(it's the closest thing he can relate to. it's truly the only thing he can relate to. he knows exactly what it is like, to see what is happening behind a window, trapped into one's mind, claustrophobic before all the actions he takes, and will take - but in his case, he welcomed it. it moved him without him willing himself to, goals rather than feelings, urges rather than wants. it worked, because mikey looked at it as something that he needed if he was going to be what he set out to be.
... it's not the same for scott. he can understand that, the sorrow of what could be, the sorrow of what was. he just doesn't know what to say. instead, he wraps his arms around the other, an attempt, awkward as it may be, to soothe.
even so, there's no hesitation in it. it's firm, as if it said 'rest on me. it's my burden to take'.)
[He doesn't know what it was like for Mikey, not fully, when he was cursed. He just was an entirely different person, at least to Scott, acting on impulses that he either normally contained or were new because of that curse. Hosting the Phoenix, something that latched onto him-- the other him, strangling some feelings while amplifying others, just overwhelmed by that power until he dissociated. Well, he was already dissociated the moment he glitched, but even that other Scott didn't have any control, not really.
It was all confusing and Scott's not sure if he'll ever be able to properly explain it. Maybe it's for the best. He just knows he doesn't want to feel that way ever again. He's never had so little control over himself, even when he was those other Scotts. Again, doesn't make sense, but maybe nothing has to. Maybe all that he needs to do is accept and fall into Mikey's hold, the mutant fully leaning into him as half-broken sobs loosen from his chest to resound around them.
Mikey said to let it out, so he will. In between a few gasping cries, Scott will try to explain more-- at least admit his guilt because keeping it within him had not helped.]
I-I killed my friend Mikey... I burnt him to death.
(it hurts, in many levels. his heart aches to see his friend so broken, so upset, the warmth of tears that drip onto the fabric of his shirt feeling like a stab to his soul. most of it is just-- scott deserves much better than to feel this way. he's a good person, has always been so, not a killer, not a danger, albeit the likelihood of him becoming one has always been there.
not because he consciously would, but it's a rather simple conclusion when his ability is so damn destructive.
the smaller part of why this stings so much is in regards to himself. what scott describes easily applies to him, but he didn't feel anything about it. manjiro felt it was just a way to do away with anything that stood in his way, empty, hollow-- does it bother him that he didn't feel that way, or does the fact that he could now change everything?
that's why, maybe, it unsteadies him - not that it shows. his face is serious save for his small smile in attempts to soothe, and his palm travels across scott's back in a caress.)
[It takes a long time for those cries to settle down, even remotely. Everything just feels wrong now, like things will never return back to normal (or whatever semblance of that he's managed to form for himself) and maybe that's true. It's not like he can expect everything to slide back into place after he killed someone, no matter if it was a cosmic space force in him or not. Even if-- when Ryoji comes back, it doesn't erase what he did.
More tears shed from his eyes at the thought.
He's not fully ready to discuss this more, so he shifts the topic slightly, to the person that's gently comforting him. It really is nice to be held like this, Mikey's warm embrace at least preventing Scott from losing himself entirely.]
I-Is that how it felt for you? [During the curse.] Dissociated? Barely yourself? Able to just stand there and watch your friend die...?
(his chin finds scott's head, so he can burrow even further if he needs to. manjiro's own set of actions when he's crying is to hide, so he wants to give scott the same courtesy, even if it's just a little bit. with his nose, he gently touches it, as to say it's fine, it's okay. stay as long as you need.
... but then, scott asks something. he might as well hear how mikey's heart skips a beat and accelerates, because he's... nervous, even if his voice is neutral. this might not help him, he fears, but he isn't going to lie, either.)
... Mostly so. You're a good person, so that's why you feel like you were barely yourself. You'd never hurt anyone if you could help it, which is why your power is so fucking ironic, you know? Because you can, easy, but you wouldn't.
(he can't help but swallow. he's still thinking about it, that fucking curse. how easy it would have made to heal yosuke, he wouldn't have felt any fear, any hesitation, and regret.
he misses it, how it didn't hold him back. hates what it does, what it represents.
love how it didn't stop him.)
... I would. I'm a violent, destructive person by nature, Summers, and I can't give a shit about anything or anyone who isn't mine. The curse... Just took what was already there, and exploded it by a thousand. You wouldn't hurt a fly, but you can. I would, but I'm not always ready to. It took the part of me that has a heart and shut it, so I wasn't... There. It was like I was just watching my worst self move about, and sometimes, just sometimes I could peek through -- but it didn't let me feel much.
[He easily folds deeper in Mikey's strong hold, the supporting closeness finally allowing Scott's eyes to close behind his shades and dimming the red glow that subtly always exists. His shoulders continue to tremble under Mikey and while he's hiding the cracked visage of himself from others and anyone that'd so happen to come across them (which they wouldn't but), he's still bundled in like he's finally found some source of comfort in the past couple of days. It's not entirely true, not when he's had numerous friends help him, but it doesn't diminish how he feels right now.
