she's now in contact with him. It's possible that he's already spreading whatever this is to her and he nearly shoves her away from that single thought, but... he's already let her in. It's probably too late, or he's just making excuses now, because every passing rub against his back is soothing and he doesn't want it to end. He really feels better with her, even now.
He's so selfish--]
We should check.
[He says quietly, because he's not so self-involved right now to completely ignore Kotone's safety. Besides, if she's started to get infected too, then... guess he should also worry about her losing control again. He's at least faced Thanatos before, although Scott's not sure if he's really all that much better prepared now compared to those months ago. Besides, he wouldn't use his powers right now, even if it means he'd get hurt. It's better him than her, even if that would also make her upset.
The thought makes him shut his eyes, and he brings up one hand to lightly place against the small of her back, just holding her without pulling her close. He doesn't need any intimate contact, this feels enough.]
...It's hard to describe. [If anything else, at least Scott remains mostly honest about his feelings, telling her straight about how he's feeling.] Like I... don't really want to do anything. Just thinking about stuff that I usually don't try to think about, like losing you. Feeling... I don't know.
[It's another gentle, but firm order. This isn't about her right now, and yeah, they'll have to check and see if she's infected later, but... it doesn't have to be right this second. It doesn't even have to be today. What's more important is making sure Scott is okay.
But oh. Yeah, it is hard to describe, but she suspects she knows exactly what that feeling is.]
Feeling like nothing matters? [she asks softly, resting her chin on his shoulder and feeling her heart squeeze a little painfully. It's a feeling she'd almost gotten used to, but after talking with Dazai a while back, something she knows now that not everybody feels -- at least, not all the time. And Scott feels everything so strongly, this kind of emotional numbness must be hard for him, huh...?]
[A part of him wants to argue, but no protests emerge from the sullen teen as he keeps quiet, silently following her order. He has no energy, not to mention it's hard for him to argue against her in the first place. Guess she wouldn't be affected that quickly anyway... and he'll be sure to keep an eye on her fingers. See if those terrible markings start showing up on her.
He hopes to whatever god out there that she somehow stays okay. It seems improbable, since she's close to him now, but maybe this place will at least be nice to her for once.]
...Yeah, actually. [His face tilts somewhat, trying to get a glimpse of her expression as she rests her chin against him. She... pretty much nailed it right on the head, almost immediately, and something dull but still painful curls around his heart because of that. He's glad she understands, but also. What does that really mean? An acute pain throbs in his chest, because even though nothing seems to really matter, it still hurts.]
[The right answer is to lie to him. Tell him no, she doesn't! Dazai's told her about it, though. The answer that's going to make him feel better, or at least, the answer that won't make him worry, would be to lie to him. She knows this; it's so obvious.
But he won't want to hear that. They'd promised to tell each other the truth. She exhales quietly against his shoulder and tilts her face to meet his gaze. Though she can't see his eyes, he can see hers, and within, the unmasked weariness that she usually tries to hide.]
Sometimes. [One corner of her lips quirks up into a resigned little smile.] For a really long time, I thought everybody felt that way. It's not until I got older that I realized.
[It's a look he's only seen a few times on her, and usually, he was in a better mindset to help pull her out of it. Or guess that's not really correct, since she still feels like this, but least be able to support her. Now, he just sort of wants to sink into that exhaustion with her, close his eyes and not get up.]
It feels so... hard.
[Scott's not eloquent enough to describe how it feels, but it's a lot, ironically enough. Feeling like nothing really matters, feeling dull against the brightness of the day... he really doesn't know what to do with this. It's hard to think Kotone feels like this so often and a tired little frown meets her resigned smile.]
How do you cope with it? Do... I help at all with that feeling?
[Normally, Scott would be hurt knowing that she feels like this, despite them being together, despite being in love, but... he's feeling that way now and can't stop it. And he still loves her and everything. He doesn't want her to go away.]
[It is hard. There's no point denying it when he can feel it like this. There's no way of knowing if it's exactly the same feeling that she still has sometimes, but it sounds close enough that she can sympathize, reaching up with one hand to gently smooth her thumb against that frown. She's not expecting him to return it, but she tilts her head and presses a gentle, chaste kiss to his lips as if in reassurance.]
