... No, it definitely isn't better.
(he knows what scott is getting to. the idea that feeling makes you a better person, one that cares, but feeling hurts. feeling hinders. what if he wasn't able to swallow his anxiety and his fear when yosuke needed him? he doesn't think a younger him could have done it. over and over, any possible universe he has ever inhabited, that had always been in the very clear in his mind. how precious the curse was, how important, because he could bulldoze over anything, anyone, until that overcame him.
the last adult he had become was thin, exhausted, ruthless. one that could eat on top of a cage of bones, watching bullets enter skulls of traitors and it never made him sick, bothered, annoyed. this one... although a miserable man, manjiro kept everyone safe, from him or otherwise. his people had futures, weddings, loves, a life. and he had the darkness that surrounded him.
it's not that he misses the man he had been. he misses how that man didn't feel when he had to move, didn't suffer when he needed to act.
and perhaps scott can't understand how fucked up in the head he is over it - although now, he might. he too received a blessing and a curse... although he couldn't right now, given manjiro has never told him.)
... Once, Summers. I stabbed... Kenchin until he fell dead. I choked Mitsuya to death, shot Chifuyu in the head. Burned Hakkai alive... Because Takemitchy left me, and they let him, and I didn't... Couldn't do it without him, so I tried to get Takemitchy to kill me and end this bullshit, I needed all of them gone so they wouldn't get in the way. Another time... I left, like I did here, and everyone was safe from me and had happy, fulfilling lives. I shot him so he didn't go back in time to change it all again on the chance he could have me around.
Can't say I was right in the head in neither of these timelines, and that's not counting... All the other less personal bullshit that I was involved in, I really wasn't stable, but fuck if I did what I thought I had to do, because when it's not there, I'm fucking emotional. What if next time this shit happens, I freeze? I can't fucking have that.
... I'm scared.
(he knows what scott is getting to. the idea that feeling makes you a better person, one that cares, but feeling hurts. feeling hinders. what if he wasn't able to swallow his anxiety and his fear when yosuke needed him? he doesn't think a younger him could have done it. over and over, any possible universe he has ever inhabited, that had always been in the very clear in his mind. how precious the curse was, how important, because he could bulldoze over anything, anyone, until that overcame him.
the last adult he had become was thin, exhausted, ruthless. one that could eat on top of a cage of bones, watching bullets enter skulls of traitors and it never made him sick, bothered, annoyed. this one... although a miserable man, manjiro kept everyone safe, from him or otherwise. his people had futures, weddings, loves, a life. and he had the darkness that surrounded him.
it's not that he misses the man he had been. he misses how that man didn't feel when he had to move, didn't suffer when he needed to act.
and perhaps scott can't understand how fucked up in the head he is over it - although now, he might. he too received a blessing and a curse... although he couldn't right now, given manjiro has never told him.)
... Once, Summers. I stabbed... Kenchin until he fell dead. I choked Mitsuya to death, shot Chifuyu in the head. Burned Hakkai alive... Because Takemitchy left me, and they let him, and I didn't... Couldn't do it without him, so I tried to get Takemitchy to kill me and end this bullshit, I needed all of them gone so they wouldn't get in the way. Another time... I left, like I did here, and everyone was safe from me and had happy, fulfilling lives. I shot him so he didn't go back in time to change it all again on the chance he could have me around.
Can't say I was right in the head in neither of these timelines, and that's not counting... All the other less personal bullshit that I was involved in, I really wasn't stable, but fuck if I did what I thought I had to do, because when it's not there, I'm fucking emotional. What if next time this shit happens, I freeze? I can't fucking have that.
... I'm scared.
[He wants to immediately protest hearing Mikey's response. Yes, it still is better than feeling nothing. All Scott can remember when he felt nothing was flames and a body in front of him burnt to death. Torched so badly that Ryoji was barely even recognizable and he didn't care. In fact, he wanted it. It was just so easy to end a life like that and it was awful, nearly getting Scott to shudder despite him trying to focus on Mikey and his words.
Does he need to confront Phoenix-- what he did as that glitched form to even talk to Mikey about this?