Their dinner is all but forgotten now, the hamburger he was holding dropped somewhere on the floor, but Scott doesn't care too much right now as his fingers curl around available limb and muscle. He lets himself depend on him, cling to a strength that's taken a beating but now solidified after multiple timelines, and listens to Mikey.
There's that reaffirmation that Scott's a good person. It's true that he wouldn't hurt anyone, at least he doesn't want to, but... it doesn't feel enough. Not to mention that a small of him did want to hurt Ryoji, just for a moment and that's all Phoenix needed. She saw that emotion, brought it out, amplified it, and took over. He felt that, before he lost himself somewhere between the roaring flames and all that cosmic power. Or guess it was that other Scott.
Does it matter?
As Mikey continues to talk about himself, saying that he's just a violent and destructive person by nature, he can't help but shake his head against him. His curse almost sounds like Phoenix, at least in some ways, maybe not a complete take over, but it's the closest thing Scott's heard since all this happened. It's strange, maybe even humorous, how quickly he speaks to his defense, even though the curse and Mikey's violence towards him and Yu was what caused them to be distant for a while. It puts things into perceptive when you had to face something similar.
At least Cursed Mikey just kicked him unconscious. Choked Yu until he passed out no he doesn't know still.]
M-Maybe it was you, in some way. But that's not only you. [He's saying this for Mikey, but maybe he's saying it for himself too. Is that okay to tell himself?] It had to shut off your feelings.
(he feels the head that shakes against him, and there's a lot to say about this that he doesn't. memories of him, an elementary school kid, rushing through hospital hallways to be with his mom and tell her all about how he beat the living shit of kids who were older, tougher, bigger. how bright her smile would be, how she'd tell him how strong he was. how, as the years went by, he grew more vicious, more violent, until he used it to protect something dear. a good action doesn't erase the root of it, but the more he thinks about what to say, the more the words stick to the sides of his throat.
he doesn't want to worsen what scott might feel about himself, and for a gentle moment, all he does is carefully pet the other's head, while his eyes search for a point to focus on. he was here, but right now, he's very much in his head.
it had to shut off his feelings, he has to agree to that. it aided him in doing things he would never have the courage to do, the nerve - horrible, despicable things, and he felt... nothing. he wishes that to be true now, with the vivid memory of yosuke bleeding on the grass.
... yeah, he can't do it. he once more nudges scott with his nose, before he slowly unpeels as not to startle.)
... Excuse me.
(and manjiro doesn't explain. the door to the bathroom opens, clicks closed, and he doesn't come out.
if scott listens, he will hear chocked out, trembled cries manjiro is trying to hide.)
[For a moment, Scott thinks he said something wrong.
His throat tightens, eyes quickly reopening as that source of warmth-- Mikey pulls away from him and stands up. Was it too much? Is he disappointed? A clingy, desperate part of Scott, the one that just lost Kotone, nearly wants to snatch the other's hand so that he doesn't keep walking away. Don't leave him alone. However, he pushes the urge down, buries it beneath hurt, watching as his friend... heads to the bathroom??? He's not heading out the door.
The confusion's enough to jar Scott out of his crushed state.
He grips the jacket that's still around his shoulders just a bit tighter before standing up, gathering whatever strength he has to follow Mikey. Maybe he just needed to take a piss-- but that more comical thought leaves his mind as he hears something else instead. ...Crying? Is Mikey...
...He is.
For the life of him, he doesn't think he's ever heard him cry before. Not that he thought the biker was incapable of it, of course not, but it's still a shock to Scott's system to hear those audible noises through the door. While there's much on his mind with parts of him frayed and stretched, Scott pieces something together as he leans against the door.]
Mikey...
[His voice is still watery, but there's a return of some strength.]
(it's not what he wanted, to take a moment that is so delicate to scott and crumble completely under it. ghosts of his past, to be the protector has always loomed around him, and here, he had never been a leader the same way. he doesn't fight the same, isn't needed the same way - too many people can hold their own regardless of him.
and yet, he treats his people the way he always had. burdens, worries, problems, shared with manjiro, and yet, none of his own ever leave him. at home, the weight of his titles lessens their weight, even if it will always be true. here, he's relearning, and restructuring, and scott has always looked at him with a certain fondness.
love and strength move as one, it's something he learned as a birth right - logically, it's untrue, unfounded, hollow and shallow, but emotionally, it's something manjiro will always struggle to separate. by hearing his trembles from behind the door, will the way scott smiles at him diminish? will he count on him less? will he like him less? will he...--
to hear his name doesn't help the volume of his sob, almost like it triggers it. minutes pass in the discomfort of silence, before a low voice comes out of it with a sniff.)
[Those minutes of silence feel like they drag on forever.
He's afraid, worried, concerned about his friend-- someone that's supported Scott on more than one occasion and it's actually sort of calming in a strange way. Hasn't it always been easier for him when he focuses on someone else rather than his own issues? Yeah. Sort of. It's just never been this extreme before. It still doesn't stop Scott from taking in deep breaths as he keeps himself close to the door, centering himself as he strains to hear Mikey through it. Even if Mikey was initially here to support him, Scott's more than willing to reverse their roles.