I spend time with my friends, [she says simply, stroking her thumb along his cheek, tracing beneath his the lens of his glasses.] If everyone else is having fun, it's easier to feel like it, too. If someone else is sad, it's easier to feel sad with them. I go out and I keep busy so my mind doesn't get stuck just thinking about... other stuff.
[The last bit is a quiet admission. This stuff is hard to talk about, even for her -- maybe especially for her -- but it's important for him to hear, she thinks.]
[While he doesn't fully return the energy of her kiss, his mouth still moves in response, following her lead rather than continuing the kiss or making it more heated or intimate between them. It's more of just like trying to react in some way, so that she's not kissing a mannequin. How awful would that be? Granted, there's still that warmth he's producing, along with the softness of his lips, the corruption not taking that away from him.
Plus... he still likes it. Wants it.
With his eyes slipping shut, he tilts his face into her gentle tracing, allowing her to explore as she wishes. At least the markings haven't appeared there, still relegated to his fingers and arms.]
...It sounds exhausting being around others right now. [He admits, quietly, the appeal of seeing any of his friends here at an all time low. Maybe it's the fear of hurting them, but also... it's that crushing emptiness as well. Kotone is really the only person he wants to be around, and she had to push her way in.]
By 'other stuff,' do you mean... just one day leaving here? [His voice is low, barely audible, because this is one of his least favorite topics. It always will be. Something that he's acknowledged, but rarely ever wants to think about. However, Scott can't stop himself from rambling just slightly about it.]
Leaving everyone behind. Possibly never to see them again. [His hand drops from her back, leaving his arms by his sides as he almost stares into the ground.]
[At least he kisses her back. Honestly, she wasn't expecting it, even if it's not as full of emotion as it normally is from him. Like going through the motions -- but at least he's trying. That's a step forward, she thinks. Or if not forward, at least not backward, either.]
It can be, sometimes, [she admits, fingertips moving back to stroke gently through his hair with a quiet sigh. She leans up and presses her forehead into his, as if she could somehow give him her strength through that alone.] But... sometimes I can borrow everyone else's energy.
[But she just nods, a small motion more felt than seen, both hands looping around his shoulders and twining into his hair with a quiet sigh.] That's part of it. Or thinking about the people who didn't make it as far as I did, or even just thinking about how much stuff sucks sometimes. It'd be way easier to stay in bed.
[It's a little hard to see Kotone needing energy from others, when she's so... vibrant and energetic herself. But Scott knows better, that there's something exhausted in her as well, even before all this. Now, however, he... thinks he can understand it, the drain of not wanting to do anything, and it really only makes him believe that she's even stronger. If she's dealing with this more often and still getting up each day... she's really amazing.
Although, maybe she should just lie in bed a couple of days. Maybe he can do that with her. That could be nice... especially since he just wants to do that right now. His eyes close once more at the thought, before Scott lowers his forehead against hers, as if trying to feel what she wants him to feel.]
Can I borrow your energy? [...] Or maybe we can just... lie in bed. That's okay now, right? You don't have to force yourself to be happy around me.
[It's a simple answer for a simple feeling. No, being with him doesn't magically make everything better, but he makes her smile, makes her laugh, makes her genuinely want to see him every day. She wants to see what every new day holds with him.
Her fingers massage gently against the back of his neck, as if she could somehow transfer her own strength into him with just her touch, and she bumps her nose lightly against his.] You can have as much of my energy as you need.
[Her words draws Scott's gaze from the ground, instead fixating on that supporting smile on her face and truly seeing that she's not just saying that to make him feel better. Not that he doubts their connection, but it's still nice to hear. She really is strong, someone so special... and she's here for him. For a moment, he can feel the haze around his mind dissipate and he almost smiles at her, because even in a corrupted state, Scott's so easily affected by her affection and words. It doesn't quite get there, but she may still notice the way his body eases against hers.
But since he can take some of her energy... he lowers his head down so that he's gently pressed against her shoulder, with one of his arms coming back up to wrap around her waist. He's fine like this, although Scott, this may be the opposite of having energy--]
You really don't mind being around me when I'm like this...?