He can't think, especially not as Mikey tells more of his crimes to him. Stabbing people, choking others, shooting... the list goes on and it makes his stomach churn terribly. Sure, he knew Mikey did some bad crap as a leader of the gang, but hearing about these sort of violent acts is hard. Maybe a part of him fully recoils knowing all this now. But if it's horrible for him, it's undoubtedly even worse for his friend now, especially if he doesn't have his 'curse' anymore to shield himself from it.]
I... I know it's scary, the idea of freezing up. Being too emotional and not being able to get shit done. Letting down your friends and everyone counting on you.
[...] But it's scarier to feel nothing. To turn into something you're not, allow yourself to kill even a friend without mercy. Burn them, and continue to do so, even when they stopped breathing. Even when their skin has been burnt off and...
[Scott trails into silence, unable to keep on talking about it because now he's remembering and he wants to expel everything in his stomach once more.]
Does he need to confront Phoenix-- what he did as that glitched form to even talk to Mikey about this?
He can't think, especially not as Mikey tells more of his crimes to him. Stabbing people, choking others, shooting... the list goes on and it makes his stomach churn terribly. Sure, he knew Mikey did some bad crap as a leader of the gang, but hearing about these sort of violent acts is hard. Maybe a part of him fully recoils knowing all this now. But if it's horrible for him, it's undoubtedly even worse for his friend now, especially if he doesn't have his 'curse' anymore to shield himself from it.]
I... I know it's scary, the idea of freezing up. Being too emotional and not being able to get shit done. Letting down your friends and everyone counting on you.
[...] But it's scarier to feel nothing. To turn into something you're not, allow yourself to kill even a friend without mercy. Burn them, and continue to do so, even when they stopped breathing. Even when their skin has been burnt off and...
[Scott trails into silence, unable to keep on talking about it because now he's remembering and he wants to expel everything in his stomach once more.]
(that's the thing. manjiro knows it is only awful because they can feel it now, and know the depths of what was wrong back then. it shouldn't be normal, healthy, good to not feel, and yet, it'd make this whole event completely avoidable.
... although, to be fair, it'd make mikey completely unreachable, too. logic exists, even when feeling doesn't. he never wanted to tell scott so directly, and yet, he can't ignore the faint smell of smoke that reaches his nose, the way his hands flinch a little when he noticed them clenching.)
... That's you, though, Scott. You're the one who's too good. We're different.
... although, to be fair, it'd make mikey completely unreachable, too. logic exists, even when feeling doesn't. he never wanted to tell scott so directly, and yet, he can't ignore the faint smell of smoke that reaches his nose, the way his hands flinch a little when he noticed them clenching.)
... That's you, though, Scott. You're the one who's too good. We're different.
[Is he really that good?? Or just wasn't Phoenix long enough??]
...You're good too, Mikey. [He eventually says, quietly.] I'm not saying you never did anything wrong, because we both know that's far from the case.
[Even if it was the curse's fault, what happened still happened. Plus, even without the curse, he doesn't think Mikey never hurt someone before. It's just he's not entirely bad. Takemichi wouldn't have tried so hard, Yu wouldn't be with him, right? Mikey wouldn't have gone out of his way in the past to help Scott.]
But you're trying. You're trying now.
[That phrase has come back to Scott many times now. Not quite parting words from Dazai, but definitely the lesson that's stuck most to him. Even after all this time, he still remembers him and how much he both helped him and drove him nuts. He doesn't think about him too long, not when Mikey's still shut on the other side of this door, something that gets the mutant to slowly slide to the floor and lean against it.
At least none of his roommates are here to witness this. Probably makes it easy for Mikey too.] It's okay if you're feel weak about it.
...You're good too, Mikey. [He eventually says, quietly.] I'm not saying you never did anything wrong, because we both know that's far from the case.
[Even if it was the curse's fault, what happened still happened. Plus, even without the curse, he doesn't think Mikey never hurt someone before. It's just he's not entirely bad. Takemichi wouldn't have tried so hard, Yu wouldn't be with him, right? Mikey wouldn't have gone out of his way in the past to help Scott.]