He... he wants to help him. It's important.]
Mikey... let me in.
[He can probably open the door, but he wants to give Mikey some time to gather himself. Maybe even wait for him to tell him it's okay to come in. However, he doesn't want Mikey to face this alone.]
(not in a million years. if being heard is humiliating, being seen would break him. tears of joy leave him on occasion, but this pure display of him and his heart broken is not something he would ever be okay to be witnessed.
it's... stupid, he knows. he knows this is what caused his downfall, this difficulty in opening, in reaching for help when he most need it, but it's impossible to change completely - not when it's such a core characteristic of him.
manjiro does know, however, he needs to at least try a little bit. just a little bit.)
... I miss the stupid curse. I wouldn't feel shitty for the things this place makes us do all the time if I had it.
[The solid rejection stills some of Scott's determination. Thoughts about forcing the door open slip away because if Mikey really doesn't want him to be in there, he's not about to force it. He can picture that going south real fast. However, Mikey's not telling him to go away completely, so he keeps himself planted against the door, hoping that he can reach him despite the wall separating them. It's something, even if he'd much prefer to actually see his friend.
He'll just have to listen to his words and that singular admission draws a pained breath from Scott. So, that's what he wants, huh? He... misses the curse, or more specifically, he wants to stop feeling pain when he hurts someone. He... he doesn't fully understand, except for when he dissociated as Phoenix, feeling so unlike himself and unable to connect to his body or emotions. He hated that. It was scary, although... maybe it would make all this pain right now easier.
Scott swallows at the thought, shaking himself out of it.]
...What happened, Mikey? Tell me. [He doesn't want to sound pleading, so there's a prying note in his voice despite the more quiet inflection that's still covering his words.]
(he bites, even if he doesn't mean to. it's the fact that scott has been on the receiving side of his kick that kills him, the fact that killing yu has killed him, leaving had killed him, and he was fine. miserable, but fine. the gift of numbness has downsides, but none of it ever is to feel bad about one's actions.
but, scott doesn't deserve this. he thinks, for a second, how shitty it must be to be on the other side of that door.
a sniff ensues, because he's trying to breathe, as difficult as it is.)
... Yosuke was infected. I was a Doctor, but... I had to beat the living shit out of him to heal him. If I have to regress, the least this place could grant me is not to feel guilty or scared I'll lose everything again over it.
[Those words sting, the weight of them heavier with everything that's happened. Normally he would be a little more resistant, not as wounded by Mikey's retort, but Scott's been feeling like a failure in many ways lately. He's tempted to leave Mikey alone, but whatever scraps of his pride and stubbornness still remain, just enough for him to keep himself pressed against the door. He'll just... shove the hurt down. It's fine. He's not going to get upset at his friend.
When has that ever helped?
Besides, Mikey is deep in his own grief. He knows that. He had to hide in the bathroom and keep his tears hidden from world around him. Keeping that in mind centers Scott in some ways and it definitely helps as Mikey begins speaking once more. He's... still opening up.]
..... [So, that's what happened. This place giving Mikey a shitty way to heal people and he had to beat up Yosuke to cure him. It's messed up, especially after his friend has finally found a good spot for himself, back home and here. Scott knows Mikey, how much he would not want to do something like that. It's hard to hear.
His reaction, the reason why he's crying in the bathroom, makes complete sense. However, he doesn't see Mikey as weak for it.] It's not your fault-- I.
[...] It's crappy, but... it's better to feel guilty and scared than feeling nothing.
[That's how he felt when he was Phoenix, when he was killing Ryoji. He didn't care about the pain he was causing.]
(he knows what scott is getting to. the idea that feeling makes you a better person, one that cares, but feeling hurts. feeling hinders. what if he wasn't able to swallow his anxiety and his fear when yosuke needed him? he doesn't think a younger him could have done it. over and over, any possible universe he has ever inhabited, that had always been in the very clear in his mind. how precious the curse was, how important, because he could bulldoze over anything, anyone, until that overcame him.
the last adult he had become was thin, exhausted, ruthless. one that could eat on top of a cage of bones, watching bullets enter skulls of traitors and it never made him sick, bothered, annoyed. this one... although a miserable man, manjiro kept everyone safe, from him or otherwise. his people had futures, weddings, loves, a life. and he had the darkness that surrounded him.
it's not that he misses the man he had been. he misses how that man didn't feel when he had to move, didn't suffer when he needed to act.
and perhaps scott can't understand how fucked up in the head he is over it - although now, he might. he too received a blessing and a curse... although he couldn't right now, given manjiro has never told him.)
... Once, Summers. I stabbed... Kenchin until he fell dead. I choked Mitsuya to death, shot Chifuyu in the head. Burned Hakkai alive... Because Takemitchy left me, and they let him, and I didn't... Couldn't do it without him, so I tried to get Takemitchy to kill me and end this bullshit, I needed all of them gone so they wouldn't get in the way. Another time... I left, like I did here, and everyone was safe from me and had happy, fulfilling lives. I shot him so he didn't go back in time to change it all again on the chance he could have me around.