She shifts, just a little, to accommodate the change in position, but just keeps holding him. If this is what he needs right now, that's what he'll get. One hand stays in his hair, the other gently rubs his back in a gesture she really hopes he takes as soothing and not childish.]
Of course I don't mind. We'll get it taken care of, I promise.
[She tilts her head and lets it press against his with a quiet exhale. No, she doesn't know how yet, but... they'll think of something. Dazai will know what to do.]
Just... please don't shut me out again, okay? Not on purpose.
[Is that really a promise that she can keep...? Granted, things like this do get resolved eventually (at least so far), before something else happens and then they have to deal with that. But... can they really hope that nothing bad will happen, that he won't lose control and hurt the people he cares about? His thoughts turn south and the normal optimism in him doesn't step up, but he nonetheless nods his head against her. Even if he doesn't believe it fully, he'll at least believe in Kotone.
And... that counts for something. He trusts her at least. As she said, she'll stop him if need be.]
...I really scared you, huh?
[Maybe he would've teased her some other day, but now isn't the appropriate time.]
[Listen, one way or another, it's getting taken care of. No matter what she has to do. There's a bit of a shudder in her breath with that resolution, but she'll do it. For his sake, if nothing else.
She huffs a little humorless laugh through her nose and turns her head to lightly press her lips to his cheek.]
I was worried. You've never shut me out like that before.
[She knows she's done it to him, if not physically with a door, definitely emotionally more than once.]
[While Scott still doesn't exactly smile, his voice carries a tone that edges just a bit lighter compared to earlier, as if recalling something humorous. In a way, it is, his inability to really block Kotone from his life. Maybe kind of pathetic, but he really loves her. That feeling is still there, present in his heart. He has no doubts. Even if she shuts him out sometimes, he at least believes in that emotion above all else.
As if pulling some sort of resolve, he straightens himself up just slightly, maybe taking some of that energy she offered.]
[That patheticness is charming, though, in a way! And in this moment, even knowing how heavy his emotions must feel, that he can still manage to be a little lighter when talking about her -- it's equal parts endearing and stressful. She doesn't want to let him down, no matter what.
She smiles a bit when he straightens that little bit, shifting just enough to take his hands in her own and squeeze them both gently.]
Then will you come outside with me? Sometimes being sad outside doesn't feel as crushing as being sad inside.
[Scott's face immediately turns downward, his face scrunching at the thought of going outside. That just sounds tiring, if anything, especially since it's still pretty cold outside and he's not even really dressed for that. He could just throw on his heavier jacket and that'd probably be enough, but that's still more work.
But she's trying, for him, and Scott doesn't want to just push that away. Kotone has pushed past his attempts to shut her out and planted her feet squarely next to him despite everything, maybe because of everything. He wants to spend time with her now, at least before things get worse. Living each day to the fullest... right? Even now.]
...Can we just stand outside for a little while? [He asks quietly.] I don't know if I want to go walking around.
[Yeah, that's enough. It's not as much as she's hoping for, but it's something, a break from stagnation. The people who'd suffered from Apathy Syndrome seemed to just stop where they stood, so... if he can keep moving, maybe he'll be okay.
She cups his cheeks and gives him another kiss, once again as if she might somehow impart some of her own energy to him. If only it was that easy, right? But in short order, she takes his hand and tugs gently.]
C'mon. We can at least go be sad in the fresh air.
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Gritting her teeth, she forces herself to take another breath in and shake her head, even if he can't see it.]
If you do, I'll stop you. [And there's an edge of steel beneath her voice, because if she has to -- she will. Whether that means running for Dazai's help, or taking him down herself... she'll do it.] By the time you can take your glasses off, I can change my Persona.
[It would be a scramble, and she's not as confident as she's forcing herself to sound, but even if she can-- mentally, she rotates through her Personas. Scott's said before that his optic blasts are more of a physical strike, not a fire attack -- it explains why it had hurt so much when he'd used them on Thanatos, but it hadn't killed her. Thanatos resists physical damage. But Sandalphon blocks it.
Maybe that could work. They'll have to test it. But she can't do that unless-]
If you lose control of your powers, you'll need someone with you to stop you. Let me be that person, Scott, please...
