[It is hard. There's no point denying it when he can feel it like this. There's no way of knowing if it's exactly the same feeling that she still has sometimes, but it sounds close enough that she can sympathize, reaching up with one hand to gently smooth her thumb against that frown. She's not expecting him to return it, but she tilts her head and presses a gentle, chaste kiss to his lips as if in reassurance.]
I spend time with my friends, [she says simply, stroking her thumb along his cheek, tracing beneath his the lens of his glasses.] If everyone else is having fun, it's easier to feel like it, too. If someone else is sad, it's easier to feel sad with them. I go out and I keep busy so my mind doesn't get stuck just thinking about... other stuff.
[The last bit is a quiet admission. This stuff is hard to talk about, even for her -- maybe especially for her -- but it's important for him to hear, she thinks.]
[While he doesn't fully return the energy of her kiss, his mouth still moves in response, following her lead rather than continuing the kiss or making it more heated or intimate between them. It's more of just like trying to react in some way, so that she's not kissing a mannequin. How awful would that be? Granted, there's still that warmth he's producing, along with the softness of his lips, the corruption not taking that away from him.
Plus... he still likes it. Wants it.
With his eyes slipping shut, he tilts his face into her gentle tracing, allowing her to explore as she wishes. At least the markings haven't appeared there, still relegated to his fingers and arms.]
...It sounds exhausting being around others right now. [He admits, quietly, the appeal of seeing any of his friends here at an all time low. Maybe it's the fear of hurting them, but also... it's that crushing emptiness as well. Kotone is really the only person he wants to be around, and she had to push her way in.]
By 'other stuff,' do you mean... just one day leaving here? [His voice is low, barely audible, because this is one of his least favorite topics. It always will be. Something that he's acknowledged, but rarely ever wants to think about. However, Scott can't stop himself from rambling just slightly about it.]
Leaving everyone behind. Possibly never to see them again. [His hand drops from her back, leaving his arms by his sides as he almost stares into the ground.]
[At least he kisses her back. Honestly, she wasn't expecting it, even if it's not as full of emotion as it normally is from him. Like going through the motions -- but at least he's trying. That's a step forward, she thinks. Or if not forward, at least not backward, either.]
It can be, sometimes, [she admits, fingertips moving back to stroke gently through his hair with a quiet sigh. She leans up and presses her forehead into his, as if she could somehow give him her strength through that alone.] But... sometimes I can borrow everyone else's energy.
[But she just nods, a small motion more felt than seen, both hands looping around his shoulders and twining into his hair with a quiet sigh.] That's part of it. Or thinking about the people who didn't make it as far as I did, or even just thinking about how much stuff sucks sometimes. It'd be way easier to stay in bed.
[It's a little hard to see Kotone needing energy from others, when she's so... vibrant and energetic herself. But Scott knows better, that there's something exhausted in her as well, even before all this. Now, however, he... thinks he can understand it, the drain of not wanting to do anything, and it really only makes him believe that she's even stronger. If she's dealing with this more often and still getting up each day... she's really amazing.
Although, maybe she should just lie in bed a couple of days. Maybe he can do that with her. That could be nice... especially since he just wants to do that right now. His eyes close once more at the thought, before Scott lowers his forehead against hers, as if trying to feel what she wants him to feel.]
Can I borrow your energy? [...] Or maybe we can just... lie in bed. That's okay now, right? You don't have to force yourself to be happy around me.
[It's a simple answer for a simple feeling. No, being with him doesn't magically make everything better, but he makes her smile, makes her laugh, makes her genuinely want to see him every day. She wants to see what every new day holds with him.
Her fingers massage gently against the back of his neck, as if she could somehow transfer her own strength into him with just her touch, and she bumps her nose lightly against his.] You can have as much of my energy as you need.
[Her words draws Scott's gaze from the ground, instead fixating on that supporting smile on her face and truly seeing that she's not just saying that to make him feel better. Not that he doubts their connection, but it's still nice to hear. She really is strong, someone so special... and she's here for him. For a moment, he can feel the haze around his mind dissipate and he almost smiles at her, because even in a corrupted state, Scott's so easily affected by her affection and words. It doesn't quite get there, but she may still notice the way his body eases against hers.
But since he can take some of her energy... he lowers his head down so that he's gently pressed against her shoulder, with one of his arms coming back up to wrap around her waist. He's fine like this, although Scott, this may be the opposite of having energy--]
You really don't mind being around me when I'm like this...?
She shifts, just a little, to accommodate the change in position, but just keeps holding him. If this is what he needs right now, that's what he'll get. One hand stays in his hair, the other gently rubs his back in a gesture she really hopes he takes as soothing and not childish.]
Of course I don't mind. We'll get it taken care of, I promise.
[She tilts her head and lets it press against his with a quiet exhale. No, she doesn't know how yet, but... they'll think of something. Dazai will know what to do.]