Can't say I was right in the head in neither of these timelines, and that's not counting... All the other less personal bullshit that I was involved in, I really wasn't stable, but fuck if I did what I thought I had to do, because when it's not there, I'm fucking emotional. What if next time this shit happens, I freeze? I can't fucking have that.
[He wants to immediately protest hearing Mikey's response. Yes, it still is better than feeling nothing. All Scott can remember when he felt nothing was flames and a body in front of him burnt to death. Torched so badly that Ryoji was barely even recognizable and he didn't care. In fact, he wanted it. It was just so easy to end a life like that and it was awful, nearly getting Scott to shudder despite him trying to focus on Mikey and his words.
Does he need to confront Phoenix-- what he did as that glitched form to even talk to Mikey about this?
He can't think, especially not as Mikey tells more of his crimes to him. Stabbing people, choking others, shooting... the list goes on and it makes his stomach churn terribly. Sure, he knew Mikey did some bad crap as a leader of the gang, but hearing about these sort of violent acts is hard. Maybe a part of him fully recoils knowing all this now. But if it's horrible for him, it's undoubtedly even worse for his friend now, especially if he doesn't have his 'curse' anymore to shield himself from it.]
I... I know it's scary, the idea of freezing up. Being too emotional and not being able to get shit done. Letting down your friends and everyone counting on you.
[...] But it's scarier to feel nothing. To turn into something you're not, allow yourself to kill even a friend without mercy. Burn them, and continue to do so, even when they stopped breathing. Even when their skin has been burnt off and...
[Scott trails into silence, unable to keep on talking about it because now he's remembering and he wants to expel everything in his stomach once more.]
(that's the thing. manjiro knows it is only awful because they can feel it now, and know the depths of what was wrong back then. it shouldn't be normal, healthy, good to not feel, and yet, it'd make this whole event completely avoidable.
... although, to be fair, it'd make mikey completely unreachable, too. logic exists, even when feeling doesn't. he never wanted to tell scott so directly, and yet, he can't ignore the faint smell of smoke that reaches his nose, the way his hands flinch a little when he noticed them clenching.)
... That's you, though, Scott. You're the one who's too good. We're different.
[Is he really that good?? Or just wasn't Phoenix long enough??]
...You're good too, Mikey. [He eventually says, quietly.] I'm not saying you never did anything wrong, because we both know that's far from the case.
[Even if it was the curse's fault, what happened still happened. Plus, even without the curse, he doesn't think Mikey never hurt someone before. It's just he's not entirely bad. Takemichi wouldn't have tried so hard, Yu wouldn't be with him, right? Mikey wouldn't have gone out of his way in the past to help Scott.]
But you're trying. You're trying now.
[That phrase has come back to Scott many times now. Not quite parting words from Dazai, but definitely the lesson that's stuck most to him. Even after all this time, he still remembers him and how much he both helped him and drove him nuts. He doesn't think about him too long, not when Mikey's still shut on the other side of this door, something that gets the mutant to slowly slide to the floor and lean against it.
At least none of his roommates are here to witness this. Probably makes it easy for Mikey too.] It's okay if you're feel weak about it.
(just because he can't that easily doesn't mean the spirit isn't willing, begging, when it has to. if someone ever so slightly hurt scott, he doesn't think he'd be able to stand by, to not move a muscle about it. changed man or not, that's not how he was raised, not how he thinks.
and yet, what if it took the shape of another loved one? then what? and yet, that's not what he is thinking about. looming over his head is the fact he is crying about it, not alone, but where scott can hear and feel, and that may shake his view of manjiro as is.
he's no one's boss this time around, long gone the days he held that weight on his shoulders silently, the burden of being strong... but old habits die hard.)
[At this moment, he can't help but compare Mikey to Kotone. Didn't she feel like she had to be strong and dependable for her team all the time? Never breaking down in front of them because she felt that was necessary when it came to being a leader? She's truly gotten better now, but it has taken months to help her through that. He wonders if Mikey still feels the same way, or at least something similar.
He's sure Yu told him that it's fine to feel this way, but... maybe he needs to still hear it from others? From Scott?? There's definitely genuine worry that keeps Scott planted against the door, but also a familiar stubbornness, something that actually feels nice after the terrible crap with Phoenix.]
It's okay to me. [...] I... you know that you don't have to be strong all the time, not for me at least.
[Maybe bold to say since he was crying against Mikey not too long ago.]
(he's a wall, even if he has seen the consequences of what his way of thinking can do. he's been manipulated to the bone, sunk further and further into his own demise, and not a peep, not once has he uttered any requests for help.
against the back of scott's head, he might feel manjiro's own setting against the wood, a sniffle, another one, as he tries to dry his cheeks, un-ugly his face, he's definitely not a pretty cryer.)