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God, this is starting to feel like something out of some tragic romance movie, a thought that would normally make Scott snort, but he's really serious about this. Now, the next step is to... really trust her. Let her in again. Although, this is a little more than just promising to tell each other anything, even if they think it's stupid.
Or maybe it's not.
Swallowing past the tight knot in his throat, he pulls his head away from the door and shakily reaches for the doorknob, nearly forcing his hand to clench around the cool material. He trusts her, he believes in her, and more importantly, he... does want her here. The perhaps relieving sound of a door unlocking resounds between them as Scott slowly opens the door, although it's just a crack.]
...You promise, Kotone? [His voice is quiet, edged with wanting reassurance from her. If she looks past the small crack, she can see that his head is tilted towards the ground, not feeling brave enough to really look at her or fully open the door yet. Kotone may also notice that the tips of his fingers are black, and those undetermined patterns snake up his hand until they're hidden behind his sleeves.]
That you'll stop me.
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Her breath escapes in a quiet little exhale of relief when he cracks the door open, and as much as she wants to just shove her way inside, she knows this has to be important to him. It has to be his choice, not just her shoving his wants aside. Not for something like this. Her eyes go immediately to what she can see, taking in the sight of the black skin of his hand with a sinking feeling. And yet-]
I promise.
[There's no hesitation. This isn't like when Ryoji was begging her to kill him for hers and her friends' sakes. This is about Scott. If he hurts anyone, if he kills anyone, it'll destroy him.
She won't kill him, not if there's any other way. But she will stop him. She doesn't force the door open any wider, just lets her fingers press into the frame to stop him from closing it (or at least discourage him if he doesn't want to pinch her fingers).]
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He hates facing things alone and her presence here confirms that he doesn't have to. It's nice... and he's so lucky, isn't he? He wonders if this was how she felt before her markings started to acted up, and it hurts to think she dealt with it by herself. He didn't even think to check on her back then. Hopefully Akira or someone did.
Feeling somewhat self-conscious all of a sudden, Scott pulls his sleeve down, as if trying to hide the corruption that's seeped into his skin.]
I'm sorry.
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She gets it. She knows why he wanted to hide away. But that doesn't mean she'll let him do it, and the fact that he opened the door on his own means he doesn't want to be alone, either. Right?
Shaking her head to dismiss the apology, she squeezes him more tightly, tightly enough that it might hurt.] Thanks for letting me in. I know it's hard.
[He's warm, and solid, and... she loves him. She doesn't want to hurt him, any more than she'd wanted to hurt Ryoji. Her nostrils flare with a sudden bout of emotion that she tries to swallow down as she keeps him close. No. She'll find a way to stop him. Without killing him.]
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There's still that self-hatred, some guilt, along with a strange detachment that he doesn't know how to describe. Maybe that's the worst part. He felt it more when he was talking to Marianne and it was nearly consuming when he was sitting here by himself, completely isolated. It really only disappeared when his concern for Kotone was pushed to the top, but now it's back, nearly co-existing with his worry.
He's used to feeling all sorts of emotions, but... not like this. It's distracting enough that he doesn't really say anything to how tightly she holds him, but Scott sort of welcomes it anyway even though he hasn't returned her hug yet.]
Is... is this how you felt?
[Scott asks quietly, referring to when she had the markings. Maybe it'll be good for him to know, but also... he wants to ask how she felt and everything because it's important. They really haven't talked about that incident since it happened.]
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But she shakes her head, takes a breath as she forces herself to think back to when it had been her.]
I didn't know I had it, [she murmurs, her voice still quiet and calm. Again, her back itches, and she desperately wants to check to make sure she's not infected, but- later. Scott takes first priority.] Mine was on my back. It wasn't anywhere anyone could see until it was too late.
[She keeps rubbing small circles with her thumb against his back, wishing their roles were reversed. If she could take it away from him, she'd do it in a heartbeat. She can manage this kind of thing. It would be hard for him, but not as bad as losing control himself. Still, it's a useless wish, and she just presses her lips together rather than voice it.]
How do you feel? [she asks instead, because he said he hadn't felt like himself. He didn't sound like himself earlier either, but maybe that's just because he was scared of worrying her? It backfired spectacularly if so but-!]
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He's so selfish--]
We should check.