But you're trying. You're trying now.
[That phrase has come back to Scott many times now. Not quite parting words from Dazai, but definitely the lesson that's stuck most to him. Even after all this time, he still remembers him and how much he both helped him and drove him nuts. He doesn't think about him too long, not when Mikey's still shut on the other side of this door, something that gets the mutant to slowly slide to the floor and lean against it.
At least none of his roommates are here to witness this. Probably makes it easy for Mikey too.] It's okay if you're feel weak about it.
... It's not okay.
(just because he can't that easily doesn't mean the spirit isn't willing, begging, when it has to. if someone ever so slightly hurt scott, he doesn't think he'd be able to stand by, to not move a muscle about it. changed man or not, that's not how he was raised, not how he thinks.
and yet, what if it took the shape of another loved one? then what? and yet, that's not what he is thinking about. looming over his head is the fact he is crying about it, not alone, but where scott can hear and feel, and that may shake his view of manjiro as is.
he's no one's boss this time around, long gone the days he held that weight on his shoulders silently, the burden of being strong... but old habits die hard.)
(just because he can't that easily doesn't mean the spirit isn't willing, begging, when it has to. if someone ever so slightly hurt scott, he doesn't think he'd be able to stand by, to not move a muscle about it. changed man or not, that's not how he was raised, not how he thinks.
and yet, what if it took the shape of another loved one? then what? and yet, that's not what he is thinking about. looming over his head is the fact he is crying about it, not alone, but where scott can hear and feel, and that may shake his view of manjiro as is.
he's no one's boss this time around, long gone the days he held that weight on his shoulders silently, the burden of being strong... but old habits die hard.)
[At this moment, he can't help but compare Mikey to Kotone. Didn't she feel like she had to be strong and dependable for her team all the time? Never breaking down in front of them because she felt that was necessary when it came to being a leader? She's truly gotten better now, but it has taken months to help her through that. He wonders if Mikey still feels the same way, or at least something similar.
He's sure Yu told him that it's fine to feel this way, but... maybe he needs to still hear it from others? From Scott?? There's definitely genuine worry that keeps Scott planted against the door, but also a familiar stubbornness, something that actually feels nice after the terrible crap with Phoenix.]
It's okay to me. [...] I... you know that you don't have to be strong all the time, not for me at least.
[Maybe bold to say since he was crying against Mikey not too long ago.]
He's sure Yu told him that it's fine to feel this way, but... maybe he needs to still hear it from others? From Scott?? There's definitely genuine worry that keeps Scott planted against the door, but also a familiar stubbornness, something that actually feels nice after the terrible crap with Phoenix.]
It's okay to me. [...] I... you know that you don't have to be strong all the time, not for me at least.
[Maybe bold to say since he was crying against Mikey not too long ago.]
so i kicked down ur door and there's a guy here
he new? who the fuck
he new? who the fuck
common delinquent behavior to kick it when suddenly NO SOLICITATIONS shows up on your face
i dont make the rules
again whos the motherfucker u cheatin on me or smt
i dont make the rules
again whos the motherfucker u cheatin on me or smt
Edited 2024-10-14 19:10 (UTC)
(he's a wall, even if he has seen the consequences of what his way of thinking can do. he's been manipulated to the bone, sunk further and further into his own demise, and not a peep, not once has he uttered any requests for help.
against the back of scott's head, he might feel manjiro's own setting against the wood, a sniffle, another one, as he tries to dry his cheeks, un-ugly his face, he's definitely not a pretty cryer.)
I know. It's just not who I am. It's... Hard, to be seen. I'm sure all the leaders you know are like that, too.
against the back of scott's head, he might feel manjiro's own setting against the wood, a sniffle, another one, as he tries to dry his cheeks, un-ugly his face, he's definitely not a pretty cryer.)
I know. It's just not who I am. It's... Hard, to be seen. I'm sure all the leaders you know are like that, too.
wow that simple of an admission
you have no regrets
you have no regrets
[Even though Mikey is physically closer, Scott still feels distant from him. Funny that a stupid door is keeping them separate, although, that's not really the cause, is it?]