I know. It's just not who I am. It's... Hard, to be seen. I'm sure all the leaders you know are like that, too.
[Even though Mikey is physically closer, Scott still feels distant from him. Funny that a stupid door is keeping them separate, although, that's not really the cause, is it?]
Yeah, Kotone, Yu. Minato.
[Probably some others, but those are some names that immediately pop into his mind.]
But they've also learned to rely on others too, ask for help. They just don't face this alone.
[Maybe he's speaking for Yu and Minato, but he knows this is true for Kotone at least. He was there for that entire development, after all. He never wants her to feel alone like that again, because he loves her. But he also doesn't want Mikey to feel that way too, because he cares about him. Even if it's not with him, maybe Yu can be that person.]
(... it's baby steps, for all of them, he supposes.
there is a piercing silence that permeates for a while, not a sound that manjiro makes for the longest time until the creaking of the door slowly opening announces that he is trying, too. he does feel defeated, it is in his expression, with puffy eyes and the reddest nose, and in the way he closes it before sitting on the floor next to scott, taking a righteous place on his neck and collarbone.
[A silent hope starts building in his chest when the door opens, Scott looking up from his spot on the ground to look at the worn out figure of his friend. He's not sure if he's seen him this defeated before and broken down before. It was always obvious that the biker was crying in the bathroom, but seeing the traces of it is a painful affirmation that only makes the mutant want to reach out more.
Luckily, he doesn't say anything. More words at this point would be too much, right? It's already a large step for Mikey to let himself be seen like this.
So, Scott quietly just wraps his arms around his friend, letting him bury his face against available neck. He's long grown past feeling embarrassed about this kind of thing. Not to mention that supporting Mikey is far more important. Just like how a lot of his friends originally helped him through so much shit, it's time for him to return that favor.]
(it's both comfortable and ridiculously painful to be here. it's warm, and he feels the embrace and the care, the safety, and yet, he hates that he allows himself to accept it. he shouldn't, he couldn't, but he's here either way. his feet moved on their own, almost like his body knew he needed it - how many timelines has he denied himself that? how many decades, how many years, how much strength does he have to swallow his burdens and fight alone?
he doesn't know if his mother would be proud or disappointed. he doesn't want to speak, and he realizes that there's no intention from scott to do so either. there's a lot of hesitance in his hand, does it take the other boy's, does it not, back, forth, until he does.
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(it's the closest thing he can relate to. it's truly the only thing he can relate to. he knows exactly what it is like, to see what is happening behind a window, trapped into one's mind, claustrophobic before all the actions he takes, and will take - but in his case, he welcomed it. it moved him without him willing himself to, goals rather than feelings, urges rather than wants. it worked, because mikey looked at it as something that he needed if he was going to be what he set out to be.
... it's not the same for scott. he can understand that, the sorrow of what could be, the sorrow of what was. he just doesn't know what to say. instead, he wraps his arms around the other, an attempt, awkward as it may be, to soothe.
even so, there's no hesitation in it. it's firm, as if it said 'rest on me. it's my burden to take'.)
Let it out.
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[He doesn't know what it was like for Mikey, not fully, when he was cursed. He just was an entirely different person, at least to Scott, acting on impulses that he either normally contained or were new because of that curse. Hosting the Phoenix, something that latched onto him-- the other him, strangling some feelings while amplifying others, just overwhelmed by that power until he dissociated. Well, he was already dissociated the moment he glitched, but even that other Scott didn't have any control, not really.
It was all confusing and Scott's not sure if he'll ever be able to properly explain it. Maybe it's for the best. He just knows he doesn't want to feel that way ever again. He's never had so little control over himself, even when he was those other Scotts. Again, doesn't make sense, but maybe nothing has to. Maybe all that he needs to do is accept and fall into Mikey's hold, the mutant fully leaning into him as half-broken sobs loosen from his chest to resound around them.
Mikey said to let it out, so he will. In between a few gasping cries, Scott will try to explain more-- at least admit his guilt because keeping it within him had not helped.]
I-I killed my friend Mikey... I burnt him to death.
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not because he consciously would, but it's a rather simple conclusion when his ability is so damn destructive.
the smaller part of why this stings so much is in regards to himself. what scott describes easily applies to him, but he didn't feel anything about it. manjiro felt it was just a way to do away with anything that stood in his way, empty, hollow-- does it bother him that he didn't feel that way, or does the fact that he could now change everything?
that's why, maybe, it unsteadies him - not that it shows. his face is serious save for his small smile in attempts to soothe, and his palm travels across scott's back in a caress.)
... I know the feeling. Let it out, Summers.
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More tears shed from his eyes at the thought.
He's not fully ready to discuss this more, so he shifts the topic slightly, to the person that's gently comforting him. It really is nice to be held like this, Mikey's warm embrace at least preventing Scott from losing himself entirely.]
I-Is that how it felt for you? [During the curse.] Dissociated? Barely yourself? Able to just stand there and watch your friend die...?