[He says quietly, because he's not so self-involved right now to completely ignore Kotone's safety. Besides, if she's started to get infected too, then... guess he should also worry about her losing control again. He's at least faced Thanatos before, although Scott's not sure if he's really all that much better prepared now compared to those months ago. Besides, he wouldn't use his powers right now, even if it means he'd get hurt. It's better him than her, even if that would also make her upset.
The thought makes him shut his eyes, and he brings up one hand to lightly place against the small of her back, just holding her without pulling her close. He doesn't need any intimate contact, this feels enough.]
...It's hard to describe. [If anything else, at least Scott remains mostly honest about his feelings, telling her straight about how he's feeling.] Like I... don't really want to do anything. Just thinking about stuff that I usually don't try to think about, like losing you. Feeling... I don't know.
cw: depression talk
[It's another gentle, but firm order. This isn't about her right now, and yeah, they'll have to check and see if she's infected later, but... it doesn't have to be right this second. It doesn't even have to be today. What's more important is making sure Scott is okay.
But oh. Yeah, it is hard to describe, but she suspects she knows exactly what that feeling is.]
Feeling like nothing matters? [she asks softly, resting her chin on his shoulder and feeling her heart squeeze a little painfully. It's a feeling she'd almost gotten used to, but after talking with Dazai a while back, something she knows now that not everybody feels -- at least, not all the time. And Scott feels everything so strongly, this kind of emotional numbness must be hard for him, huh...?]
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He hopes to whatever god out there that she somehow stays okay. It seems improbable, since she's close to him now, but maybe this place will at least be nice to her for once.]
...Yeah, actually. [His face tilts somewhat, trying to get a glimpse of her expression as she rests her chin against him. She... pretty much nailed it right on the head, almost immediately, and something dull but still painful curls around his heart because of that. He's glad she understands, but also. What does that really mean? An acute pain throbs in his chest, because even though nothing seems to really matter, it still hurts.]
Do you... feel that way a lot?
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But he won't want to hear that. They'd promised to tell each other the truth. She exhales quietly against his shoulder and tilts her face to meet his gaze. Though she can't see his eyes, he can see hers, and within, the unmasked weariness that she usually tries to hide.]
Sometimes. [One corner of her lips quirks up into a resigned little smile.] For a really long time, I thought everybody felt that way. It's not until I got older that I realized.
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It feels so... hard.
[Scott's not eloquent enough to describe how it feels, but it's a lot, ironically enough. Feeling like nothing really matters, feeling dull against the brightness of the day... he really doesn't know what to do with this. It's hard to think Kotone feels like this so often and a tired little frown meets her resigned smile.]
How do you cope with it? Do... I help at all with that feeling?
[Normally, Scott would be hurt knowing that she feels like this, despite them being together, despite being in love, but... he's feeling that way now and can't stop it. And he still loves her and everything. He doesn't want her to go away.]
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[It is hard. There's no point denying it when he can feel it like this. There's no way of knowing if it's exactly the same feeling that she still has sometimes, but it sounds close enough that she can sympathize, reaching up with one hand to gently smooth her thumb against that frown. She's not expecting him to return it, but she tilts her head and presses a gentle, chaste kiss to his lips as if in reassurance.]
I spend time with my friends, [she says simply, stroking her thumb along his cheek, tracing beneath his the lens of his glasses.] If everyone else is having fun, it's easier to feel like it, too. If someone else is sad, it's easier to feel sad with them. I go out and I keep busy so my mind doesn't get stuck just thinking about... other stuff.
[The last bit is a quiet admission. This stuff is hard to talk about, even for her -- maybe especially for her -- but it's important for him to hear, she thinks.]
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Plus... he still likes it. Wants it.
With his eyes slipping shut, he tilts his face into her gentle tracing, allowing her to explore as she wishes. At least the markings haven't appeared there, still relegated to his fingers and arms.]
...It sounds exhausting being around others right now. [He admits, quietly, the appeal of seeing any of his friends here at an all time low. Maybe it's the fear of hurting them, but also... it's that crushing emptiness as well. Kotone is really the only person he wants to be around, and she had to push her way in.]