Just... please don't shut me out again, okay? Not on purpose.
[Is that really a promise that she can keep...? Granted, things like this do get resolved eventually (at least so far), before something else happens and then they have to deal with that. But... can they really hope that nothing bad will happen, that he won't lose control and hurt the people he cares about? His thoughts turn south and the normal optimism in him doesn't step up, but he nonetheless nods his head against her. Even if he doesn't believe it fully, he'll at least believe in Kotone.
And... that counts for something. He trusts her at least. As she said, she'll stop him if need be.]
...I really scared you, huh?
[Maybe he would've teased her some other day, but now isn't the appropriate time.]
[Listen, one way or another, it's getting taken care of. No matter what she has to do. There's a bit of a shudder in her breath with that resolution, but she'll do it. For his sake, if nothing else.
She huffs a little humorless laugh through her nose and turns her head to lightly press her lips to his cheek.]
I was worried. You've never shut me out like that before.
[She knows she's done it to him, if not physically with a door, definitely emotionally more than once.]
[While Scott still doesn't exactly smile, his voice carries a tone that edges just a bit lighter compared to earlier, as if recalling something humorous. In a way, it is, his inability to really block Kotone from his life. Maybe kind of pathetic, but he really loves her. That feeling is still there, present in his heart. He has no doubts. Even if she shuts him out sometimes, he at least believes in that emotion above all else.
As if pulling some sort of resolve, he straightens himself up just slightly, maybe taking some of that energy she offered.]
[That patheticness is charming, though, in a way! And in this moment, even knowing how heavy his emotions must feel, that he can still manage to be a little lighter when talking about her -- it's equal parts endearing and stressful. She doesn't want to let him down, no matter what.
She smiles a bit when he straightens that little bit, shifting just enough to take his hands in her own and squeeze them both gently.]
Then will you come outside with me? Sometimes being sad outside doesn't feel as crushing as being sad inside.
[Scott's face immediately turns downward, his face scrunching at the thought of going outside. That just sounds tiring, if anything, especially since it's still pretty cold outside and he's not even really dressed for that. He could just throw on his heavier jacket and that'd probably be enough, but that's still more work.
But she's trying, for him, and Scott doesn't want to just push that away. Kotone has pushed past his attempts to shut her out and planted her feet squarely next to him despite everything, maybe because of everything. He wants to spend time with her now, at least before things get worse. Living each day to the fullest... right? Even now.]
...Can we just stand outside for a little while? [He asks quietly.] I don't know if I want to go walking around.
[Yeah, that's enough. It's not as much as she's hoping for, but it's something, a break from stagnation. The people who'd suffered from Apathy Syndrome seemed to just stop where they stood, so... if he can keep moving, maybe he'll be okay.
She cups his cheeks and gives him another kiss, once again as if she might somehow impart some of her own energy to him. If only it was that easy, right? But in short order, she takes his hand and tugs gently.]
C'mon. We can at least go be sad in the fresh air.
[No, he doesn't magically feel better still, but everything feels less dull and empty when she's around. Like he can muster getting up and moving around as long as he gets to see her. If this is how she feels sometimes... he really hopes that he does the same for her. Maybe he'll ask.
Not right now though, his hand curling into hers as he lets himself be tugged in her direction. He just wants to follow whatever she does, even if it's just remarking about the outside with a small laugh. Something so small, but he still looks forward to it.]
Okay, Kotone. Let's go outside and be sad.
[He almost smiles and there's something in his expression, almost like he wants to say more, but he just tightens his grip in hers instead. Scott wants to say how thankful, how much he really loves her, but he just hopes that she can understand him through their contact.]
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[It is hard. There's no point denying it when he can feel it like this. There's no way of knowing if it's exactly the same feeling that she still has sometimes, but it sounds close enough that she can sympathize, reaching up with one hand to gently smooth her thumb against that frown. She's not expecting him to return it, but she tilts her head and presses a gentle, chaste kiss to his lips as if in reassurance.]
I spend time with my friends, [she says simply, stroking her thumb along his cheek, tracing beneath his the lens of his glasses.] If everyone else is having fun, it's easier to feel like it, too. If someone else is sad, it's easier to feel sad with them. I go out and I keep busy so my mind doesn't get stuck just thinking about... other stuff.
[The last bit is a quiet admission. This stuff is hard to talk about, even for her -- maybe especially for her -- but it's important for him to hear, she thinks.]
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Plus... he still likes it. Wants it.
With his eyes slipping shut, he tilts his face into her gentle tracing, allowing her to explore as she wishes. At least the markings haven't appeared there, still relegated to his fingers and arms.]
...It sounds exhausting being around others right now. [He admits, quietly, the appeal of seeing any of his friends here at an all time low. Maybe it's the fear of hurting them, but also... it's that crushing emptiness as well. Kotone is really the only person he wants to be around, and she had to push her way in.]