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... but then, scott asks something. he might as well hear how mikey's heart skips a beat and accelerates, because he's... nervous, even if his voice is neutral. this might not help him, he fears, but he isn't going to lie, either.)
... Mostly so. You're a good person, so that's why you feel like you were barely yourself. You'd never hurt anyone if you could help it, which is why your power is so fucking ironic, you know? Because you can, easy, but you wouldn't.
(he can't help but swallow. he's still thinking about it, that fucking curse. how easy it would have made to heal yosuke, he wouldn't have felt any fear, any hesitation, and regret.
he misses it, how it didn't hold him back. hates what it does, what it represents.
love how it didn't stop him.)
... I would. I'm a violent, destructive person by nature, Summers, and I can't give a shit about anything or anyone who isn't mine. The curse... Just took what was already there, and exploded it by a thousand. You wouldn't hurt a fly, but you can. I would, but I'm not always ready to. It took the part of me that has a heart and shut it, so I wasn't... There. It was like I was just watching my worst self move about, and sometimes, just sometimes I could peek through -- but it didn't let me feel much.
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Their dinner is all but forgotten now, the hamburger he was holding dropped somewhere on the floor, but Scott doesn't care too much right now as his fingers curl around available limb and muscle. He lets himself depend on him, cling to a strength that's taken a beating but now solidified after multiple timelines, and listens to Mikey.
There's that reaffirmation that Scott's a good person. It's true that he wouldn't hurt anyone, at least he doesn't want to, but... it doesn't feel enough. Not to mention that a small of him did want to hurt Ryoji, just for a moment and that's all Phoenix needed. She saw that emotion, brought it out, amplified it, and took over. He felt that, before he lost himself somewhere between the roaring flames and all that cosmic power. Or guess it was that other Scott.
Does it matter?
As Mikey continues to talk about himself, saying that he's just a violent and destructive person by nature, he can't help but shake his head against him. His curse almost sounds like Phoenix, at least in some ways, maybe not a complete take over, but it's the closest thing Scott's heard since all this happened. It's strange, maybe even humorous, how quickly he speaks to his defense, even though the curse and Mikey's violence towards him and Yu was what caused them to be distant for a while. It puts things into perceptive when you had to face something similar.
At least Cursed Mikey just kicked him unconscious. Choked Yu until he passed out
no he doesn't know still.]M-Maybe it was you, in some way. But that's not only you. [He's saying this for Mikey, but maybe he's saying it for himself too. Is that okay to tell himself?] It had to shut off your feelings.
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he doesn't want to worsen what scott might feel about himself, and for a gentle moment, all he does is carefully pet the other's head, while his eyes search for a point to focus on. he was here, but right now, he's very much in his head.
it had to shut off his feelings, he has to agree to that. it aided him in doing things he would never have the courage to do, the nerve - horrible, despicable things, and he felt... nothing. he wishes that to be true now, with the vivid memory of yosuke bleeding on the grass.
... yeah, he can't do it. he once more nudges scott with his nose, before he slowly unpeels as not to startle.)
... Excuse me.
(and manjiro doesn't explain. the door to the bathroom opens, clicks closed, and he doesn't come out.
if scott listens, he will hear chocked out, trembled cries manjiro is trying to hide.)
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His throat tightens, eyes quickly reopening as that source of warmth-- Mikey pulls away from him and stands up. Was it too much? Is he disappointed? A clingy, desperate part of Scott, the one that just lost Kotone, nearly wants to snatch the other's hand so that he doesn't keep walking away. Don't leave him alone. However, he pushes the urge down, buries it beneath hurt, watching as his friend... heads to the bathroom??? He's not heading out the door.
The confusion's enough to jar Scott out of his crushed state.
He grips the jacket that's still around his shoulders just a bit tighter before standing up, gathering whatever strength he has to follow Mikey. Maybe he just needed to take a piss-- but that more comical thought leaves his mind as he hears something else instead. ...Crying? Is Mikey...
...He is.
For the life of him, he doesn't think he's ever heard him cry before. Not that he thought the biker was incapable of it, of course not, but it's still a shock to Scott's system to hear those audible noises through the door. While there's much on his mind with parts of him frayed and stretched, Scott pieces something together as he leans against the door.]
Mikey...
[His voice is still watery, but there's a return of some strength.]
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and yet, he treats his people the way he always had. burdens, worries, problems, shared with manjiro, and yet, none of his own ever leave him. at home, the weight of his titles lessens their weight, even if it will always be true. here, he's relearning, and restructuring, and scott has always looked at him with a certain fondness.
love and strength move as one, it's something he learned as a birth right - logically, it's untrue, unfounded, hollow and shallow, but emotionally, it's something manjiro will always struggle to separate. by hearing his trembles from behind the door, will the way scott smiles at him diminish? will he count on him less? will he like him less? will he...--
to hear his name doesn't help the volume of his sob, almost like it triggers it. minutes pass in the discomfort of silence, before a low voice comes out of it with a sniff.)
... Sorry, Summers.