By 'other stuff,' do you mean... just one day leaving here? [His voice is low, barely audible, because this is one of his least favorite topics. It always will be. Something that he's acknowledged, but rarely ever wants to think about. However, Scott can't stop himself from rambling just slightly about it.]
Leaving everyone behind. Possibly never to see them again. [His hand drops from her back, leaving his arms by his sides as he almost stares into the ground.]
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It can be, sometimes, [she admits, fingertips moving back to stroke gently through his hair with a quiet sigh. She leans up and presses her forehead into his, as if she could somehow give him her strength through that alone.] But... sometimes I can borrow everyone else's energy.
[But she just nods, a small motion more felt than seen, both hands looping around his shoulders and twining into his hair with a quiet sigh.] That's part of it. Or thinking about the people who didn't make it as far as I did, or even just thinking about how much stuff sucks sometimes. It'd be way easier to stay in bed.
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Although, maybe she should just lie in bed a couple of days. Maybe he can do that with her. That could be nice... especially since he just wants to do that right now. His eyes close once more at the thought, before Scott lowers his forehead against hers, as if trying to feel what she wants him to feel.]
Can I borrow your energy? [...] Or maybe we can just... lie in bed. That's okay now, right? You don't have to force yourself to be happy around me.
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[It's a simple answer for a simple feeling. No, being with him doesn't magically make everything better, but he makes her smile, makes her laugh, makes her genuinely want to see him every day. She wants to see what every new day holds with him.
Her fingers massage gently against the back of his neck, as if she could somehow transfer her own strength into him with just her touch, and she bumps her nose lightly against his.] You can have as much of my energy as you need.
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But since he can take some of her energy... he lowers his head down so that he's gently pressed against her shoulder, with one of his arms coming back up to wrap around her waist. He's fine like this, although Scott, this may be the opposite of having energy--]
You really don't mind being around me when I'm like this...?
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She shifts, just a little, to accommodate the change in position, but just keeps holding him. If this is what he needs right now, that's what he'll get. One hand stays in his hair, the other gently rubs his back in a gesture she really hopes he takes as soothing and not childish.]
Of course I don't mind. We'll get it taken care of, I promise.
[She tilts her head and lets it press against his with a quiet exhale. No, she doesn't know how yet, but... they'll think of something. Dazai will know what to do.]
Just... please don't shut me out again, okay? Not on purpose.
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And... that counts for something. He trusts her at least. As she said, she'll stop him if need be.]
...I really scared you, huh?
[Maybe he would've teased her some other day, but now isn't the appropriate time.]
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She huffs a little humorless laugh through her nose and turns her head to lightly press her lips to his cheek.]
I was worried. You've never shut me out like that before.
[She knows she's done it to him, if not physically with a door, definitely emotionally more than once.]
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[While Scott still doesn't exactly smile, his voice carries a tone that edges just a bit lighter compared to earlier, as if recalling something humorous. In a way, it is, his inability to really block Kotone from his life. Maybe kind of pathetic, but he really loves her. That feeling is still there, present in his heart. He has no doubts. Even if she shuts him out sometimes, he at least believes in that emotion above all else.
As if pulling some sort of resolve, he straightens himself up just slightly, maybe taking some of that energy she offered.]
...Still hard to.
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She smiles a bit when he straightens that little bit, shifting just enough to take his hands in her own and squeeze them both gently.]
Then will you come outside with me? Sometimes being sad outside doesn't feel as crushing as being sad inside.
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But she's trying, for him, and Scott doesn't want to just push that away. Kotone has pushed past his attempts to shut her out and planted her feet squarely next to him despite everything, maybe because of everything. He wants to spend time with her now, at least before things get worse. Living each day to the fullest... right? Even now.]
...Can we just stand outside for a little while? [He asks quietly.] I don't know if I want to go walking around.
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[Yeah, that's enough. It's not as much as she's hoping for, but it's something, a break from stagnation. The people who'd suffered from Apathy Syndrome seemed to just stop where they stood, so... if he can keep moving, maybe he'll be okay.
She cups his cheeks and gives him another kiss, once again as if she might somehow impart some of her own energy to him. If only it was that easy, right? But in short order, she takes his hand and tugs gently.]
C'mon. We can at least go be sad in the fresh air.
🎁