By 'other stuff,' do you mean... just one day leaving here? [His voice is low, barely audible, because this is one of his least favorite topics. It always will be. Something that he's acknowledged, but rarely ever wants to think about. However, Scott can't stop himself from rambling just slightly about it.]
Leaving everyone behind. Possibly never to see them again. [His hand drops from her back, leaving his arms by his sides as he almost stares into the ground.]
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It can be, sometimes, [she admits, fingertips moving back to stroke gently through his hair with a quiet sigh. She leans up and presses her forehead into his, as if she could somehow give him her strength through that alone.] But... sometimes I can borrow everyone else's energy.
[But she just nods, a small motion more felt than seen, both hands looping around his shoulders and twining into his hair with a quiet sigh.] That's part of it. Or thinking about the people who didn't make it as far as I did, or even just thinking about how much stuff sucks sometimes. It'd be way easier to stay in bed.
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Although, maybe she should just lie in bed a couple of days. Maybe he can do that with her. That could be nice... especially since he just wants to do that right now. His eyes close once more at the thought, before Scott lowers his forehead against hers, as if trying to feel what she wants him to feel.]
Can I borrow your energy? [...] Or maybe we can just... lie in bed. That's okay now, right? You don't have to force yourself to be happy around me.
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[It's a simple answer for a simple feeling. No, being with him doesn't magically make everything better, but he makes her smile, makes her laugh, makes her genuinely want to see him every day. She wants to see what every new day holds with him.
Her fingers massage gently against the back of his neck, as if she could somehow transfer her own strength into him with just her touch, and she bumps her nose lightly against his.] You can have as much of my energy as you need.
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But since he can take some of her energy... he lowers his head down so that he's gently pressed against her shoulder, with one of his arms coming back up to wrap around her waist. He's fine like this, although Scott, this may be the opposite of having energy--]
You really don't mind being around me when I'm like this...?
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She shifts, just a little, to accommodate the change in position, but just keeps holding him. If this is what he needs right now, that's what he'll get. One hand stays in his hair, the other gently rubs his back in a gesture she really hopes he takes as soothing and not childish.]
Of course I don't mind. We'll get it taken care of, I promise.
[She tilts her head and lets it press against his with a quiet exhale. No, she doesn't know how yet, but... they'll think of something. Dazai will know what to do.]
Just... please don't shut me out again, okay? Not on purpose.
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And... that counts for something. He trusts her at least. As she said, she'll stop him if need be.]
...I really scared you, huh?
[Maybe he would've teased her some other day, but now isn't the appropriate time.]
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She huffs a little humorless laugh through her nose and turns her head to lightly press her lips to his cheek.]
I was worried. You've never shut me out like that before.
[She knows she's done it to him, if not physically with a door, definitely emotionally more than once.]
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[While Scott still doesn't exactly smile, his voice carries a tone that edges just a bit lighter compared to earlier, as if recalling something humorous. In a way, it is, his inability to really block Kotone from his life. Maybe kind of pathetic, but he really loves her. That feeling is still there, present in his heart. He has no doubts. Even if she shuts him out sometimes, he at least believes in that emotion above all else.
As if pulling some sort of resolve, he straightens himself up just slightly, maybe taking some of that energy she offered.]
...Still hard to.
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She smiles a bit when he straightens that little bit, shifting just enough to take his hands in her own and squeeze them both gently.]
Then will you come outside with me? Sometimes being sad outside doesn't feel as crushing as being sad inside.
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But she's trying, for him, and Scott doesn't want to just push that away. Kotone has pushed past his attempts to shut her out and planted her feet squarely next to him despite everything, maybe because of everything. He wants to spend time with her now, at least before things get worse. Living each day to the fullest... right? Even now.]
...Can we just stand outside for a little while? [He asks quietly.] I don't know if I want to go walking around.
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[Yeah, that's enough. It's not as much as she's hoping for, but it's something, a break from stagnation. The people who'd suffered from Apathy Syndrome seemed to just stop where they stood, so... if he can keep moving, maybe he'll be okay.
She cups his cheeks and gives him another kiss, once again as if she might somehow impart some of her own energy to him. If only it was that easy, right? But in short order, she takes his hand and tugs gently.]
C'mon. We can at least go be sad in the fresh air.
🎁
Not right now though, his hand curling into hers as he lets himself be tugged in her direction. He just wants to follow whatever she does, even if it's just remarking about the outside with a small laugh. Something so small, but he still looks forward to it.]
Okay, Kotone. Let's go outside and be sad.
[He almost smiles and there's something in his expression, almost like he wants to say more, but he just tightens his grip in hers instead. Scott wants to say how thankful, how much he really loves her, but he just hopes that she can understand him through their contact.]