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He's afraid, worried, concerned about his friend-- someone that's supported Scott on more than one occasion and it's actually sort of calming in a strange way. Hasn't it always been easier for him when he focuses on someone else rather than his own issues? Yeah. Sort of. It's just never been this extreme before. It still doesn't stop Scott from taking in deep breaths as he keeps himself close to the door, centering himself as he strains to hear Mikey through it. Even if Mikey was initially here to support him, Scott's more than willing to reverse their roles.
He... he wants to help him. It's important.]
Mikey... let me in.
[He can probably open the door, but he wants to give Mikey some time to gather himself. Maybe even wait for him to tell him it's okay to come in. However, he doesn't want Mikey to face this alone.]
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(not in a million years. if being heard is humiliating, being seen would break him. tears of joy leave him on occasion, but this pure display of him and his heart broken is not something he would ever be okay to be witnessed.
it's... stupid, he knows. he knows this is what caused his downfall, this difficulty in opening, in reaching for help when he most need it, but it's impossible to change completely - not when it's such a core characteristic of him.
manjiro does know, however, he needs to at least try a little bit. just a little bit.)
... I miss the stupid curse. I wouldn't feel shitty for the things this place makes us do all the time if I had it.
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He'll just have to listen to his words and that singular admission draws a pained breath from Scott. So, that's what he wants, huh? He... misses the curse, or more specifically, he wants to stop feeling pain when he hurts someone. He... he doesn't fully understand, except for when he dissociated as Phoenix, feeling so unlike himself and unable to connect to his body or emotions. He hated that. It was scary, although... maybe it would make all this pain right now easier.
Scott swallows at the thought, shaking himself out of it.]
...What happened, Mikey? Tell me. [He doesn't want to sound pleading, so there's a prying note in his voice despite the more quiet inflection that's still covering his words.]
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(he bites, even if he doesn't mean to. it's the fact that scott has been on the receiving side of his kick that kills him, the fact that killing yu has killed him, leaving had killed him, and he was fine. miserable, but fine. the gift of numbness has downsides, but none of it ever is to feel bad about one's actions.
but, scott doesn't deserve this. he thinks, for a second, how shitty it must be to be on the other side of that door.
a sniff ensues, because he's trying to breathe, as difficult as it is.)
... Yosuke was infected. I was a Doctor, but... I had to beat the living shit out of him to heal him. If I have to regress, the least this place could grant me is not to feel guilty or scared I'll lose everything again over it.
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When has that ever helped?
Besides, Mikey is deep in his own grief. He knows that. He had to hide in the bathroom and keep his tears hidden from world around him. Keeping that in mind centers Scott in some ways and it definitely helps as Mikey begins speaking once more. He's... still opening up.]
..... [So, that's what happened. This place giving Mikey a shitty way to heal people and he had to beat up Yosuke to cure him. It's messed up, especially after his friend has finally found a good spot for himself, back home and here. Scott knows Mikey, how much he would not want to do something like that. It's hard to hear.
His reaction, the reason why he's crying in the bathroom, makes complete sense. However, he doesn't see Mikey as weak for it.] It's not your fault-- I.
[...] It's crappy, but... it's better to feel guilty and scared than feeling nothing.
[That's how he felt when he was Phoenix, when he was killing Ryoji. He didn't care about the pain he was causing.]
cw gruesome death descriptions
(he knows what scott is getting to. the idea that feeling makes you a better person, one that cares, but feeling hurts. feeling hinders. what if he wasn't able to swallow his anxiety and his fear when yosuke needed him? he doesn't think a younger him could have done it. over and over, any possible universe he has ever inhabited, that had always been in the very clear in his mind. how precious the curse was, how important, because he could bulldoze over anything, anyone, until that overcame him.
the last adult he had become was thin, exhausted, ruthless. one that could eat on top of a cage of bones, watching bullets enter skulls of traitors and it never made him sick, bothered, annoyed. this one... although a miserable man, manjiro kept everyone safe, from him or otherwise. his people had futures, weddings, loves, a life. and he had the darkness that surrounded him.
it's not that he misses the man he had been. he misses how that man didn't feel when he had to move, didn't suffer when he needed to act.
and perhaps scott can't understand how fucked up in the head he is over it - although now, he might. he too received a blessing and a curse... although he couldn't right now, given manjiro has never told him.)
... Once, Summers. I stabbed... Kenchin until he fell dead. I choked Mitsuya to death, shot Chifuyu in the head. Burned Hakkai alive... Because Takemitchy left me, and they let him, and I didn't... Couldn't do it without him, so I tried to get Takemitchy to kill me and end this bullshit, I needed all of them gone so they wouldn't get in the way. Another time... I left, like I did here, and everyone was safe from me and had happy, fulfilling lives. I shot him so he didn't go back in time to change it all again on the chance he could have me around.
Can't say I was right in the head in neither of these timelines, and that's not counting... All the other less personal bullshit that I was involved in, I really wasn't stable, but fuck if I did what I thought I had to do, because when it's not there, I'm fucking emotional. What if next time this shit happens, I freeze? I can't fucking have that.