Yeah, Kotone, Yu. Minato.
[Probably some others, but those are some names that immediately pop into his mind.]
But they've also learned to rely on others too, ask for help. They just don't face this alone.
[Maybe he's speaking for Yu and Minato, but he knows this is true for Kotone at least. He was there for that entire development, after all. He never wants her to feel alone like that again, because he loves her. But he also doesn't want Mikey to feel that way too, because he cares about him. Even if it's not with him, maybe Yu can be that person.]
Yeah, Kotone, Yu. Minato.
[Probably some others, but those are some names that immediately pop into his mind.]
But they've also learned to rely on others too, ask for help. They just don't face this alone.
[Maybe he's speaking for Yu and Minato, but he knows this is true for Kotone at least. He was there for that entire development, after all. He never wants her to feel alone like that again, because he loves her. But he also doesn't want Mikey to feel that way too, because he cares about him. Even if it's not with him, maybe Yu can be that person.]
do i gotta get you a car so i can slash your tires
(... it's baby steps, for all of them, he supposes.
there is a piercing silence that permeates for a while, not a sound that manjiro makes for the longest time until the creaking of the door slowly opening announces that he is trying, too. he does feel defeated, it is in his expression, with puffy eyes and the reddest nose, and in the way he closes it before sitting on the floor next to scott, taking a righteous place on his neck and collarbone.
not a word.)
there is a piercing silence that permeates for a while, not a sound that manjiro makes for the longest time until the creaking of the door slowly opening announces that he is trying, too. he does feel defeated, it is in his expression, with puffy eyes and the reddest nose, and in the way he closes it before sitting on the floor next to scott, taking a righteous place on his neck and collarbone.
not a word.)
when u get this bitch off my face preferrably
where did you get this bitch
give him back
give him back
[A silent hope starts building in his chest when the door opens, Scott looking up from his spot on the ground to look at the worn out figure of his friend. He's not sure if he's seen him this defeated before and broken down before. It was always obvious that the biker was crying in the bathroom, but seeing the traces of it is a painful affirmation that only makes the mutant want to reach out more.
Luckily, he doesn't say anything. More words at this point would be too much, right? It's already a large step for Mikey to let himself be seen like this.
So, Scott quietly just wraps his arms around his friend, letting him bury his face against available neck. He's long grown past feeling embarrassed about this kind of thing. Not to mention that supporting Mikey is far more important. Just like how a lot of his friends originally helped him through so much shit, it's time for him to return that favor.]
Luckily, he doesn't say anything. More words at this point would be too much, right? It's already a large step for Mikey to let himself be seen like this.
So, Scott quietly just wraps his arms around his friend, letting him bury his face against available neck. He's long grown past feeling embarrassed about this kind of thing. Not to mention that supporting Mikey is far more important. Just like how a lot of his friends originally helped him through so much shit, it's time for him to return that favor.]
at some nebulous point in late october, i am so sorry;
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
incorrigibles
2024-10-20 09:06 pm (UTC)(link)
[ first things first: the message that precedes everything is actually a photo from the farm: it shows roger the sheep, the one kotone told him was named by scott, after roger moore of all people.
and then texts follow, in rapid succession: ]
the man with the golden fleece
for ewe-r eyes only [ ewe-r, like your, but with ewe in it... you know.
anyway, and then finally, ]
thank junpei for those
[ seriously though ]
and then texts follow, in rapid succession: ]
the man with the golden fleece
for ewe-r eyes only [ ewe-r, like your, but with ewe in it... you know.
anyway, and then finally, ]
thank junpei for those
[ seriously though ]
oi!
you can't fool me, i know they made you laugh
[ he knows!! because he certainly did. then again, junpei's particular brand of humour kind of does it for him so maybe he's biased — ]
you can't fool me, i know they made you laugh
[ he knows!! because he certainly did. then again, junpei's particular brand of humour kind of does it for him so maybe he's biased — ]
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