... I'm scared.
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Does he need to confront Phoenix-- what he did as that glitched form to even talk to Mikey about this?
He can't think, especially not as Mikey tells more of his crimes to him. Stabbing people, choking others, shooting... the list goes on and it makes his stomach churn terribly. Sure, he knew Mikey did some bad crap as a leader of the gang, but hearing about these sort of violent acts is hard. Maybe a part of him fully recoils knowing all this now. But if it's horrible for him, it's undoubtedly even worse for his friend now, especially if he doesn't have his 'curse' anymore to shield himself from it.]
I... I know it's scary, the idea of freezing up. Being too emotional and not being able to get shit done. Letting down your friends and everyone counting on you.
[...] But it's scarier to feel nothing. To turn into something you're not, allow yourself to kill even a friend without mercy. Burn them, and continue to do so, even when they stopped breathing. Even when their skin has been burnt off and...
[Scott trails into silence, unable to keep on talking about it because now he's remembering and he wants to expel everything in his stomach once more.]
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... although, to be fair, it'd make mikey completely unreachable, too. logic exists, even when feeling doesn't. he never wanted to tell scott so directly, and yet, he can't ignore the faint smell of smoke that reaches his nose, the way his hands flinch a little when he noticed them clenching.)
... That's you, though, Scott. You're the one who's too good. We're different.
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...You're good too, Mikey. [He eventually says, quietly.] I'm not saying you never did anything wrong, because we both know that's far from the case.
[Even if it was the curse's fault, what happened still happened. Plus, even without the curse, he doesn't think Mikey never hurt someone before. It's just he's not entirely bad. Takemichi wouldn't have tried so hard, Yu wouldn't be with him, right? Mikey wouldn't have gone out of his way in the past to help Scott.]
But you're trying. You're trying now.
[That phrase has come back to Scott many times now. Not quite parting words from Dazai, but definitely the lesson that's stuck most to him. Even after all this time, he still remembers him and how much he both helped him and drove him nuts. He doesn't think about him too long, not when Mikey's still shut on the other side of this door, something that gets the mutant to slowly slide to the floor and lean against it.
At least none of his roommates are here to witness this. Probably makes it easy for Mikey too.] It's okay if you're feel weak about it.
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(just because he can't that easily doesn't mean the spirit isn't willing, begging, when it has to. if someone ever so slightly hurt scott, he doesn't think he'd be able to stand by, to not move a muscle about it. changed man or not, that's not how he was raised, not how he thinks.
and yet, what if it took the shape of another loved one? then what? and yet, that's not what he is thinking about. looming over his head is the fact he is crying about it, not alone, but where scott can hear and feel, and that may shake his view of manjiro as is.
he's no one's boss this time around, long gone the days he held that weight on his shoulders silently, the burden of being strong... but old habits die hard.)
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He's sure Yu told him that it's fine to feel this way, but... maybe he needs to still hear it from others? From Scott?? There's definitely genuine worry that keeps Scott planted against the door, but also a familiar stubbornness, something that actually feels nice after the terrible crap with Phoenix.]
It's okay to me. [...] I... you know that you don't have to be strong all the time, not for me at least.
[Maybe bold to say since he was crying against Mikey not too long ago.]
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against the back of scott's head, he might feel manjiro's own setting against the wood, a sniffle, another one, as he tries to dry his cheeks, un-ugly his face, he's definitely not a pretty cryer.)
I know. It's just not who I am. It's... Hard, to be seen. I'm sure all the leaders you know are like that, too.
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Yeah, Kotone, Yu. Minato.
[Probably some others, but those are some names that immediately pop into his mind.]
But they've also learned to rely on others too, ask for help. They just don't face this alone.
[Maybe he's speaking for Yu and Minato, but he knows this is true for Kotone at least. He was there for that entire development, after all. He never wants her to feel alone like that again, because he loves her. But he also doesn't want Mikey to feel that way too, because he cares about him. Even if it's not with him, maybe Yu can be that person.]
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there is a piercing silence that permeates for a while, not a sound that manjiro makes for the longest time until the creaking of the door slowly opening announces that he is trying, too. he does feel defeated, it is in his expression, with puffy eyes and the reddest nose, and in the way he closes it before sitting on the floor next to scott, taking a righteous place on his neck and collarbone.
not a word.)
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Luckily, he doesn't say anything. More words at this point would be too much, right? It's already a large step for Mikey to let himself be seen like this.
So, Scott quietly just wraps his arms around his friend, letting him bury his face against available neck. He's long grown past feeling embarrassed about this kind of thing. Not to mention that supporting Mikey is far more important. Just like how a lot of his friends originally helped him through so much shit, it's time for him to return that favor.]
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he doesn't know if his mother would be proud or disappointed. he doesn't want to speak, and he realizes that there's no intention from scott to do so either. there's a lot of hesitance in his hand, does it take the other boy's, does it not, back, forth, until he does.
... and he sleeps. he's exhausted. it's a lot.)